And by request, this is for you my dear friend...
He was a Saturday night that stormed into my life...
Looking across the room the first thing that I noticed about him was his stance; strong, determined.
Lance to my Guinevere, his gaze finally meeting mine in an appreciative manner.
We meandered around one another for quite sometime, although in retrospect I've no idea why, he certainly wasn't timid in the least.
Eyes of the deepest sea took me by surprise, the fact that he never wavered didn't serve to intimidate me;
merely seduced
as it was intended...
From the first, we fit together like an old pair of favorite jeans.
Those initial weeks that brought us together were so wonderful; loves first strike ever so powerful.
I suppose that I should have revealed the broken promises that bore upon my shoulders,
I chose not to
feeling that loves tenderness would somehow heal me
A traveling man
he'd not be mine on the daily
the distance brought me disdain, this I kept vested
Didn't desire to stir things up
Until I could bear it no more...
I missed him...
I longed for his touch
so much so that imaginary scenarios began playing; weaving its resounding insecurities over, over again
until I was convinced
that he was not true in heart...
I met his family
lovely
they embraced me
mine
when I should have been reassured
I only heard treason
Not what I had wanted
planned
but I threw punches into the air
Punches he felt
in the gut
the gut that was telling him to back up
leave the words in the air to kindly dissipate
He wasn't a boxer
didn't want to be in the ring
not with a woman who'd profess to be his souls best friend
confidant
I'd cry
a million tears
that drown him into guilt
to stay
if not for just a tad bit longer...
I had a lost and found box
hidden under my bed
believed that he'd find it
know what to do with it
unfold the papers that held my inner most thoughts
collect them
read
and edit
for the purpose of alleviating the pain
Should've recognize that he didn't find roller coasters chalk full of excitement;
they were for children
and childhood he had left far behind him
it was time that he planted seeds of his own
procuring a future
I'd catch his dismay as I looked into his saddened eyes over the rim of the self medicating beverage kept neatly in my glass
messy really, in truth-
after 2 or 3...
self deception crept in a few hours past
when he'd simply have laughter flowing, carefree, secure in who he was
I felt myself slipping
away
I wanted to scream "why are you doing this to me?"
"I need you to make me feel your love"
It would be a time
before I understood that it was merely because I could not hear
see
what was right in front of me
communistic destiny
he tried to map out
for he and I
I refused to leave;
yet required his stay
no compromise in sight
my heels dug into the sand
funny thing about sand... constantly moving along with the wind...
destabilizing all that is built upon it
I wanted a home
while denying him the security of friendship
the lasting emotion needed to create, solidify
I remember seeing his face light up
as a boy would
hearing others voices on the phone
calling to remark
this, that, the other
I couldn't understand
comprehend
that his life was, in actuality complete
before I
that he had in fact
saved room
just
for me
I raised the stakes
arguing in the middle of our time
I saw it slipping away
couldn't reach out to hold him inside...
I wanted the bellow to cause the rush back
instead I felt wrath
childish, impishness attractive at first
came as straws on the back of a camel...
His back was breaking
because
I
wanted
to
be
right
love remains the same
I'd rephrase
a million times to the once
that I meant it whole heartily
what I said with my actions,
well,
was leave me to be
who I had become
porcelain
beautiful in so many ways,
delicate
easily broken
yet durable
if you followed instruction
Not so for a man
blazing his own trails
rambling
because he is a masterful pirate
with a heart of gold...
I loved him you know?
I struggled
until doubt darkened my senses
lashing out
turning dreams into mere memories
beneath my feet
He wanted to marry me...
I never understood what that meant to a man like him...
He had his ship sailing
knew what ports where compatibility embraced
he didn't bleed
wounds hadn't scarred
a joy to know
befriend
I crushed
seeing the worst
when the curtain didn't reveal; when I couldn't see across the miles
I needed to know
grasp
lies
when the truth didn't provide the race of proof
that no one could fulfill
the void
that I had dug
left wide open
to bear
as the burden
to attract the knight to spare me self examination...
His love fell through my hands
I spread my fingers
while professing that I'd never let go
of the strong hands
that wanted to place his life in
I conjured hurricanes
shattered mirrors
blinding my eyes
to his tears
shed in disbelief
I rewrote history
his
story
to make a villain
out of the hero
who loved me so mightily
accusations of infidelity
rushed judgements to my closest friends
to validate
when I should've simply asked
I slandered
I wanted one more time
one more
first
He left
knowing that I'd never change
I'd find another cause
another row
to do battle
to win
suicide blond tendencies
he'd remark
hated when he was right...
On the inside I'm torn between
knowing that I've lost the one truth in my life
by admitting
or
running along the sand
believing that he lied
broke his word...
Pictures deleted
memories washed away for another time
another man
who would believe in me
when I'm not certain that I can believe in myself
again
I wish that I could tell him that I'm sorry
sorry that I ran away
left
what could've been
so perfect
so beautiful
I'm not your love
yours any longer
I shoved you away
fought when I had nothing but burden weighing
couldn't admit that this isn't a fairytale
and he and I
aren't a story
to read
smile
at the end
close the book
sleep comfortably
I buried my king
loved
lied to
betrayed
no, this was a tale...
better to be told in the rain
less you see the tears streaming down my face....
I lost who I was
bearings tangled
Providence
is not mine
to hold...
I hurt him, holding on to what I thought he should be
not who he really is
and who he really is
is a man
who loved me with abandon
Until
I
abandoned
him...
As he walked away
for the last time
he exhaled
the breath that we once shared
disappearing into his tomorrows...
Perhaps
perhaps he was right all along...
what good did it do me to cross over the line and paint a picture of negativity
when it cost me
Everything...
Lance to my Guinevere, doomed from the beginning of the tale
because in my kingdom
the King will never be enough...
the battle will never be won
the walls
too high
the ransom
a far too large price to be paid...
........................................................*......................................................
Heartbreak is the worst feeling. Here's hoping that your days are filled with joy and kindness.
We all make mistakes, as long as we learn from them- well, as hard it can be, we do get better, succeed where we never believed possible.
Nothing is unattainable
as long as belief doesn't waver...
For the record, because I become swamped with e mails/responses believing that everything I write is a personal record to my daily- know that as people share their stories, in finding some compelling I tell their story.
I believe firmly that we share the ability to learn a great deal from one another, and hopefully we recognize the frailty in human nature, forgive, cherish the people that we've known in our lives.
Even the bad provides us with a unique window in our responsiveness to their actions or lack there of...
Enjoy the week,
look forward to seeing Dallas again (shortly)
From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews
