Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur "We choose to love, we do not choose to cease loving"


Hoping that your Holidays were wonderful...

I wanted to extend my immense gratitude to Marshall Wayne, who is placing a fan web site up...wowa. So uber cool and wicked awesome!
THX MARSH!

I'm listening to the Randy Rogers band "Lost and found" and "I miss you with me" give it a solid listen, here in Texas, like anything else, we do 'loss' bigger and better...lmao
I wrote these three items for loss, for new beginnings and of course endings...

"There will come the day when the hands of courage, kindness and friendship shall take hold of yours
never holding you back
for love will always free your soul, allowing your spirit to find its reason;
to realize success in endevours...finally the acceptance that all of the pain
all of the lessons learned
brought at last your hands together...boundless, eternally free in unity...."



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For there is always a debt to be paid by the breech of the morning suns glare in our eyes
"why?" I ask...as the endless streams of sadness flows
do I find this day and that of the morrow without you in residence?
Your life left mine, ripped away all to suddenly...
I'm determined to remember everything, devastating or no'


The gift you left behind was unimaginable...back in time...
though today, I am in full recognition of said...

Love is deeper in a well that has been cultivated, carved into the sides of our souls...
To later procure for a true believer in hopes shimmering light...
Oh I've given up, more than once
visited your grave
-and left with more unanswered questions then not
yet always I return
How? Tell me how do I find that which was you
How do I feel that sense of wholeness again?
----------------------------------------------------------
"No debt goes un paid" I heard him remark.

I gently inquired as to his thoughts prior
he responded "its the 'new' of the 'New years' and suddenly I find that I owe myself so much more than...this. Don't you?
She said nothing
He smiled, the obvious gesture of 'know'
"Your sorrow isn't lost on me...its the 'amber' in the amber of your eyes...now lets see to that 'lifes well' of ours..."



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The sweet escape to the coast of Amalfi Italy,

where the shoreline is kissed by the ocean
By the tides pull it brings the lovers together in one final moment
"So I come here, for loves death...at last...wrapped in the security of your arms"
"but have you truly lived Sawyer?" he asked
"I have...I'm going to miss this, miss you with me"
"Isn't that lyrics taken boldly from a song playing in the jeep on the way over here?" she grinned broadly
"so it is"
"you make me laugh honey"
"ah, I do what I can babe"
"what will you miss the most?"
"pizza, swimming topless, nights by the fireplace...you mostly"
"you don't have to go...surely there must be a way..."
"there isn't...and even if there were, I'm not so certain that I'd extend myself any further...no, for me? this has been enough. I've loved completely, laughed until I cried...ate far too much ice cream
-and don't forget how I finally found a wine that my palate simply adores"
"would you be saying all of this if I were Ian McShane?"
"would you be wearing a black Armani suit, donning Burberry colonge?"
"most certainly"
"then surely you'd bring me back to beautiful, back to life"
"you are beautiful in my eyes"
"is that a fact?"
"it is...though I'm in severe trouble if you find Ian McShane so handsome"
"dead sexy"
"you're killing me here"
"ah its his accent and the swagger...who could resist?"
"I could!"
"trust me, you're not his type"
"I should hope not"
"Sawyer...will you ever....will you ever love again?"
"When I pass through the gates? Yes, I have quite a large heart, plenty of room...yes, I do believe that I will...well once the memory of you ceases to pain me, and I look back on our time with joy"
"as long as you refuse to forget me"
"how could I ever forget you?"
"I don't know, I just don't want to be forgotten"
"baby...you're unforgettable"
"I truly loved you Saint"
"I was hardly a Saint"
"this is truth" she laughed at his brashness "I couldn't have asked for a more fullfilling love, this is my truth"
"what will you leave with no regret?"
"all of the hateful words...the things that I didn't try, or say"
"not too much of those I hope"
"no, I resolved to speak my mind and I did what I could"
"the silence....with words from you no longer, well, its going to be deafening"
"I'm sorry"
"don't be- don't be sorry for anything, not for one singular moment spent between us" she took his hand into hers and squeezed it three times, the non verbal notion between the couple to silently say 'I love you'
"I won't be"
"you always knew that this would happen didn't you?"
"yes"
"then why did you take pause to love me?"
"because you were worthwhile"
"I wish that I could go with you..."
"life is choices, more than anything its not boxes of letters and memories shoved under your bed. Life is for the living ..."
"I'm not dead baby girl"
"nope, just afraid to live"
"Its not that simple"
"never is when it comes to you" he rolled his eyes in mock disgust "so here we are again"
"so we are, though this is the last of all that we were"
"I don't want you to go"
"I have to pass through...you cannot provide me the solice required to remain...here with you"
"Is there nothing that I can say that will turn this around?"
"I've tried my best to afford you chances...you're simply too late and I haven't the glue to fix what is broken inside of you"
"Is it him?" she politely ignored his question "don't do this...theres something to be said for mediocricy"
"its a bog. It floats, eventually dissipating into the surrounding area- natures way I suppose...
and similar to this, our true nature will always call us home"
"and...your home is through those gates"
"it is"
"grass isn't always greener Sawyer"
"no, it clearly isn't, but we all must find our way back home- at one point or another"
"and if you fail? what then?"
"Then I will always know that I made the attempt"
"so you're really going to do this?"
"I am"
"I should be angry"
"But you're not."
"no, I love you far too much for that honey"
"and I you"
"all of your quirks...even the broken glass will seem normal to them...you know?"
"they accept you at home...as is, or so I've heard"
"is that why you venture? to feel normal again?" she giggled "I'll always be myself, and that is far set from the norm"
"Sawyer...I can't go with you...I cannot venture into that realm"
"I know...I'm at peace with that fact"
"I wish you weren't...that you couldn't do this, yet I realize that I do have to let go of you"
he released her hand and pulled her into an extended embrace "I was put on this earth to love you baby girl"
"now who's borrowing from lyrics? I wish..."
"no, no more wishing Sawyer...not for you. This life has died enough times over...now just turn around and go already"
he watched her as she walked away... farther and farther from him...from his life...
The realization of all that he should've done...said...swept over his person...the distance between them grew...as though the coast line was summoning her...spiriting her away from his heart...
and to the wind he spoke "I shall die without her in my life"
when she was almost entirely out of view, he knew that he could not simply stand there and allow this to happen...
Death by heart was NOT an option....so he ran, ran to her as fast as his legs would take him...

well that said, I wish you all a joyous and Happy New Years!
If I could have one wish granted...well maybe I shouldn't say...

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews