No one asked me how I felt.
True, I've been gone to all of you for 12 years now, but I too was your child.
I heard my father remark that I had come to him in a dream and informed him that he could do the things that he's doing.
Surely I'd never desire, even in my dismay, to hurt anyone.
The last words I heard spoken were ones in anger
loud yelling
as my great grandmother held the hand of my mother as I came to meet my untimely death
I am of the two of you
not of one
I wouldn't want this
were I there I'd stop you
call you to reason
Dad, you feel as though you've lost control over your life
so your controlling everything that you can
beyond sensibility
I wish that I could bring you back to the extreme effort that it took to bring my brother and sister
to life
remind you that you could not have done the impossible
not without mom
And you cannot do what is needed completely on your own now
not because of capabilities
but because she exists
and they love
undefined by you
and beyond the reach of your hatred
I'm confused how you can pray to me
speak to me
profess your undying love for me
while simultaneously disregarding the grief that she felt
grief that nearly brought her into death with my lifeless body
her love realizing that depth
while you stood back, angered at having been awaken the night of my death
My mothers love,
like the love she holds for those who live past me remains true
you know this
yet deny my siblings simple human decency
You rationalize your actions by her reaction to your blatant disregard to her person
She's fierce
stood up
healed herself and moved on with the future
You stood frozen
closed your eyes
hoping that it would all go away
without work
without trying
You're not as angry at her
as you are yourself
because deep down you know the truth
she was loyal
she loved with everything that she had
and you squandered your time with hatred masked in inadequacy
always relying on blame to pull you through
I'm watching
feeling disgrace that my father would harm my mother
I love her
I love you
but I can't see through the haze of darkness where you dwell in
to shine light on your sorrow
You used my memory to hurt her
the only one who felt me
who knew me
who comes to me often
with no malice in her heart for you
and yet beg me to guide
I cannot guide
where you are not willing to be lead
You're fighting the wrong fight
with the wrong person
Yes, you have the ability to do extreme harm
and have done your best to do so
but you also possess the ability to face yourself and heal what was broken within
No one took anything away from you
that you didn't turn away from
time and time again
pushed away
damaged with emotional abuse
So now they scatter
and run from you
as will the others
once they grow to realize the truth
Your belief is that in maintaining control they will see you in the light that you, in your heart of hearts wish to believe is the real you
without change
introspection
this won't take place
Dark is dark unless infused by light
You cannot love unconditionally
if you deny the half of the whole
I am of her
I am of you
and so are they
Innocents
who are harmed by circumstance
no paper will resolve
repair
merely release
with closure begins no healing for the man who would never tire of the endless attention via the sorrow
For all of your years you remained alone
relying on my mom, your best friend
to provide you with her friends
her life
none from employment
none of your family
or your past
Not a coincidence
merely a convenient excuse
"The world is against me"
You told my mother that you hated who she had become
after she healed
from the pain that you put her through
and just when she recovered
you began a campaign of terror upon her person
violating even the most sacred of trust
Not something that you mention
as you pray for grace
I see the pity
I see the blind empathy
the retribution and moral judgements
with no voice of reason
that one things stands truer than all;
you led her down the very same path where she flourishes now
You condemned her to a loveless, hate inspired life of darkness
when the tears of pain spring to your eyes
consider the years of sorrow that flooded her;
the emotion that she begged you to show
and was denied
So you would call to me
your son
to hate
to follow you
when it is not my way
I was born of love
died loved
exist in a beloved memory
I'd no sooner cease loving
than return onto a embittered individual
If I could speak so that you could hear
it would be words of forgiveness
this for all
A pressing forward
I am not in your dreams
I am not apart of revenge
I cast no light in this room
I ask of you
let it go
hold onto what you do have, but not exclusively
this is not the fight of a righteous man
this is the fight of a desperate, bitter man
and that
is not who I loved
You were conditional to those I hold dearest in my heart
their words of unconditional love for me incinerated with me, taken with my soul
how I ache to hear you tell them that it was a lie all along
that you only loved by condition
damage I fear that will never diminish over time
You would admonish any who would take the path that you are on now
as you receive validation by those who have offered you nothing but pain in the past
this
this is whom advises you now
I believed you to be smarter, better than this
the man who you've become
No father of mine would do/say such things
no
my father would reach beyond
recognize that he'd gone too far
pick up the phone and do the right thing
set aside his pride
even if that was all he had left
truth being that you will be abandoned in the end
by these actions that you take now
Truth has a way of returning
teaching us a lesson
I stand by your bed
I now shout
you hear nothing
yet you pray for Prevenient Grace
I fully understand why she ran
and while others may not
all along she knew that you would never cease the harm
there was no affair
no deception
you knew years ago.
She told you time after time
but again
you refused to listen
it wasn't worthy of addressing
so you left emotionally
and she is left with the blame
the scars
He doesn't hurt her you know
loves with no condition
he has eased her mind in completion
with the grace that she so prayed for
So you'll continue to hurt her
in the only way that you can
punish her for not being a willing participant in your dark life
by claiming all that you are able
hold and crush the innocent souls who need their mother
you'd see them lack
for your satisfaction
He'll see that she survives this
he'll replace her nightmares with dreams
and he'll hear me
because I want her to be happy;
I love her that much
Daddy
you're hurting us all
because you don't want to be alone in your pain
On the anniversary of my death
she'll be there
as she always returns
year after year
will you?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Well, the second edition is to come out soon (of the Garrison Effect) very exciting to see it reach fruition!
Johns done quite a great job switching the publishing etc.
It's a learning process so bear with us as we take this journey along side.
I hope that your New Year celebration was wonderful and that you are blessed with a great year ahead.
From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews
