Ultimatums

There comes a point in everyone's life where the choice between right and wrong becomes a devastating yet liberating, cause and effect proposition.
It isn't always with an enemy.
Moments when we face down our own blood...
In the end it is what resides in our personal moral compass that guides us through what, in appearance is a 'no win' situation...

Ethan understood, deeply so, that the product of his life's work was now placed into question
were he to succumb to the unreasonable demands set before him, it saw to benefit only those who would wish him harm
a hard fact to embrace

He pressed on through the airport knowing this trip would be his last.
Wasn't great with family issue
seemed like a colossal waste of time when the parties involved had chosen to play the blame game.

His wife had been slaughtered by werewolves in a foreign country
Ethan's responsibility in this was un adulterated naivety
how was he to have realized the covenants set out by ancestors he had no prior knowledge of?

If nothing else, he'd explain this fact. His sons, more than likely would villianize their fathers quest to obtain the esoteric knowledge
railing against the fact that it cost them their mother
Ethan didn't desire to play the role of negotiator knowing full well of her affair with Blackstone, the illegitimate child she carried
the pain she had caused

Ethan would have to stoically represent himself and pray for the best
'prayer' the thought amused him
how far he had come from the darkness into the light that presently guided his actions
irony believing in one set of values only to have that undermined so utterly complete

At the set appointed time the conversation flowed uneasily
he quietly renounced their ultimatum; that he realized stemmed from immaturity
still he sat and listened with intent
with emotions running terse he felt the less said the better
Ethan explained life as they knew it had expired, they could all quantify their actions or lack there of if they chose to;
in the end, it changed nothing.

His sons glared at him with a deep set hatred
their loss, in their mind, held far more importance than the feelings of a middle aged man.
Father or no' he'd not alter their lives any further

As Ethan meandered off he braced himself for the inevitable; sooner or later these lines crossed would lead to the point of no return
he'd been there himself...he knew better than anyone the cost.
No point in explaining that once one lowered themselves to self righteousness all would turn itself inside out
Ethan simply could not warn, harbor or spare them what was to come next.

His beloved was nearing childbirth
there was little time to covet any negative emotion
he had to stand against things that Ethan hadn't ever conceived he be chosen to do
this, for him, all came down to the procurement of what he had begun to cultivate as a mere child
seeing this through
well, this was the breath in his lungs

His shoulders now relieved of the burden of disapproval held high and broad
The treachery, regardless of what would transpire after the slinged insults
bore no resemblance to him
Inadvertently his blood, his children, had given him the very thing he required to destroy them as they stood.
He grinned.
He smirked.
He began the long trek home.

There were things about Ethan that no one knew...and right now? He threw a battle to win the war.


***********************************************************

Ultimatums are for cowards. It is the adult tantrum thrown to get ones way.
It's getting the final word in an untenable argument.
Like Dr. Phil always says "How's that working for you?"

Bottom line here is for every passage I write I am constantly asked "Is this about me?"
when you assume...
I was given an ultimatum, remove what I wrote or a daughter with drawls her love from her father.
That is when the realization steeps in and you, with immediacy, understand that the love didn't exist, the trust is negligent and the ignorance is ramped.
So in response I say this
it is all fiction.
There may be similarities in situations, circumstance but that is precisely what it is.
My personal views are vested, always have been.

Hope that you're week is a wonderful one, full of excitement not drama
speech that is uplifting
and a comprehension that once you've chosen to hate that which you've targeted will in fact be the tell to your own actions

Thank you Val for the recent edits and kudos on the new job

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer Saint Andrews

The past is in my backpack

She stammered; unsure of precisely what path revealing the truth would place her on. Survivalist by nature, glancing once more at the obvious carnage, Sawyer simply deferred to momentary silence.

Things of this sort did happen from time to time she thought… poured a drink from the cleared out bar, guzzled it down and flatly, without emotion, finally stated “Justice isn’t recognizable less you care to look past the blood I’d imagine.”

The state trooper shuffled his booted feet. Jarrod Hently wasn’t accustomed to baring witness to murder scenes…trepidation swept over his senses…

He rubbed his chin “I’ve two dead bodies here. Now you and I both know you’re responsible…can’t prove it just yet, take the coroners scalpel for that…you plan on saving the tax payers some time?”

Sawyer beamed. “Can’t say that I know of one person who could creep on in someone’s head and cause their brains to implode…you?”

“Your husband is a felon. This is his ex wife and her…what I’d assume love interest.”

“Your point?”

“Seems like you’d have motive. How exactly is it you’d know the manner of death?

Sawyer couldn’t help but allow a smile to pass her lips. “Brain matter mixed in with the exiting blood from said dead peoples noses, ears. Gross, truly.”

The trooper pondered the explanation for a bit “You’re new round these parts eh? Hadn’t seen you ‘fore now.”

“Then how did you know who I was married to?”

“I make it my business to know what’s what, especially when danger marries out of town.”

She giggled. “He threw himself under the bus for a troubled boy…do the same for your son I’d imagine?”

“His son is trash…makes me up for the belief that apples from that tree come about to be falling off as rotten…the lot of them.”

“Well… we’ve no plans to have children of our own so consider the orchard closed.” Sawyer winked to drive the point home.

She hadn’t meant to utilize the ‘gift’, not really. They had become beligerent with her and in the heat of exchange she could’ve sworn one or both had referred to her as a hateful, mean bitch. Possibly there was mention of a whore in that mix. Couldn’t be certain of that before she saw red and snuck quietly into the minds of those who’d see her upset. Hard to be cordial or manage civility when other’s just simply want to destroy that which they don’t understand…

Spring is here! More pages turned, time whizzing by...
make the most of everyday, be someone's hero even if it's just a word of encouragement...

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer
Saint Andrews
 

up the hill

"Mo anam cara"
The quiet promise between us...now coming into fruition;
broad strokes in the opinion of others
(laughing) when did we ever give a damn?
never

We all are who we say we are
whether we put on a face and lie
or
not
it doesn't matter
to the contrary
it is always, always said
all one is required to do is simply listen

Once you own the truth
it becomes your fault in entirety if you follow the hand that leads you down that dark, dismal path

And if darkness is your gig...
surely don't take that first step without extreme strength
complain later

Life slaps you in place of your hosts of friends
giving them the space to appear sympathetic (as they shake their heads in a 'man I told you so' type of way)

There exist an exception;
when both are dark
sharing the deepest of secrets between themselves
the remembrance that binds...ties two together eternally
the pair who see death together as merely a guide into the next realm
laugh at the gore on the road
wipe the blood from their lips...grateful the hunger has subsided
if not momentarily

The surge came
went
but we stood, yes?

No sense in succumbing now...

There is no surrender with stakes so high

It's live or die time
take what was ours back and complete what we began
finish
take on the world...do what they all said could never be

Monsters and men
so they'll remark
you and I know that monsters are men, they do not co exist

And you ran, side by side with me up that hill
no short cuts
no waylays
it was all or nothing
anything goes
go big or go home in disgrace
but that's what we'd become to everyone now eh? A disgrace?
The fallen?
We didn't fall prey to the propaganda
we let it ride
let them think we're pacifist
placate as required
show them later
heaped onto the funeral pyre

Ever came.
Not forever
Ever Matti, ever running up that hill...
she stepped down from the carousel spinning throughout our lives...
shouted our truth to the world

Our pact now complete.


From my hand to yours,
Ethan (Matti) Hastings

"I'd rather smell coconuts"

I never truly wanted to discuss her... much too painful;
horrible to admit that I'd once agree to 'settle'
live without what I had held in my heart since I was a younger boy
to admit well,
 to admit meant I had utterly failed.
I was a prodigy.
I became a genuis.
Didn't occur to me that I could ever be stupid.
But I had been... for years.
  She cleaned the house...her scent was 'carpet cleaner'
her weight ballooned
  she dressed to least impress
the make up ended
the softness became hard;
unmoving
if there were emotion I certainly never saw it...

I was wrong for not voicing my discontent sooner... wanted to scream "stop me from feeling numb" "don't let this go...get to the point where I will shut this door and never turn back around"
But she didn't give a damn.
That day in the car, I told her I couldn't do this anymore. She didn't bother to inquire 'what' because she felt nothing. I wasn't someone to fight for...
I wasn't worth keeping
loving
I hadn't been for the last 15 years.

So I left. Or she threw me out, depends on who you ask.

The last time I saw her I glanced over at her, across the court room and wondered how I could've ever loved her?
How could I have layed with a woman so unattractive to me?
I smelled carpet cleaner couldn't help but laugh at my own stupidity for making things alright when clearly they could never be I chose not to deal with it.
lifted that rug right up and swept it under.

That was the whole of my marriage, have problems, ignore, wait it out and find our back never realizing that the distance became more expounded upon emotionally with each stretch
until we were miles apart and didn't give a damn

And then it happened.
I felt the crushing weight of truth fall on my shoulders like a ton of bricks
I felt the humiliation of failure embarassment for the dark days that I had needlessly endured
  my pride
stubborness
all to prove that I could keep my word but my word was a lie.

I had given that promise to someone else, years before.
I simply hadn't told her the truth about who I really was
whatI used to be and inevitably who'd I again become
I certainly didn't want to own this this tragedy my life had unfolded to be

I closed the chapter
moved on
went back to the origin of where I came from back before I afforded the darkness to take me
opened the book at its beginning and read the story of my life...

It didn't have to be this way
I didn't deserve what had happened
alright, I concede, some of it I had caused... overall we do tend to create our own realities, I could've done better.
I fought back.
Lost a hell of a lot on the way back to join the living.
I'm at peace, I learned that you have to tell the world not only what you want but what you deserve and what you'll offer in return
that you can't be selfish
cannot give yourself to someone who can't truly love you mainly,
if you bury your head in the sand you eat dirt.

In a dream I was offered a coin, to wear around my neck, to take the love of my life and I across the river when we die.
For the longest time I couldn't understand what the dream meant other than the feeling of gratitude for the geld to make the trip.

As I stand here, looking in the mirror, fixing my tie readying to take my place at the altar and marry the woman I should've married in the first place
it occurs to me that the reason I wear this coin with such passion is I found home, I will take her with me from this world and into the next nothing no one will ever seperate us again not time space or the ugliness of my past.

*Thank you Saws for allowing me to post my angst...

Hey, thank you! Every now and again John, or a ghost writer will pop up here, wanting to just take what's been vested and unleash it to the world. Anytime friend, and for the record, I thank the big guy everyday that I do not have carpet or have left anyone with a memory like that one *whew* (I usually wear coppertone lol)
have a great day, enjoy your life *remember that life is too short to dwell in the past, move on live out loud love and be happy From my hand to yours, Sawyer Saint Andrews (and friends, this week) *Photo's do not denote who has written on the blog.

Intent

He was always cautious around her, never wanting to reveal his darkest secret
yet needing it to come to life so that he might see to its fruition
she could detect the slightest change in his breathing
the look in his eyes
the tremble in his left hand

She had been trained secondhandedly
no one expected her to achieve; surpass
but he was fire and she required an indescribable warmth
learning meant revoking her own life
willingly she succumbed to the quest of knowledge over sensibilities
she'd flourish
he'd control the path
the coming years of darkness

He tested the waters first
took her by the hand and led her into the abyss
changing her life from that day on

And they lied.
His intent, ever present, required the shroud of silence.

She kept his secret

Even when they were separated

for a time
 
all was vested, kept under strict control by the promise of friendship
we don't rat our friends out, no matter the personal cost

each and every night he felt his life slipping slowly into the past

he drank
used drugs to attempt to erase the memory
refused to speak her name aloud
realizing that the spoken words would cause him to relive her

he lie down with women
only to have to close the lights
keep the demons at bay
or so he believed

truth was
his committed relationship was lacking
she never felt loved quite enough
couldn't place her finger on it
but deep down knew he was in their home but not entirely living there.
he could not love.
so he lied.
"I love you. I want you as my wife..."

She subscribed to hate.
hated all that he stood for
his blood felt inferior to her
her shattered dreams all his fault

blame took his despair to a whole new level
guilt tore at his soul
every waking moment

a hallow man emerged
close to death by surrender.

She went on to utilize each and everything that he had taught her
his genius willed her to breach what she was thought to do
broke free and became who he had originally cultivated
much to the surprise of others
and dismay

11th hour had arrived.
She knew what she must do.

They spoke.

She revealed that it was time the truth came to light.
He agreed.
There was no one left to stop them.

The cost had been significant, but the price had been paid in full.

Broken promises to the outsiders, battered and bruised both weary walked back to where it all began
chose their words carefully
and aloud, spoke what had begun as a mere whisper

He would no longer live the lie, he'd refuse to allow her to leave.
Together, exclusively, they'd complete what they had planted
no apologies
simply a time to harvest

She waited on the bench in the sauna for him to return.
The script of their deepest secret was to be placed on her back, written in Finnish.
From her shoulders to her hips
how her flesh burned,
felt tortured.
His intent was clear.
My mark, our truth.

He flashed a warning glance at her to be methodical;
swift and proficient
do what you must, utilize intent
finish.

She stood tall, her strength deriving from a longing for completion.

wounded, both embraced wincing from the pain, content.

He took her hand, pronounced his truth to the woods where he grew to become a man
turned to her and made her his true wife
fully understanding that this marriage negated their collective pasts and would damage any and all preconceptions of who and what he was.

His past relationship held the intent of severe revenge for not being a real husband
friend
or remotely who she thought him to be

She wished him death, did all she could to tear them apart.
"If I cannot be at peace, I offer you war."

Truth however tends to not only take hold but rip apart lies, this she knew to be truth.
She held her tongue, regarding the bitterness of one woman to be somewhat justified. They had indeed lied. Together they had destroyed so many in their lives because they hadn't dealt with the years of neglect.

The haunting wasn't on the right side, however as always, she'd defend him, protect him.
She had been entirely complicit throughout....

She destroyed the intrusion as one final act of contrition.

He was a part of her that she could no longer deny.

Their intent was crystal clear.
We will live our truth, now and for the rest of time.
The darkness in over.
Our secret will remain long past death, we will however, live a thousand years together in each and every lifetime...

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

Fairly soon John and I will be taking questions on line, looking forward to hearing from you all.
Blessed days to you all and your families.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

'Summerlands'

We are our minds illusion
our beliefs the existing reality

I wanted to be heard-correction-I needed to be heard

I spoke onto the wind (as we who have passed so often do) to rectify a wrong that I myself had long suffered

One feather shy of a wing to realize the Summerlands 
I whispered, spoke, sang, screamed and finally shouted
until my voice resonated in the drum of the well of her ear

Deep in the desperation of prayer,
wide open to acknowledging what others would readily deny
the Scribe became the mark

And so, 
she placed pen to paper

 He, simply put, did not/does not believe
yet always knew this day would come for him
 
With a tidal wave of difficult decisions;
reckless choice
I shoved
"Necessary destruction to a life well constructed"
Ill conceived via pride

Cage the wild, tame the mind, wait....

He found that his prison was merely reactive, for death precedes life

Her mind (the Scribe) took flight from suggestion
etching ever so close

Concern swept over me when I bore witness to the pair (albeit individually) free fall
held my breath did I
seemingly for their lifetime complete
-Until he uttered the words that life as he knew it had drawn its natural conclusion
"There is futility building upon the darkened sand of escapism"
Without honest concrete infused with light, he'd never realize peace and she'd find death prematurely surely
If he didn't act in haste

In a moment of mediation 
his blood intervened, sensing the turn of events arrival;
longing for his brothers contentment...renewal

I pressed

"Let her know the truth of it all"

With that 
moth to flame she flew directly into the safety of his arms
wishing, aching no longer
he finally reading the words that I had whispered
she able to exhale

He filled her heart with truth; relieving the pain of the lies they had been living

The pair, 
the Saint and the Sinner leave with lives fulfilled

And as for myself?
The warmth of the suns rays burn ever so brightly on my shoulders as I ride on
waiting for their 'someday arrival' together
because that is how it was written
"As they began together so shall they pass forth"

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

Just wanted to offer a tip of the hat to Billy, for all that you did, deepest thank you
 

Monday, June 11, 2012

The Release

A thousand years of the blackest night hovered
directly above
anticipating our demise

Said softly that she merely wished to speak to the man I was meant to be
not the tattered one standing in front of her now
had to hear the words
denied to her all of those years ago

Crushed by the weight of truths pain
I stumbled
fell upon a sword of inate silence

Warned her that the scars may be running far too deep for even I to delve past
she held no belief in the shallow excuse
pressed for the boy that she missed
wanted the man that I had become
as long as I could open the door to my soul

As it had been
she never could settle for less than everything
would not be dismissed by demeanor

I spoke

Took about all that I held dearly to open my eyes
reveal
accept
acknowledge
then tell her that I had loved her all along
never wavering
not even one day

This meant that our entire lives had been grounded by a cold hard lie
buried
with compost that heavied our every intention

I discussed the art of letting go
she threw a shoe at my head
laughing...
wasn't much for the arts
tenacity, she remarked was perhaps the only reason we were standing here

Seven shades of stubborn
faced me
some kept us from the inevitable
others brought us here

Hushed her with a life long kiss
took her breath for my own
knew that she hadn't changed

The core of who we are
carried beneath all of the troubles, responsibilities and life's turmoil
simply waiting for someone to dust off
surprise the world with child like innocense
needed
to fill the air
with inextinguishable hope

I pulled her into me;
fiercely
intent clear and present
tears of release trickled down onto my shoulders with the greatest of ease
though hearing the sobs of regret stabbed at my heart
I held her

Embracing the one secret I held from the world
I found release
provided her the same
complete with the arena in which to live out the rest of lives

Night of a thousand shards of the deepest black daggers of glass thundered when they slammed into the ground surrounding she and I in that moment

We nearly drown in the sea of tears flooding from our eyes

Like always
I took hold of her hand and led

Home awaited....