It occurred to me, as I sit down to write this, that no one but myself remembers today, 12 years ago.
It was a typical day, nice, cold out though. Went with my family up further North, in Maine to take a break. Shop, eat at taco bell.
I wasn't too hungry, couldn't tell you what I had to eat, but that I was happy. Motley Crue had been blasting on the car radio, the baby (inside of me) was bouncing around.
I recall thinking that he was going to be some kind of rocker...or at the least he had good taste is drive around jams.
That evening my back began to hurt, I felt ill ease.
By 2:20 am he'd be gone to this life and mine would be irrevocably changed forever.
I fought to die.
I never, never wanted him to be alone in death, honestly feeling that I had let him down by surviving.
I remember that the mere mention of his tiny body being placed into the morgue sent my thoughts directly to his comfort.
Had I dressed him in something that would keep his body warm enough?
How could I, in good conscious be at home while he awaited cremation?
Well, that was 12 years ago tomorrow.
Today I'm wondering... has his death held up its meaning?
It has for me.
I re read the journal set back in time, February 19th 1999...
Recognition.
In truth we haven't changed, only the circumstances have.
People, I find, never do really change, they evolve.
But the core of who we are remains, good or bad.
For years I didn't read what had been written; feeling that it wasn't true, just ramblings of an extremely hurt woman.
Today, I held the strength. Held up by the man who was sent to save my life.
When all seemed at the darkest hour he didn't give up, never wavered, simply loved...
brought the light back without un necessary pity or undue empathy
just did what a husband would do for a wife.
Made certain that he was there, loving me through it.
Dakotah would've been pleased.
He would've cheered me on for finally relinquishing and letting go and afford latitude proper to form a healthy and solid relationship.
That is a difficult line to cross, recognizing that when you truly, and I mean truly love someone you let go.
Give them the opportunity to know love, even if it is not derived from you.
Your heart can bear the pain if the one you love finds their soul embraced.
When I met him, I knew. He loved completely, hadn't the emotional baggage to dull his senses.
One of the first things...he placed his hands on either side of my face, told me that he had fallen in love with me and that he'd never hurt me.
His truth was me, he was mine.
As I lost everything, one by one, I stopped, took the time to remember that this was exactly how I felt when Dakotah died.
The loss was insurmountable, but my love for my son hadn't wavered.
I found a way to live.
I found a way to work towards my dreams.
Even being told daily that I could not write my novels, I went on to write 8.
I learned from him.
I never wanted his existence to not realize some type of potential.
We all need to remember those times in our lives, less we become destined to repeat failures.
If you had asked me 12 years ago if I had known...
I have no answer, other than I haven't the time to regret.
I do look on to the morrow knowing that the man who stands is here, by my side and isn't faltering.
There are no journal entries foreshadowing of a life soon lost to cruelty or misfortune.
Dakotah gave us all hope for the future, his brother came and established that the impossible could be
his sister followed and brought back laughter
So here I am.
Half of my life is beauty, solid, happy for the first time in my life.
Some days deeply saddened that I waited so long to know what real love felt like
The other half lies in stasis
held by the man who claimed to love eternally.
Apparently that only applies to conditional compliance.
Well my life is my own.
I imagine that I alone will carry on with the memory having been blessed with the time bestowed upon me
the knowledge that I used the memory to better myself and those relationships around me.
As my good friend John said to me "you can give away your happiness to those who would see you hurt, or you can turn away and live happily in spite of them"
I believe that he is right.
I go to his grave site on the morrow with no regret.
Only love for the son who changed my life for the better.
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On a lighter note, we are having our first book signing in Dallas March 10th and former president George W Bush is to attend.
Very excited to attend and shake hands.
From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews
