He kept her on the line long enough to inform her that he had other plans for the evening. So, she thought, he had forgotten.
Ah well. Wouldn't be the first time this had happened.
As a close friend however, she couldn't believe that he didn't understand that beneath her words of non chalant dismissal lie pure unadulterated anguish.
She had traveled to seek his counsel.
The holiday was pleasing, still a mere guise.
Slumber had alluded for nearly three nights, intellectually she held grave concerns that she could not travel like this, nor continue...
As she lie on the beautiful bed, again troubled by the lack of sense from her friend
tears sprung to her eyes
flooding the pillow case
yet again
She dialed one who would feel the fall
but all he could offer was the usual;
what she had hear the whole of her life
be on your own
do it your own way
you're special, if anyone can- it's you...
But she recognized the symptoms, the feeling of darkness sweeping over her
the inevitable fall
she begged him to listen, to hear her words...she was truly in trouble...
he suggested rest.
If only she thought, knowing that wouldn't happen.
The best that she could hope for was a stay
a momentary break from the fall- a reprieve.
Through false smiles and great bravado, she escaped in a fury...
her friend phoned.
She afforded him his callousness. What was the point anyway?
He had not only forgotten her, but he hadn't realized the trouble that she was in.
He may have not known, may have been completely unaware.
She wasn't angry
dissipointed
or surprised
Merely thought that as he would expect her to do what he'd require
she'd accomplish this goal
leave him with all that he dreamed of
as she herself had allowed the drowning to simply engulf her
She couldn't breathe any longer
She attempted to voice this
to several
no one heard
Amazing, she had thought, as she tearfully drove home
that had he remembered her
he would have recognized the fall in an instant and never allowed it.
It was too late now though.
Never had she left him to his own devices...if she felt his slipping she stood by him shoulder to shoulder.
She'd not ask again, from either man.
The nightmares had returned...
The insomia took whatever remained.
She had chosen to remain silent.
By returning
it would be left behind.
They didn't care
and if they couldn't see, couldn't hear
she'd quietly break apart inside
hide it as always
and simply move on
Find home,
eventually
on her own terms
but alone
because at the end of the day
you really could never be a friend
if you refused to grasp her hand and lead her out of the shadows
when they came for her
How many more lifetimes would she run away?
How many chances had she left to her to find the courage to speak out-
only to be easily dismissed?
She feared none
didn't believe
refused to trust
and with everything she had
wanted to fall silent to them all
Funny that they'd never be aware
Until she was long gone.
And she would go.
As she watched the sun close for the day
to the wind she did so vow:
I need to go home now.
I will go, I'm not certain as to where this is, but if you'll find it in you to guide me...
I shall, once again run.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I had loved her once upon a time, deeply so.
When she began letting me know, bit by bit, that she was hurting I attempted to ascertain the source of the pain.
I couldn't.
She will not discuss these things without prose, or in person.
This I could not do. Everytime that I am near her I wind up allowing my emotion to take hold.
I fall in love all over again, I cannot help but take her into my arms and provide comfort. I spent the better part of a year attempting to show her independence. What I never fully comprehended was her internal need to let go of this; because it had previously caused her nothing but isolation and considerable grief.
Yet here she was, turning to me.
The words were stricken with the darkest grief that I had ever witnessed by her.
I was at a loss.
She was a hell of a long way from home, although in truth I thought to drive to her-
that or phone a friend of hers that was nearby.
I refrained, didn't trust the man not to cause more harm than good.
I realized that she hadn't slept in weeks. She had said days,
but I knew better.
I witnessed those nigthmares for myself.
She only wrote to excersize the man haunting her...praying that somehow
by exposing his pressence
he'd dissipate
I doubted that that would ever happen.
She's turned on me.
Thinking that I didn't want to help, or at least bring her to the surface so she could gather air enough to survive this bout.
Having known her for as long as I have, it seems that she's able to manage
there must have been a trigger pulled.
I'm saddened knowing that she'll never love me again
after I left her to her own devices
she is one woman who will not ask
but she did
and I let her go
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
There was just so much going on during that time frame.
I feel a sense of pride in my friendships. I'm there for my friends, always.
I had no earthly idea that she was hurting so deeply, so badly.
I had completely forgotten about the personal holiday;
but in my defense, she was certainly not my girlfriend
or my responsibility
No, I'd not have let her leave had I realized what had transpired, not a chance.
Hell, had I been made aware I would've demanded that she cease the escape and wait for me to catch up to her.
I care, I really do- but without a clear understanding I am unable to act.
Women confound me.
They desire you to simply read their minds and rush to their rescue.
She stated that she wasn't angry
didn't tell me what was wrong
and left.
Tell me what exactly
was I to do with that information?
I went to sleep that night
feeling the weight on my chest
but to be frank with you
I have a copious amount of problems of my own.
If only she had explained.
I would have been there.
===========================================
Circumstance detained me.
I had no idea what was going on until I reached first light, two days later.
I was keenly aware of her secret
I had read the transcripts.
I personally questioned her.
There was a tremendous amount that she had vested that was about to be revealed.
I felt that there was a true possibilty that she'd run again if I didn't discover her intent.
And soon.
Packed my bags and I chose to seek her out.
The second that I saw her, I knew that it had gone much further then she would be willing to admit.
I held comprehension as to what was taking place.
She took one look at me and backed away from the door.
I refused to afford her flight. Grabbed her arm, took her upstairs to discuss.
She broke.
Couldn't speak the words. But I knew, had known all along.
It felt like I held her a lifetime. I refused to let her go, urging the tears to fall, find their release.
I bathed her, warmed her with blankets, held her the night long so that slumber wouldn't bring her to the nightmare
I blinded her eyes to the vision of the haunting...
By the morning, exhausted, I drove her to the airport.
Someone had to bring her home. I knew that her soul had been broken
I knew
just where she belonged...
Wow that was dark! Well aside of that, I wanted to thank everyone for all of the birthday wishes!
Hoping that you're week is exceptional, full of grace and hope for a brighter future.
Believe that your dreams will and can come true.
All that you have to do is imagine...
From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews
