"The best kept secret"

Hello...
Bruised souls tend to share their stories, and in this there is no difference.
This is a preview...
Enjoy... as promised Logan

(Logan)
There was so much that I loved about her, she was wild, free of the things that hold most women to their convential lives. She was an enigma to me. For so long I couldn't figure her out...I had a woman, one that I loved dearly but was not in love with. We had come to our end, yet I could not bring myself to hurt her.
I wanted, no I longed to be free, but I hadn't the the words to speak.
So I went on with the farce. I limited my time, limited my heart, never quite fully comprehending that I was, in fact keeping her from the true love that life held for her.
I felt that by staying with her it was for the better...
And then I met Sawyer. Purely by chance mind you...
I was so happy back then, I had begun to laugh again, looked forward to hearing her voice
looked forward to seeing her
Every chance that I had, I spent seeking out her company, her words.
Ah they were beautiful to be sure...
And so was she, to me. Sawyer made me feel alive again.
She looked to me for everything, my advice, the comfort that I alone could offer her.
Our time together was anything but boring, she was so full of life, always laughing.
Nearly half a year sped by before I realized that I couldn't continue...
I found, that over time, she was a woman who had problems like everyone else and when she
began needing me, well I dramatically pulled back.
I wanted to be there for her, but with so many others requiring my time and her being the 'new' person in my life, well I supposed that it wasn't as important as I had first thought.
She would drive me crazy wanting to hear the words from my heart
Words that I simply could not offer.
I don't fall in love readily, not to mention I wasn't about to do anything so overt.
I keep control. This is something that you should know about me...
Why should I rush into any situation that I'm not a hundred percent certain of?
Regardless after some time, and considerable obsticles in my own life, I brought us down to occasional, and I never offered apologies for it. I rationalized it all with my work, my life, my time.
I would tell her, nearly daily, that she was beautiful, that she was special, and that I indeed did care...
I knew that she needed more, Sawyer is that way, all or nothing personality. Always taking everything so damned personally. But it wasn't personal. It was simple, I wasn't in love, I merely enjoyed her company.
If I were free, prehaps things would've come along better, I don't know.
I had no incling that my brother had quietly stepped back into the picture and had begun pointing out my deficits. That she had been wrestling with what she knew in her gut to be true and her loyalty to me...
That he had indirectly hurt her with my truths...
I would suppose that everything happens for a reason though...
She asked me several days prior if I would come see her, I was vague, as usual.
She asked if I wanted her to see others, I was cleverly amusing, came back with a quip.
She asked if I wanted her to go away. I said "no"
She asked if I would miss her if she left me. I replied that I would, and very much so.
What I did not say is why I needed her to stay. I never revealed my heart to her.
Not once.
No that isn't truth. I told her once that I could easily fall for her, but I immediately regretted those words because she hounded me for months if I "was falling"
Ugh.
When I read her e mails, I replied to the first "hey beautiful"
I didn't reply to the second. It was a 'Dear John letter' with of course 'The Ultimatum"
fyI? I don't respond to ultimatums, and she knew this very well prior to writing it.
Yet she did it anyway...said if I really cared then I would come to her and say so. Make it right, be there for her. If I didn't, then I clearly never cared, either I felt that she was worth it or I didn't.
Personally, it angered me. Didn't she realize how hectic my life had become? That I was trying? That I was doing my best?
On the other hand, I understood that I had hurt her, and deeply, otherwise she would've never said those things...
I didn't 'rush' over there...I suppose that I could've, but frankly I was exhausted from work.
I didn't call either...I just felt that if she really felt that I wasn't up to her standards then who was I to show up at her door?
I'm not about to give into her demands when she's acting like a brat.
I'm not going to act like I'm her daddy.
But I miss her...I really do.

(Sawyer)
I come to you as is. Always have, always will. I became tired of the games and pretentious imagery a long time ago...
When I met him, I simply put adored him. Logan was great to be around! He really took the time to get to know me. We were good friends for quite some time before my heart started to fall. Yes, that was where I went wrong. He said it was fine with him, but clearly it wasn't, and blindly I fell. It was unexpected for me. I didn't want this to happen. I held grave concerns that because if his situation that he'd never recipricate my feelings. Nevertheless he led me down that path and I followed. I compromised everything for him, for his ways.
It wasn't my way, in this I tell you in honestly....but when I love I do so with an open heart.
All of his non verbal signals were lost on me...I may be intellegent, but I was thick headed when it came to him.
So, for the first half of the year we had oursleves quite a grand time...
And then he went on a trip, returned a different man then the one that I had known previously. He had completely pulled away. I gave him every out, yet he never took the notion. Instead he told me that I was beautiful and that he cared a great deal. Yes, I knew that he was busy, I was well aware of all of the demand being placed on his time, his person.
But he couldn't call? He couldn't find the time to see me? For dinner? For lunch? To chat?
That went on for quite some time...I wrote so many goodbyes yet never sent them.
Why? Because I didn't want to lose him...that feeling that I held so close to my heart when he was near...
But near was nearly never anymore.
He couldn't find the time.
I woke up on the morning that he was to come over and I realized that I had to speak my mind. He didn't even bother to phone to say that he couldn't make the time.
So any lingering doubts that I may have had, I dismissed and shot off an e mail with an ultimatum, be here and tell me that I'm worthwhile or that is it between us.
I knew when I wrote it that he'd never come, not even in the following days, because that is who he is, he does only what he feels like doing. Pressure him and he runs away.
Nothing is worthy.
No one would ever cause him to turn. No one tells him what to do. I suppose that even knowing this fact, I still needed to know if he really cared. I believe that if you truly care, if you really mean your words, then you'll back them up with your actions, or lack of.
So when he didn't show up, I went to bed crying, but he wasn't the only one who is stubborn.
I wasn't going to apologize for placing him on the spot or asking him to do the right thing.
What I woke to the next morning was the realization that he never meant any of the words spoken.
He never cared.
A good friend of his told me that that is simply who he is, that he can't commit. His brother, oddly enough began etching his way back into my life. I'm not certain as to why, but I never listened to what he had to say. I think it was the fact that I was speaking to him when it should've been Logan all along speaking.
But, he didn't care to right?
So I feel like I really gave my heart to a man who never had any real intention of loving me.
I would have never done this to Logan. I would've went to him, held him and to hell with my pride if I truly meant it when I said "I cared"
He left me with pain, and a heap of lies, even if that wasn't his intention.
I'm so hurt. I feel like I lost a part of my heart, more than that, I feel dense for believing that he couldn't leave me feeling this way.

**********************************************************************************

They had been the best kept secret for nearly half of year...
Logan went on his own way, never looking back, unaware of how much hurt he had caused.
There were times, when he thought to come back, return gallantly and ease her pain.
Yet he held back, not desiring to disrupt her life any further. Besides, now that the pressure was off and she had caused the break up he was free to carry on, guilt free.
Sawyer waited for awhile, believing that if he ever did care, he'd not allow her to fall into heart break. When it was clear that he had dug his heels in and simply forgotten about her, she began to slowly move on.

But that wasn't the end...
No, not by a long shot. Logan quickly realized that if she moved on as she was bound to do, her loyalty for him wanning, that she'd find another.

He would most certainly take her completely for his own.

He'd lose her forever if he didn't bend, compromise.
Afterall, she wasn't asking for much. All she wanted was some of his time, and didn't he give that freely to everyone else in his life?
Knowing that another man would take his place didn't set well with him...not at all.
He realized that she loved him. All he had to do was call, go to her...
But would his pride allow this?
He just knew that even mentioning his name brought her to tears...

Well thats all form me this week
Its a sad tale isn't it? nevertheless one that we all go through at one time or another.
Life is a give and take, if all you do is take, you will, eventually lose what you love the most.
In the end when you look back and wonder why you didn't simply allow your guard down?
Why you couldn't do the one thing that the other person asked of you...

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

"I could...could you?"

Hello...

I had a fairly eventful week...so much to accomplish in so very little time...ah such is the life of a writer yes?

Today I write about Grant McEwan, a lil portion though...enjoy...it comes from the book "Conversations with the Scotsman McEwan"

"Sawyer...what brings you by?"

"Already you're angry and I haven't said anything"

"I believe that you just did"

"nothing of consequence"

"ah give it time...I'm more than certain that you will"

" Just came to see how you were"

"I'm fine. You can leave now"

"if you say so"

"no...don't...what is it?"

"seems like you're tending bar...might I propose a drink to be had?"

"drinking with you always turns into something so much more honey"

"you're fault... not mine"

"keep telling yourself that"

"hey, you're the one who always nugdes me for more"

" it doesn't take much, I'll concede that fact"

"why can't you just be nice to me?"

"because you continuelly run back to Seth after we speak"

"yeah, because you won't commit"

"maybe thats because you caused my divorce"

"no, that would be your insatiable appitite for my body"

he laughed..."well, this is certainly truth...what has the incomprable Seth done this time? That is why you're here isn't it?"

"no...well, yeah...he forgot me again...I seem to be the last thing on his mind, yet again"

"He runs a mutli million dollar company, what the hell did you expect?"

"more than this"

"well, I can't say that I'm the least bit surprised...here's your drink...why don't you spend the night?"
" well that didn't take as long as I'd of thought..." just then, Seth Fitzsimmons arrived, furious with what he was unfolding before his eyes..."Sawyer? What the hell are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the very same question"

"I came when I didn't hear from you"

"surprised you noticed"

" I always notice...McEwan...I see that you're scrambling for my scraps again"

(Grant): " the mere fact that you refer to her as 'your scraps' speaks volumes mate"

"I'm no' mate of yours. And you are perfectly well aware of what I meant"

"och no. feel free to speak more shite Seth, but do so boldly so that Sawyer can truly hear your words"

"Sawyer, lets go. I have meetings and such, come on now, move it"

(Sawyer): "I'm having a drink. Busy"

(Grant):" looks like you have your answer Seth"

(Seth): " I wasn't joking, now lets go. McEwan, go back to your menial tasks...or do you need a tip to eat this day long?"

"ah your wit does me such favor...actually I was planning on spending the night with Sawyer, if not to give her a moments reprieve from your dark blight upon her life"

"Its not your name McEwan that she hollers over my shoulder everynight"

"Perhaps, but then again isn't it more like 'Seth you suck so bad, you're so bloody boring that I wish I was with McEwan? oh I'm sorry, before the bile reashes her lips?"

"so this is what sleepless nights does to a man then? I never realized...perhaps its time that you find a woman who can tolerate the mundane...for trust in this, I can make sweet Sawyer BEG for more, where as you're merely a memory that every now and again she falls back upon. Rather like smoking a cigerette when you just know that its going to eventually kill you?"

"could you be anymore dull Seth? I mean really? Is this something that you work at?"

"rich...dull...whatever you want to refer to it as, she still belongs to me"

"and thats why she runs back to me...often"

(Sawyer): "glad that I can be the subject of your foder. I believe that I shall leave you both to it on this day...bye"

(Grant): "Don't go..."

(Seth)"your departure is un necessary...I'm sorry"

(Sawyer): "you are both sorry"

Sawyer stormed off...(Grant) "well done Seth"

"me? you've got to be joking...it was you, you encourage this behavior in her. Why is it that you can't seemingly let go of her? I love her, you? hell you just are infatuated"

"that isn't the truth"

"She needs me...I am her life"

"If you were, then do please explain why you hurt her to the point that she shows up here?"

"we're going through a time, that offers you naught the right to interfere"

"Seth, stop treating her so badly and I wouldn't have to deal with your mess"

"ah so now she's a mess?"

"Since you've been in her life, yes..."

(later that evening, after a long, taxing day at the pub, Grant meanders his way upstairs and opens his door, only to find Sawyer lying there, in his bed, covers up to her neck)

"Ah so this is how it to be yeah? please tell me that you've nothing on beneath those covers"

"why should I tell you anything? aren't you man enough to discover this for yourself?"

"Is that how we are to play on this night?"

" I could...could you?"

"Sawyer...I could do far more damage to you then Seth, you know this to be truth, yet you come here...regardless...Seth will lose his mind if you don't rush home this instant"

"I can't go"

"and why is that?"

"I'm not certain just where 'home' is..."

"Sawyer...don't play with me...I may want you...hell, I do want you, but not while you're confused and acting out"

"prove it. Just lye next to me..."

Grant angrily complied...though that compliance rapidly turned into loves intoxication...he could no more dismiss her than cease breathing...

The morning found Seth beyond furious...he sat behind his heavy, mahogony desk...stoic...all the while planning out - meticulously so, McEwans demise...

See to it he most certainly would...

Hope you enjoyed...

I wish for you the best of weeks, and all of the mundane turning into extraordinary, for that is what life is you know? Extraordinary moments woven into our daily routines....

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews