I couldn’t go home
even if I knew the way back, the map was long aged, the people there didn’t know me…
Still, you waved me across.
I wanted to run
Not look both ways, go with abandon…
I stood helplessly by as you crossed instead, fearless, coming for what you wanted.
Me.
You lie on the pavement, I stood frozen for an endless amount of time.
I watched as they swaddled you in wool blankets, speaking above your battered body
that you were, in all likelihood going to die.
Later I laughed hearing that you were going to brag about the gifts you received in the hospital…
*
Did we come this far to be left behind?
Are you standing in the storm just to relieve the numbness; the dull ache that binds you to the mundane?
*
We ran into the fields
Swaying with natures melodic tune
Attempting to escape nights inevitable capture…
I wanted to know if you’d die a thousand small deaths for the likes of me;
for my love
And you desired to quench your thirst with intoxicating drink
of me
I tanned well beneath the brilliance of your burning gaze;
blushed to crimson when you placed your hand over my tender heart
Still, I couldn’t return home
I had long forgotten where it was
*
I held onto the duality of what had become me
Always split into two
And all I ever wanted to know was why
Why I couldn’t just find normal
Leave being special behind
Always with friends, loved ones
Surrounded by the beam of bubbly attraction
There was a part that had fallen;
Held in reserve
For a better time
*
Even now
On a clear night
The stars illuminating the deep, dark blanket of the night sky
I think about you glancing upwards
Explaining what was what
Just to make me feel stupid
You could be mean
But if only to ruin my concentration to best me later…
I fell for it every time
My temper never was one to poke a stick at
Sure made you laugh a lot though….
No matter the day, no matter the night
You never let me pull away
I think you inherently understood that I belonged everywhere with you; lost to the rest of the world
*
I miss the crisp feeling of fields left unplowed
The pounding of our hearts from the pressure of a saunas extreme heat…
You broke
I broke
We fell apart because intensity burns,
Radiates and causes jealousy and confusion
We were far too close to the sun for others not to snatch us and throw us to their will
It was not
For
Well
*
Still, I wanted to feel home.
Its not a door with a mat.
If there was a key, I had traveled the world wide to find it
Left no stone unturned
Cried until there were no tears left
The ache that had given me life evolved into darkened sorrow.
By then,
I couldn’t return.
Who would recognize me now?
*
I think that we all want to be known; felt to the core of our souls
Heard
Even if by silent gesture
He was my guide
My king
My home
And I was left undefined
With no refuge
Until he chose to speak
“Built a castle;
A home and a missed by the mark type of life….since you left.”
*
The question on everyone’s mind was if we’d break free
Run for the fields; serve grace in Fenton
Flip the bird at anyone’s requests…
Die as we should’ve
After a life long lived the way our hearts had roared to us while the eagles sang their slow, sorrowful song…
Or
Live the duality of natures fury
Left never being known again
Merely remembered
In a “laying on the pavement, watching airplanes fly” type of way…
*
Still
The draw
Remains
I glanced back
Smiling, seeing you in a boat with chips, rowing, mocking the gathered
Someone whispered “Do you know him?”
I replied proudly “Yes”
“You’re lucky.”
I kept watching you, giggling.
It was never a question of knowing him, (that was easy)
It was being known by him.
And that was enough to bring me back home.
Finally.
*
The years fell away
As I ran across the airport,
Tripping in boots meant to impress
Managing only to cause you to burst into laughter
Angered me
Things broke
But it wasn’t us
Wasn’t my fault this time
Still
You smirked
“Doesn’t change baby girl”
No, home certainly doesn’t…
From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews
