By chance I ran into a friend of hers several weeks back. As we spoke, it became abundantly clear to me that I had understated her circumstance (in my mind) to that of the minor ilk.
I hadn't (previously) known the motivation to intervene.
In speaking with her personally she hadn't revealed anything truly alarming to myself- I suppose minimizing the pain for my benefit?
She was like that you know?
Consistently energetic, known for verbosity yet intensely private and elusive.
Life's definition had been ripped from her heart leaving her feeling displaced and irrevocably harmed, defenseless.
She, like myself had lived as pirates...free and unconventionally.
It tugged at me...I wanted to help, chalked it up to poor timing, scheduling conflicts...
Not for lack of compassion.
I keenly understood what despair could do to a person- I had suffered with similarity in my own situation.
We didn't hold a transitory relationship; I believed her and I to be solid, we loved one another.
Never, not for a second, did I ever imagine that I'd be wearing my best black suit to see her again other than for a black tie event...
Yet this was just like her wasn't it?
Full of surprise, the unexpected came onto anyone within the vicinity of her person...made her laugh to think of it.
She was loyal to a fault, she was unconditional love in its purist sense.
In retrospect we all have our breaking point, hers simply came quietly in the night...
I thought
I thought that she could 'muddle' through...
This I recalled as I reached down to take hold of her hand...one last time.
She spoke of her desire to return home quite often, yet had nowhere to go; figuring that a backpack and a smile and she'd find it someday.
Off handily she'd speak of a song resonating, drenching shattered dreams to distraction.
Long ago she'd ceased mention of the nightmares.
She held doubt that in the sharing of the terror "held any merit, serving no purpose" she'd remark, drop the subject for discussion of the obscure.
Everyone wanted her to fight mightily, as she was prone to do...
The detractors, those who held unyielding adoration were all left unsettled by her lack of conviction.
But I had known.
One text received "I need help" had arrived.
In retrospect she had mentioned feeling lost, hurting.
It's what she no longer spoke of that should've had us all collectively disturbed.
The future.
Come to think of it, the generosity of speech had steadily declined.
Providence, Prevenient Grace; ideals that all waylaid just beyond the grasp of her capture...
She used to state that to have her dreams would be to live the nightmare...
This she could achieve with internal strength, not broken.
No one counts on being broken when their life's terror suddenly becomes a reality...
I didn't give a damn when the tears came to me, rushing freely past all of the emotional barriers that I held up to the world, I simply wanted to wake her...
Have a righteous dispute over her causing me this never ending grief, knowing full well that any argument with her would've been a day completely spent fighting for a word in edge wise.
I should've known better...
I did know...just didn't accept it.
She couldn't save herself, refused to quit. Resigned to death by his hands.
At that moment I hated her for allowing it.
I could not comprehend, despised her for the fragility.
She was a grown, mature woman with a child's heart who desperately required a father figure for the remainder of her life.
There could be no partnership, that ship had sailed far too often in her mind...
I visit the site often, mostly alone with my anger, fury over the mindless loss.
I allowed my life to supersede that of hers, someone that I truly loved.
"I could have stopped, prevented this" words that scream from the cold, unyielding dirt.
She wouldn't have afforded but a select few to take hold and seize her life, claim her heart and shield her from the world...
But regrettably I knew that I was one of these individuals.
Rare.
I had access, I certainly held the latitude with the propensity to alter the outcome...
The bias lie in my firm belief that I lived a life of content.
Merely content.
I had nothing to lose, everything to gain.
I was well aware of who she was, what she meant to this world- specifically her place in it.
She never had the choice
because I never offered a viable solution.
I miss her.
I believe that I always will...
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Death has a profound effect on us all, inparticularly when one passes during the holidays.
May you keep your friends in your heart, close in spirit and with the knowledge that you love them to carry them through...
From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews
