Tagon

What a week huh? It's been difficult to say the least, mom in the hospital, touch and go for quite some time.


Thankfully she appears to be on the mend, though they say to be cautious in that thought.


I haven't had much time to write, but have had some ideas...


Let me share with you a new thought for an upcoming book...


I'm thinking werewolves with this one, although a much darker version than the Pater Nostras series.


For the fans of the first 4 books, you will enjoy this sudden turn in the nature of the beast.





Looking into the depths of his darkness, she suddenly realized that there was no redemption to be found here.


No, she hadn't believed in demonic possession before this very moment. That was a myth...wasn't it?


Fear, coupled with curiosity had brought her precariously close to Tagon, or that was the truth that she leveled her emotions with.


Still here she was, face to face with the dark man. Tagon looked upon her with great disgust. A woman was one of the last things that he desired OR wanted. Her eyes cried out for mercy, yet in his mind he felt entirely uncompelled to offer anything other than his unique version of primal fury.


And why not? She wasn't his charge. He certainly hadn't asked for this. Women meant little or nothing to him.


And on a night such as this, when death loomed like a heavy wool blanket just above their heads readying itself to fall, it would have been preferable to deal with this unilaterally.


Tagon had to be decisive-to take a charge of her life would become more work than naught.


She was beautiful though..no?


Hair the color of soft, sweeping straw in the field...eyes of the bluest sky certainly gave him pause.


She sensed the hesitation and realized the immediate reprieve. She could ask for no more.


Evil was evil.


One could not rationalize or mediate with such immense darkness.


Beaten down and broken, there was no choice to be had here.


Tagon took the initiative, forcibly snatched her delicate hand and simply led the innocent away from the pending danger facing them both.


But what to do now?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Tagon's journal


April 11, 2011





I'm broken


I submerged myself into the depths of disigenuous behavior by those who would have me believe their deceptions.


I ran, I ran so quickly away from them all. Why remain? I am a man who owns no boundries. I will not conform.


I merge into so much more...


I kneeled in the chapel of your All Mighty. Believing that perhaps he'd hear my plea.


Bruised knees brutalized the prayers set forth. Was anyone even listening?


It certainly never occured to me that it had reached the heavens...


My emotions pummeled.


Simmer. That is how I presently feel my soul stir. Well assuming that the Dire left me with one.


Of this I hold little hope. Perhaps the guff spared one, if not just to attempt the impossible within one, singular man.


I am of the Dire, but I live not amongst the others.


I have no use for family, for the brothern, for the wind summoning me as I walk alone amongst the woods of France, my home.


A home that provides me with no solice, no joy.


When comes the time presented to me, to me alone? What have I done to deserve this imposed solitude?

I never wanted to be near the brothern, though in truth, I longed to fall into the arms of another, if not just for the night long.

I certainly held dreams as I lay. Is it something I am forever to be unblessed with?

Find me. Find me. Find me.

I anger on the morn. In this I cannot skirt. I am not of the skiddish. I press. I gasp for breath upon awakening.

I am Tagon.

________________________________________________________

With all that said, I hope you have a wonderful day, a joyful week ahead!


Stop, lean down and smell the flowers that are just beginning to bloom...





A special thank you to all who offered their prayers to my Mother, and to my family.


Marshall, you have done wonders with the website! Thank you!





From my hand to yours,


Sawyer


Saint Andrews

Cill Rimhinn, 19th

I dreamt about him, his life for years before the news came of his pending arrival.

From the first, the announcement was marred with warnings, tragedy looming above our heads.

I chose to be brave. I chose to fight their words. I was told that he would die in two days. I denied this truth that simply put, was not in my heart.

And so he lived on. He flourished, his body began to grow, much to the amazement of everyone, everyone except myself. I knew that he could survive. I felt his heart, knew his dreams, the rythm of his life.

The time went by, rather slowly. I took pride in the preparation of his arrival. I lovingly folded his clothing, arranged his toys...anything that I could to ready the surroundings for his joyful presence.

Eventually I relaxed, becoming a bit complacent in the journey...He grew, I longed to hold him in my arms. Yet time is time, and you have to wait...it is a necessity that is incredibly difficult.

One afternoon I felt him dance to the music playing in the auto...I smiled, placed my hands protectively around my waist, loving him so much...Unconditional love beyond words spoken.

I wanted to tell him this so badly, look into his eyes as I did so...

Later, on the way home, he didn't dance to the music. I thought that it was odd, because I knew how much he enjoyed hearing the cadence...I pushed any thoughts of danger out of my mind, even when my back began to ache, I dismissed, I supressed the knowledge that something was very, very wrong.

That night I felt someone securely hold my hand. It felt like my Grandmothers', I woke thinking to let go, it was that strong of a contact... I left the bed for a moment. Just a brief moment I stood before I felt death wash over me. I knew it was over before the blood came, before the waters...Time went slowly for me as I must've yelled for help, for God, for anyone who could change this, for anything, who would simply turn the clock back and change this outcome.

But no one came to my rescue, to his rescue. Dakotah came too soon. His tiny body lye there in my hands, his eyes looking directly into mine, clouded with death.

I begged for the doctors to save him, to spare his life, but he was gone. I held onto his body so tightly that his skull bruised, but I refused to yield. I cannot recall all of the details, mainly because I had begun to bleed to death, a welcome death. I could not even begin to imagine life without him, or his death- my son facing his death alone. It was inconcievable to let go of Dakotah, it would be a lifelong failure to see him face the unknown alone. Unfortunately my religious beliefs didn't cross my mind that night...Honestly I just wanted to follow him into the shadows, felt it was my duty.

The nurses, and Doctor realized that I was fading, I fought them the best I could so that I could die with Dakotah. But the blood loss was severe enough that my strength was floundering.

I woke holding my son in a blanket. I held his hands, memorized all that was him so that I would never forget every single thing, every nuance about him. The priest came in and refused to touch his hands because my son was dead. I remember swearing and thinking, although I am not Catholic, this will probably buy me a ticket to Hell, but not particularily caring. This was my son, and dead or alive, he deserved to be blessed by God. The priest went on to reluctantly offer his blessing, perhaps it was the time of night that was offputting to him, I will never know.

The time came to leave the hospital, and my son would be placed into the morgue.

What can I tell you? I couldn't leave him behind. Not in a refrigerator. But the children at home needed me, and I needed to rest, revover from the loss.

I stood in that parking lot, much to weak to protest, yet I couldn't budge. What kind of a mother was I to leave him in there? Alone? who would see to his journey? People who didn't love him, had no personal interest in seeing him off as the beloved son that he would remain for the rest of my years?

I did return home, heartbroken, shattered in a million pieces, scattered in blood droplets sprawled across the floor...

They transfered his tiny body to the funeral home, and I walked up the hill to wait in their reception area. There I sat, after having provided family photos, Dakotahs teddy bear and a letter of declaration of all of our love to him.

They incinerated all of the items, along with his fragile body in the creamation oven. It was probably the longest 30 minutes of my life. When it was over I left. The urn was to be delivered to the church during the funeral.

I chose a silver heart enclosure as the temperary resting place for his remains.

I waited for the funeral with the greatest of despair. The finality of the service would be an incredible obsticle for me, how could I ever concieve in saying a final goodbye?

How do you tell the the one you loved so dearly goodbye? How do you not carry the weight of guilt for surviving? How is it that I could not provide my son with a body strong enough to birth him alive?

I believe that I wept to the depths of my soul those first few days...subsequent months... Until years later whent he tears would come upon hearing his name, the season, then finally the day of..the 19th.

10 Years later...

I decided that the time had come to scatter his ashes...I pried open the silver heart, frightened at what I would find...

His ashes, some bones and his toe tag. I recall the feeling of his ashes, the remainder of his body and all that he was (physically) sifting through my hands...I placed the remains into a nearby body of water that connected to the cemetery (by river) where his headstone will be placed, eventually.

I've refused to purchase his headstone until it is affordable for me to buy one alongside of his. I cannot leave him alone, even in his final resting place. Such as it is for a mother and her children.

I never regretted all that I went through. The experience taught me compassion, brought my heart to the brink and back again...I learned the depth of my love for all of my children...all of whom are wonderful and helped me recovery fully.

This week comes the 11th year. I will go to the water and lay flowers down, speak the words that I do every year...my devout love, my gratitude for his being in my life and that he will never be forgotten. The 19th of Febuary will come and go, but I tell you this in truth; Dakotah lives forever on in my heart and I am better for this journey. I'm lucky. Is it sad? Yes, it was a dream lost. But there came other dreams, other children. I'd like to think that he glances down from heaven from time to time, at all of his brothers and sisters with happiness. We all remember, and that is our blessing. He is a beautiful reminder of that we can overcome adversity and learn from extreme hurt, pain and suffering.

May you all have a wonderful week , live each day as it comes, and most of all love yourself enough to let go of those who would see you suffer. To hate is to confirm your insecurities, to reveal your weakness. So love! be sweet!

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

"The resin of luck"

An insane week to be had, this is my truth, yet I plowed through it well enough.

Good friends at a winery, bottles of Italian wine (many) crystal glasses, outdoors beneath the lights draped across the tree lines

closed my week.

Gentle enough yes?

The book is presently making it's journey out into the world, while I hold the highest of hopes I aslo hold fear!

But...who am I if I don't really pursue my dreams?

I been attempting to rest and NOT work, but in all honesty the next project continually beckons me

And so I write...

Here is another bit of what I'm working on this week...hope that you enjoy...

Upon arrival, I located the nearest pub (the local as they'd say) and gathered up a seat, grateful for the reprieve from the monotony of travels burden.

Immediately my senses took great notice of his cologne...Prada by the scent I believed...

He turned to view me, as I him...

No recognition on either part, yet he did choose to speak-

"What brings you here?"

"I'm a writer, book tour....you?"

"I'm a local. And what is the name of this masterpiece?"

"Conversations of the Scotsman McEwan."

He face promptly drained of all color. Suddenly the familiarity of this Scotsman occured to my memory...the light brown hair, the bright blue eyes, the angle of his jaw line- his voice...

This man had to be a relation to my lover...ah man I had truly made a quantum error in judgement

I should've never engaged in conversation

and by the looks of things, he felt the same...

"Sawyer then, yeah?"

"Will you hate me if I am?"

he laughed

"Och no. Quite the contrary."

"I am. So are you an avid reader or..."

"Or what? Mass murderer? Sorry to dissipoint love. Just a regular man, no agenda here."

"Why do you appear as though you've seen a ghost?"

"I believe that perhaps it's not I whom should be keeping your company."

"Ah, if not you, than who...if you don't mind me inquiring?"

"A soft inquiry is always a welcome nudge if deemed appropriate for the moment."

"Is this a good moment then?"
"Aye... tis."
"How so?"

"I'm here, you're next to me. All is what I'd consider a fine moment, but again, I'm not the man who should be here yeah? Tis Grants' rightful place eh?"

I felt my stomach woosh out of its security...I had believed Grant to be residing stateside still. I left the states, and him behind. All things associated with that man had caused me nothing but grief.

Perhaps not all, not in the beginning, though it certainly ended thusly.

The last thing that I ever desired was to see him, hear his idiotic excuses, yet again. Ugh...

"What is it?"

"Just leave it alone...I didn't catch your name...?"

"James, and he's already on his way in."

"Well it's been lovely meeting you, I really need to be on my way..."

I stood up, he placed his arm on mine, holding me back

"Don't. he needs you as much as you apparently want him."

"I don't want him."

"It's obvious babe."

"Really? and how is that exactly?"

"Too late, look behind you."

Grant stood behind the pair, curious, angry...James released her arm

"I came home to be rid of you Sawyer."

"Wasn't aware that you owned the whole of Scotland Grant."

"Check the deed, it's all there."

"Enjoy your brother, I have to go."

"No...no, wait a second, James give us a few minutes will you?"

(James left the pair to it)

"Do you regret it Grant?"

"No, never. You?"

"No. I couldn't do that to you, ever."

"I shouldn't have left things the way that I did. It was a stunning mistake."

"But?"

"But I chose what I did and you stormed off as usual."

"I'm not here for you, for this."

"I know, I realize that this is a fluke. Sawyer, is it possible that I might replay that moment?"

"Are you out of your mind??!!!"

"I'm not asking for a second chance. I jsut want this one thing from you, and before you even think to respond negativley you still owe me 1.50."

"Really? You want a dollar? Because I have one on me."

"It's a dollar fifty, but I'll take this as payment."

"You're incredibly cheap..."

"Aye, now will you allow me this moment or no?"

"Fine."

Grant took her by the hand and led her out of the pub and out onto the curb.

"Kiss me."

"No."

"Kiss me Sawyer"

"No, this is daft."

"Kiss me...kiss me because I'm leaving honey. I came in here to offer my goodbyes to my brother."

"We said our goodbyes and where are you going? You're from here?"

"I'm going to Japan for a year."

"Why?"

"Because I'm bored with the food here and in the states."

"Seriously"

"Seriously, you won't love me, I've lost my bearings without you."

Sawyer leaned into the man and brushed her lips up against his

"I love you"

"What?"

"Goodbye babe..."

(An hour later in the pub with James)

"So you let him go? Why? If you love him than go after him!"

"He's already gone James."

"You jog, I jog, let's chase the man."

"He's probably already on the plane."

James smiled, we both rushed out the pub door. I never realized Grant standing directly in front of me.

The last thing that I remember was feeling a numbness in my head.

(James, standing over my unconscious body)

"Well that's certainly one way to win har back."

"I...ah shit man, she's hurt."

"Think so? She laying on the ground, looks to need stitches, probably has acquired a rather grand concussion, so yeah, I'm going to go with 'she's hurt'. So why couldn't you just tell her the truth man? Grant, she really needs to know, to hear it from you, not from anyone else."

Well hope you enjoyed this lil bit.

Have a really superb week, enjoy your loved ones and do what you love!

Thank you again to Marshall Wayne, it was lovely to meet you and show you some of the places that I write about.

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

50 million people...

Once again, I thank you for all of the support on both of the websites...
Marshall Wayne, you are doing such a tastic job...
Here is more, a lil taste of 'Chronicles of Our Death':
Thoughts of Daniel...
"Out of 50 million men, she was surely set to choose to the one that I felt the most inappropriate. The one that I would not have ever forseen as a viable choice. Not in this lifetime, nor in the next.
Of course, I had no prior knowledge of her relationship status, circumstantially there hadn't been the time.
To be fair to this woman, I hadn't required a background synopsis.
In truth, I asked nothing. The moment didn't lend itself to the discussion. The second that I held the realization that Sawyer and Logan had had a brief affair, I was suddenly faced with the inevitiable emotional exposure. I needn't reveal my private displeasure with her, by the time that she fully comprehended who I was, what we had done, Sawyer immediately left.
At the hospital I sat alone with my thoughts.
All of the things said, sworn, lobbed...I meant it all, even if I'd look you in the face right now and offer you denial. I'd lie to you, just to preserve my state of life, as it precariously stands right at this time.
I wanted to embrace honesty...
I wanted to swim in truths freedom...
But selfishness and self preservation took hold of my senses on that particular night.
Once I understood that she was truly going to fully recover, thoughts of our ordeal swept over me.
I told her, she with the most precious of hearts, that I would love her toujour (always).
That I would stand up against the establishment and take her as my wife, my lifemate.
I swore on everything that I held to be sacred.
I did and said things that I would have never said to any other woman, my wife included.
Yes, that last statement did include the most obvious of detrimental actions on my part.
My life, prior to walking into that building, was, in all likelyhood, very much a common one.
I could've been you.
I kept my word to others, I held my friendships close- I never betrayed a counsel.
I would've described myself to others as a solid younger brother, and colleague.
When we...when were alone, scared to death, I lost it...I lost all sense of right and wrong.
Is that an excuse? Is it an impossibility to find yourself in an extraordinary situation and react with insanity?
I did.
Now here's the truth. I looked Sawyer in the eyes, and she has soulful amber eyes, by the by, and told her everything that a woman should have the pleasure of hearing at least twice in her life.
Once by your first love. I would assume that he did, indeed say all that I did.
But, seeing as how I was to be the last, I felt it imparitive to spout them all off as well. Not to out do the first love, Robert (ah and he was french OF COURSE) but I offered her marriage as well.
And then I discovered that my older brother had loved her all to well, just the year prior to our meeting.
Damned man had never even mentioned the affair, I suppose Logan didn't love her? By the looks of things, Logan did what he always does, loves for the moment- then runs like hell when it becomes too tough...too real.
And now here I was, doing the very same thing to her. This isn't me. It isn't at all...
Knowing that he touched her though- wow, that blew me away...not what I would have expected.
I asked her to apologize for it. I understand that you're going to hate me for it. Simply hearing my thoughts sickens me as well. I just needed her to apoplogize...why him? How many men are in the world I asked? How many to pick from, but you pick my brother...
Sawyer apologized to spare my pride, but by her eyes she told me that I was an ass. That it made no real sense, that she couldn't have possibly had the foresight to know that she'd be common with the both of us. I certainly never saw it coming...
Well, it's a mute point now, right?
They had their time, she and I had ours. She left the hospital abrubtly, and you just know that I'm going to chase after her.
Logan has decided that he too, cannot let her go. Great. I'm certain that he'll use my words against me.
Ugh, how the heck did this happen? Logan met me here, and the minute her name was brought into conversation I knew.
He knew.
And I'm more than certain that she heard the news long before I walked into the hospital room furious at the imagined betrayel.
Before I left her side...she asked me this one thing, if she were to ever let go, would I stand tall and hold tight, keep her from going?
I said yes.
I lied.
What have I done? What have I done to an innocent woman, an unsuspecting wife...to my children...oh man to my life?"

So that is what I've been working on this week, and it has been a extraodinarily difficult time.
The work became overwhelming with the first book being sent out, finally. (Simotaniously)
I wouldn't send anything that wasn't simply pristine.
As far as Chronicles of our Death, if you really dislike Daniel, Logan, than I have done my job, lol.
The book, in its entirety was written with all three (yes, there is another man...) mens' input.
I know all of them well and they are, in actuality great guys. If you met the guys, you'd never realize where the story came from, well, perhaps after a few drinks one of us would spill...
You never know...

I need to thank Brent this week, he gave me the idea for the outline, subsequent story.
He yells at me without raising his voice...ugh.
Still makes me laugh though.

We are placing a pre-order (pay pal acct) for anyone wanting the first copies, signed books coming out.
I truly hope that you enjoy the series, and go on to further find joy in Prevenient Grace and the body of work arriving soon...
Its humbling placing this all in your hands, but if we don't take a chance than it does nothing
but gather dust yeah?

I would like to comment on 'waiting' to live your dreams...
Unless you know how many days are left to you, please stand up and find your hearts passion and grab life by the collar.
I write in latin for a specific subtext...I do so because I have to believe that the message will reach...will extend...

Now, as most of you know, I have a really dark sense of humor and if you e mail me I have two amusing stories to tell. I'm only 5' tall, so they are stories of my adventures with the wee people.
Please do not blast me for being politically incorrect, I already know that I am lol...

Have a wonderful, blessed week...

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer
Saint Andrews

The real thing...

Hello!

What a week this was...so much happened! I have been immersed in my work, which if you know me well, is precisely what I love doing...

The outline to the 9th novel has been completed, "Chronicles of Our Death." You may recall reading about Logan and his brother in my last blog. I believe that sharing these stories of our life long journeys are important.

Daniel, Logan's brother took me ( in a whirlwind gesture) to the Allen house (a historic home located in down town Austin) to dance under the bright stars of Texas this week.

It was truly beautiful...

I also lost someone close to me, my anchor. That was a really tough thing to go through alone, but again, that will be changing shortly...

So let us return to "Chronicles of Our Death" aren't you curious? This novel will bring you into the life of Sawyer once again.

We begin with heartache, as so many of my stories do so start. Logan has made a terrible judgement call. He even goes as far as to seek out other women...again.

I believe that it is his brothers' involvement that causes him to re-evaluate his circumstances...

But not one to simply stand by and merely await fates decision, Sawyer stumbles upon a very difficult if not impossible situation...

Here in comes Cassian...He is none to pleased with her life thus far and sets about to erradicate his friend from all whom would see her hurt for no other reason than selfish agendas and jealousy...

I find Cassian to be one man incredibly interesting to write about. He has a true sense of himself and is fearless in all tasks set before him. Cassian has no qualms in regard to what he must do, whether his love interest is a willing participant or not.

Aside of this, the book "The Garrison Effect" is reaching the Lit agents within the next few days...alas, the waiting for you is nearly over.

In the background of any novel there is an incredible, if not sometimes insurmountable amount of work to be done.

Unfortunately those who offered their help originally couldn't hold up to their word, while I found others who never gave it a second thought and rushed over to pitch in.

I had the stomach flu, suffered from a death of a loved one and yet, today, we are looking at the finished product.

This is very pleasing...very pleasing indeed.

It is difficult to witness people who you believed were good for their word, fall to the wayside...

But then you know who they are, and sometimes, that is what you truly need to see.

I stand.

I do not allow my knees to buckle, because if not I, then who?

So, having said that, thank you Tina, Justin, Jason, Michael T, Tommy, Tony, Leo, and Marshall Wayne for rolling up your sleeves and completing the project.

So I was asked a slew of questions via contact through e mail. I got a really big kick out of it, I suppose that it would be easier for me to answer them here, rather than send out 122 emails lol...

What to do I do on my down time? I hike, travel as much as I can...I design when I am able, though I haven't the proper skills to sketch...

Do I really only wear Gray, Black, and white? Yes. I simplified my wardrobe, with great purpose and I am happier for having done so.

Do dogs actually follow me every loving time I jog? Yes, and it's annoying, they tire easily.

The whole glass thing...is it true? Yes, just two days ago a set of china slid down from its place and nearly crashed.

Fav auto? Easy. Mercedes Maybach, black.

What makes me laugh? Someone else laughing...

Fav wine? Vignaioli Di S. Stefano D' asti Moscato, sexy from first sip to last drop. Makes love to your palate with every drink...Beautiful, stunning wine.

Why did I use my own name in the books? Ask me in person, and I will tell you. Be sure to wear a suit...lol

What impresses you? Honesty, integrity, and passion.

Who is your hero? The person who falls and gets back up, tries again. The person who holds the hand of the one hurting the most-not because they want to, but because they have to, it's who they are...

Why do you enjoy Hemmingway so much? Because he couldn't write fast enough, his passion is found on every page..

If you didn't write, what would you do? (profession) this always makes me laugh, I have more work to do on an average day then most people ever deal with.

Why latin? Ask me in person. I have alot to remark on this subject.

Do I mind being compared to the writer of the twighlight series? No. She's tastic at what she does. I'm different, so it's fine, as long as you remember that our life experiences are vastly diverse.

How much is truth/fiction in your books? You'd have to know me personally to know...

Who/what were my influences? You, the person down the street, everything that touches my heart, sometimes for the better, sometimes not... I follow my heart, follow my dreams. I don't believe in following a path, I forge my own. I became exhuasted trying to fit in, so I simply built a world where someone such as myself could emerge as happi, and yes that is happy with an 'I', a 'Y' leads to question the resolve, don't you think?

Words that I love? Capitualtion. Passion. Eternal love.

Words that I dislike? The N word, which no one, and I mean NO ONE should ever use, for any reason. Hate, Can't and Won't.

Best thing about me? I'm true, the real thing.

Worst thing? My temper...I swear like a sailor. I can't accept excuses.

What is on my Zune, playing right now? Blue oct., Jacks maniquin, Zac Brown band

Am I moving to Dallas? In all probablity? Perhaps...

Why werewolves? Why not? Vampires are over done...

If I won the lotto/had alot of money? I'm great with money, it changes nothing, except I'd have bigger safe.

What do I watch on tv? Jack, british shows, and sci fi...

Do I really hate speaking on the phone? Yes. But I do enjoy speaking to my friends.

What do I collect? Broken watches, corks from my fav wines.

Where do I see myself this year? Hiking the Highlands of Scotland, why? Because I wrote about it, and I need to see it through...I need to have that etched im my memory.

Famous people that I adore: Ian MacShane, John Nettles and Gerard Butler.

I am asked about Oprah ALL OF THE TIME, if you ever recieved the invite...I only want to ask her about her shoes...to me the most sexiest thing a man could do for you, and please duly note this, go to Italy, have shoes made for the woman that you love. She wears uncomfortable shoes. My question is why? Go to Italy and have the right ones made.

(hence why she'd more than likely dismiss me)

Why do I eat when survivor is on? Because I can...and for the record, Russel should've won. Period. He was upfront, and he didn't ever allow the word 'quit' come past his lips.

Who is my fav child, seeing as how I have so many, and why did I have so many children? I have no favs because they are all so different. As for why so many, I never believed that I couldn't do whatever I wanted in this life with children. I dreamt of a significantly large family, and I brought that dream to life. The last two were a dream that I had when I was 19 years old. I always knew that I would accomplish this goal. If not I, then who?

We all have the calling, just not everyone listens...and that is not to say that that its simply this path, we can and should all make a difference in what we are able to. In my case it was adoption, but for you, maybe its a pet adoption or bringing food to the food bank.

Am I afraid of snakes etc.? I hold no fear for snakes (execpt the deadly ones, then I scream and run) Don't like spiders... I was attacked by a large dog as a 5 year old, so I refrain from getting to close...although those are the ones who jog beside me lol...

Do I eat frog legs? Yes I do, and no, I would not eat bugs. Way to gross for me.

What is my highest Scrabble score? 501. I am very serious when I play games, and I especially love playing spades...anytime...anywhere...

Fav color? Black.

Fav place? Garmisch Germany, anytime of year...

The biggest thing that shaped my life? The death of my son, Dakotah.

Worst thing that someone ever said to me? That I was a nothing, that my voice didn't count. I don't believe that about anybody.

Do I believe in the death penalty? I'm from Detroit, what do you think?

If I had to do it all over again, what would I do differently? No. I wouldn't be me then!

Well, that is all the time that I have this week. I've got to get back to work...lol

Enjoy your days

Revel in all is you, no one can measure your worth but you!

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

"The best kept secret"

Hello...
Bruised souls tend to share their stories, and in this there is no difference.
This is a preview...
Enjoy... as promised Logan

(Logan)
There was so much that I loved about her, she was wild, free of the things that hold most women to their convential lives. She was an enigma to me. For so long I couldn't figure her out...I had a woman, one that I loved dearly but was not in love with. We had come to our end, yet I could not bring myself to hurt her.
I wanted, no I longed to be free, but I hadn't the the words to speak.
So I went on with the farce. I limited my time, limited my heart, never quite fully comprehending that I was, in fact keeping her from the true love that life held for her.
I felt that by staying with her it was for the better...
And then I met Sawyer. Purely by chance mind you...
I was so happy back then, I had begun to laugh again, looked forward to hearing her voice
looked forward to seeing her
Every chance that I had, I spent seeking out her company, her words.
Ah they were beautiful to be sure...
And so was she, to me. Sawyer made me feel alive again.
She looked to me for everything, my advice, the comfort that I alone could offer her.
Our time together was anything but boring, she was so full of life, always laughing.
Nearly half a year sped by before I realized that I couldn't continue...
I found, that over time, she was a woman who had problems like everyone else and when she
began needing me, well I dramatically pulled back.
I wanted to be there for her, but with so many others requiring my time and her being the 'new' person in my life, well I supposed that it wasn't as important as I had first thought.
She would drive me crazy wanting to hear the words from my heart
Words that I simply could not offer.
I don't fall in love readily, not to mention I wasn't about to do anything so overt.
I keep control. This is something that you should know about me...
Why should I rush into any situation that I'm not a hundred percent certain of?
Regardless after some time, and considerable obsticles in my own life, I brought us down to occasional, and I never offered apologies for it. I rationalized it all with my work, my life, my time.
I would tell her, nearly daily, that she was beautiful, that she was special, and that I indeed did care...
I knew that she needed more, Sawyer is that way, all or nothing personality. Always taking everything so damned personally. But it wasn't personal. It was simple, I wasn't in love, I merely enjoyed her company.
If I were free, prehaps things would've come along better, I don't know.
I had no incling that my brother had quietly stepped back into the picture and had begun pointing out my deficits. That she had been wrestling with what she knew in her gut to be true and her loyalty to me...
That he had indirectly hurt her with my truths...
I would suppose that everything happens for a reason though...
She asked me several days prior if I would come see her, I was vague, as usual.
She asked if I wanted her to see others, I was cleverly amusing, came back with a quip.
She asked if I wanted her to go away. I said "no"
She asked if I would miss her if she left me. I replied that I would, and very much so.
What I did not say is why I needed her to stay. I never revealed my heart to her.
Not once.
No that isn't truth. I told her once that I could easily fall for her, but I immediately regretted those words because she hounded me for months if I "was falling"
Ugh.
When I read her e mails, I replied to the first "hey beautiful"
I didn't reply to the second. It was a 'Dear John letter' with of course 'The Ultimatum"
fyI? I don't respond to ultimatums, and she knew this very well prior to writing it.
Yet she did it anyway...said if I really cared then I would come to her and say so. Make it right, be there for her. If I didn't, then I clearly never cared, either I felt that she was worth it or I didn't.
Personally, it angered me. Didn't she realize how hectic my life had become? That I was trying? That I was doing my best?
On the other hand, I understood that I had hurt her, and deeply, otherwise she would've never said those things...
I didn't 'rush' over there...I suppose that I could've, but frankly I was exhausted from work.
I didn't call either...I just felt that if she really felt that I wasn't up to her standards then who was I to show up at her door?
I'm not about to give into her demands when she's acting like a brat.
I'm not going to act like I'm her daddy.
But I miss her...I really do.

(Sawyer)
I come to you as is. Always have, always will. I became tired of the games and pretentious imagery a long time ago...
When I met him, I simply put adored him. Logan was great to be around! He really took the time to get to know me. We were good friends for quite some time before my heart started to fall. Yes, that was where I went wrong. He said it was fine with him, but clearly it wasn't, and blindly I fell. It was unexpected for me. I didn't want this to happen. I held grave concerns that because if his situation that he'd never recipricate my feelings. Nevertheless he led me down that path and I followed. I compromised everything for him, for his ways.
It wasn't my way, in this I tell you in honestly....but when I love I do so with an open heart.
All of his non verbal signals were lost on me...I may be intellegent, but I was thick headed when it came to him.
So, for the first half of the year we had oursleves quite a grand time...
And then he went on a trip, returned a different man then the one that I had known previously. He had completely pulled away. I gave him every out, yet he never took the notion. Instead he told me that I was beautiful and that he cared a great deal. Yes, I knew that he was busy, I was well aware of all of the demand being placed on his time, his person.
But he couldn't call? He couldn't find the time to see me? For dinner? For lunch? To chat?
That went on for quite some time...I wrote so many goodbyes yet never sent them.
Why? Because I didn't want to lose him...that feeling that I held so close to my heart when he was near...
But near was nearly never anymore.
He couldn't find the time.
I woke up on the morning that he was to come over and I realized that I had to speak my mind. He didn't even bother to phone to say that he couldn't make the time.
So any lingering doubts that I may have had, I dismissed and shot off an e mail with an ultimatum, be here and tell me that I'm worthwhile or that is it between us.
I knew when I wrote it that he'd never come, not even in the following days, because that is who he is, he does only what he feels like doing. Pressure him and he runs away.
Nothing is worthy.
No one would ever cause him to turn. No one tells him what to do. I suppose that even knowing this fact, I still needed to know if he really cared. I believe that if you truly care, if you really mean your words, then you'll back them up with your actions, or lack of.
So when he didn't show up, I went to bed crying, but he wasn't the only one who is stubborn.
I wasn't going to apologize for placing him on the spot or asking him to do the right thing.
What I woke to the next morning was the realization that he never meant any of the words spoken.
He never cared.
A good friend of his told me that that is simply who he is, that he can't commit. His brother, oddly enough began etching his way back into my life. I'm not certain as to why, but I never listened to what he had to say. I think it was the fact that I was speaking to him when it should've been Logan all along speaking.
But, he didn't care to right?
So I feel like I really gave my heart to a man who never had any real intention of loving me.
I would have never done this to Logan. I would've went to him, held him and to hell with my pride if I truly meant it when I said "I cared"
He left me with pain, and a heap of lies, even if that wasn't his intention.
I'm so hurt. I feel like I lost a part of my heart, more than that, I feel dense for believing that he couldn't leave me feeling this way.

**********************************************************************************

They had been the best kept secret for nearly half of year...
Logan went on his own way, never looking back, unaware of how much hurt he had caused.
There were times, when he thought to come back, return gallantly and ease her pain.
Yet he held back, not desiring to disrupt her life any further. Besides, now that the pressure was off and she had caused the break up he was free to carry on, guilt free.
Sawyer waited for awhile, believing that if he ever did care, he'd not allow her to fall into heart break. When it was clear that he had dug his heels in and simply forgotten about her, she began to slowly move on.

But that wasn't the end...
No, not by a long shot. Logan quickly realized that if she moved on as she was bound to do, her loyalty for him wanning, that she'd find another.

He would most certainly take her completely for his own.

He'd lose her forever if he didn't bend, compromise.
Afterall, she wasn't asking for much. All she wanted was some of his time, and didn't he give that freely to everyone else in his life?
Knowing that another man would take his place didn't set well with him...not at all.
He realized that she loved him. All he had to do was call, go to her...
But would his pride allow this?
He just knew that even mentioning his name brought her to tears...

Well thats all form me this week
Its a sad tale isn't it? nevertheless one that we all go through at one time or another.
Life is a give and take, if all you do is take, you will, eventually lose what you love the most.
In the end when you look back and wonder why you didn't simply allow your guard down?
Why you couldn't do the one thing that the other person asked of you...

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

"I could...could you?"

Hello...

I had a fairly eventful week...so much to accomplish in so very little time...ah such is the life of a writer yes?

Today I write about Grant McEwan, a lil portion though...enjoy...it comes from the book "Conversations with the Scotsman McEwan"

"Sawyer...what brings you by?"

"Already you're angry and I haven't said anything"

"I believe that you just did"

"nothing of consequence"

"ah give it time...I'm more than certain that you will"

" Just came to see how you were"

"I'm fine. You can leave now"

"if you say so"

"no...don't...what is it?"

"seems like you're tending bar...might I propose a drink to be had?"

"drinking with you always turns into something so much more honey"

"you're fault... not mine"

"keep telling yourself that"

"hey, you're the one who always nugdes me for more"

" it doesn't take much, I'll concede that fact"

"why can't you just be nice to me?"

"because you continuelly run back to Seth after we speak"

"yeah, because you won't commit"

"maybe thats because you caused my divorce"

"no, that would be your insatiable appitite for my body"

he laughed..."well, this is certainly truth...what has the incomprable Seth done this time? That is why you're here isn't it?"

"no...well, yeah...he forgot me again...I seem to be the last thing on his mind, yet again"

"He runs a mutli million dollar company, what the hell did you expect?"

"more than this"

"well, I can't say that I'm the least bit surprised...here's your drink...why don't you spend the night?"
" well that didn't take as long as I'd of thought..." just then, Seth Fitzsimmons arrived, furious with what he was unfolding before his eyes..."Sawyer? What the hell are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the very same question"

"I came when I didn't hear from you"

"surprised you noticed"

" I always notice...McEwan...I see that you're scrambling for my scraps again"

(Grant): " the mere fact that you refer to her as 'your scraps' speaks volumes mate"

"I'm no' mate of yours. And you are perfectly well aware of what I meant"

"och no. feel free to speak more shite Seth, but do so boldly so that Sawyer can truly hear your words"

"Sawyer, lets go. I have meetings and such, come on now, move it"

(Sawyer): "I'm having a drink. Busy"

(Grant):" looks like you have your answer Seth"

(Seth): " I wasn't joking, now lets go. McEwan, go back to your menial tasks...or do you need a tip to eat this day long?"

"ah your wit does me such favor...actually I was planning on spending the night with Sawyer, if not to give her a moments reprieve from your dark blight upon her life"

"Its not your name McEwan that she hollers over my shoulder everynight"

"Perhaps, but then again isn't it more like 'Seth you suck so bad, you're so bloody boring that I wish I was with McEwan? oh I'm sorry, before the bile reashes her lips?"

"so this is what sleepless nights does to a man then? I never realized...perhaps its time that you find a woman who can tolerate the mundane...for trust in this, I can make sweet Sawyer BEG for more, where as you're merely a memory that every now and again she falls back upon. Rather like smoking a cigerette when you just know that its going to eventually kill you?"

"could you be anymore dull Seth? I mean really? Is this something that you work at?"

"rich...dull...whatever you want to refer to it as, she still belongs to me"

"and thats why she runs back to me...often"

(Sawyer): "glad that I can be the subject of your foder. I believe that I shall leave you both to it on this day...bye"

(Grant): "Don't go..."

(Seth)"your departure is un necessary...I'm sorry"

(Sawyer): "you are both sorry"

Sawyer stormed off...(Grant) "well done Seth"

"me? you've got to be joking...it was you, you encourage this behavior in her. Why is it that you can't seemingly let go of her? I love her, you? hell you just are infatuated"

"that isn't the truth"

"She needs me...I am her life"

"If you were, then do please explain why you hurt her to the point that she shows up here?"

"we're going through a time, that offers you naught the right to interfere"

"Seth, stop treating her so badly and I wouldn't have to deal with your mess"

"ah so now she's a mess?"

"Since you've been in her life, yes..."

(later that evening, after a long, taxing day at the pub, Grant meanders his way upstairs and opens his door, only to find Sawyer lying there, in his bed, covers up to her neck)

"Ah so this is how it to be yeah? please tell me that you've nothing on beneath those covers"

"why should I tell you anything? aren't you man enough to discover this for yourself?"

"Is that how we are to play on this night?"

" I could...could you?"

"Sawyer...I could do far more damage to you then Seth, you know this to be truth, yet you come here...regardless...Seth will lose his mind if you don't rush home this instant"

"I can't go"

"and why is that?"

"I'm not certain just where 'home' is..."

"Sawyer...don't play with me...I may want you...hell, I do want you, but not while you're confused and acting out"

"prove it. Just lye next to me..."

Grant angrily complied...though that compliance rapidly turned into loves intoxication...he could no more dismiss her than cease breathing...

The morning found Seth beyond furious...he sat behind his heavy, mahogony desk...stoic...all the while planning out - meticulously so, McEwans demise...

See to it he most certainly would...

Hope you enjoyed...

I wish for you the best of weeks, and all of the mundane turning into extraordinary, for that is what life is you know? Extraordinary moments woven into our daily routines....

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews