Our last dance together; dying in one another’s arms… the realization that on the morrow we’d begin the day sharing the same name and nothing more…
How I wanted you to love me the way that I always knew was deserved
Not forthcoming
in all these years
Time wasted, given to settling for less than comfortable…
The towel never even reached the floor when it was thrown in, the red flag raised then lowered in an uneasy truce.
I’m apologetic for your pain
Not sorry for leaving where I was never wanted
taking the suitcase next to the door full of mistrust and disregard
threw it out in the trash on my way to the vehicle, no need for that type of baggage…not where I’m going…
Headed for somewhere between August and September, a place where home surrounds me and provides comfort
that I had left behind
for your empty promise of a better life
I recall roaming the hallway, leaning on the walls at 2 am wondering how I came to be here, how you could slumber through the mundane suffocation
of what became of us
I glanced at the letter… just one more time before turning onto the highway to be certain that I wasn’t dreaming
It was a letter that began this journey… a letter that brings me home.
One twist of my ring for luck and I’m on my way…
Never thought the pain would take over me this way, all I desired was to let die gracefully what had withered years upon years ago…
Somewhere between August and September I had lost her… I was distracted, blinded by the obvious
She was left undone
the Autumn deceived by omission
Try as I might to extend my truth…it had fallen upon the distance from here to there…
Wearily I drive, slumber eluding; the adrenalin rush propelling my body just one more mile
Incomplete to the core until *I’m found by what I lost*
I’m about to write across the sky to the world…giving into the relentless scenarios that eternally play in my mind.
I’m challenged back into existence
Racing the clock, the cars that seem to idle in front of the line
My God…I’m driving in line
to beget what rightfully is mine.
I smile, a cheese line to scurry through…music blaring, wind blitzing the windows daring me to press the peddle to exhilarate…shoot pass the other fools who waited too long to see today
for what it really is
By now, she’d lie in the tub, crying for what never was, bitter as hell by my estimation
A draw to the bad side of what could’ve been healed
to vengeance that holds no gain…
By November she’d romanticize the memory, cite that once again I managed a wrong when all along I knew that I was correct.
We all live our own truths; mine was immediate and in wait.
My choice simple; decide what I could and couldn’t live with.
Three states away, stopping for fuel only adding to the apprehension, causing me to ache for completion.
The voice on the gps taking my temperature every now and again, much to my annoyance. Wondering what her appearance is?
laughing at the thought, must confess that I will probably always wonder, would I recognize her at the store if I heard the voice? And if I did, would I cringe and let her know that I’ve no intention of ever recalculating…?
I think to call, either ahead of where I’m going or behind, changed my mind and set the phone down.
I want this to last,
Because this is the last time I will ever break away; what I now take, I keep for my own.
The news hit hard;
No one expected this sudden turn of events
But who really knew that this was so far past anything that I had thought would transpire?
All the realization that I held was a someday that hadn’t arrived…disappointed and left me to disbelieve
I lent my head out the car window to take notice of the late night sky, did the stars shine as brightly here?
Rumor had it that they very well did…
A blanket that she must be looking up to praying for my homecoming to be a safe one…
The gift on the passenger seat would lighten her eyes, though I hoped for tears of joy…
The least I could do for running through Hell’s gate with a bucket of spit, her hair up in a pony tail and a brilliant smile to reassure…
Always a fighter, always the shield between the storms and the slights; a constant in laughter and wonder
I felt liberated, nearly to tears that I could return home
Leave the sorrow long behind…
Refuge now hours away, lines blurring as I can no longer hold back the elation…
Nothing here is notable; though I’ve seen that it could be…just wasn’t what held my focus with such intent
I glanced up at the gps lady’s forecast, eta, and pressed on, hoping that she was incorrect…but rain poured, rushed down and shattered my desire to excel blinding me to the right, slow lane…
She’d tell you that we were the luckiest people on the planet, I’d remark that after a tornado producing storm just whooshed by me along with all of the strife, screaming and threats that it felt anything but lucky…
By now she’d know that I wasn’t looking back
My things really were gone
The papers were signed effortlessly…
I sat up, shifted my body. I’d not let the pain consume one more minute of my life…and this was my life right?
Mine.
I had plans, not selfish ones.
I was about to share, open it all and soar above mediocrity
Good is great, but great is fantastic and I demanded it all this time around…in a big way…nothing but the brass ring would do…
Had to laugh to myself by mile marker 509, she mentioned the brass ring twisted and wished upon brought the love of your life to you
She actually stood in a fountain, twirled
I could imagine, it was something that she’d do…absolutely, if just to make me laugh
Checked the mirror.
I appeared exhausted…knew she wouldn’t care
Wouldn’t notice
I had no courage left to me to dial the phone
Wanted to surprise, leave the moment to its own devices…
She’d love this car I thought, her dream automobile
Suddenly I was grateful for the choice I had made several years passed and decided that I’d toss the keys on her dining table…
Let her be the driver of her own destiny for awhile
If only to hear the subsequent squeal of delight
A little girl dancing in the living room; masquerading as a woman, my heart sewn onto her torn rock tee shirt
Couldn’t part with the memory; lose the ability to hold up to her senses just to bring her back…
When I drove down the street and took the turn, my stomach became angry with my last food choice…
No turning back now
Saw her immediately, throwing a football on the front lawn, not surprising that she busted into a sprint from first sight
Bear hugging and crying…always the fiercest
I felt myself wrapping my arms around forever to keep it safe from the outside world…
This was something that I’d died for a thousand times over
My heart broke and repaired as we remained in that moment for such a very long time…
Somewhere between August and September I received the worst news of my life
Devastated
Destroyed
lived years in purgatory because of the loss
To receive the second half of that letter… I can’t begin to express the weight lifted.
By now, she and her friends are drinking heavily, consoling for the pain and sorrow, blaming me
My name now a curse to be spat out
Somewhere between August and September she took my name as her own and brought me more happiness then I had ever dreamed was possible.
I’m not the most hated man in America any longer
She writes my story giggling
Always did think that my struggles were meant for her personal folly
Drives me crazy,
But I love her as well…
At times I wonder why/how we became saturated by misconception, unable to see past the sorrow…
She looked to a lifetime of wait; in constant battle, hoping for the one who would stand where others faded…because in her mind…I had relinquished…
Relinquished her into a spiraling darkness…
To have known me; all that I held, including herself in such a manner, then curiously discarded
Scared and maimed.
Between August and September I found that she had written me into erasure
self preservation that wouldn’t hold up to my memory- except I never was aware of the grasp that I crossed across her heart
We were both so incredibly wrong.
Misinformed, intentionally misguided, and sent out into the world missing a part of ourselves
We had to choose…
Harbor the wrong
Or make it right…
All of the memories flooded, night after night…initially.
She was frightened
I had no other choice but to shield.
We’d travel side by side, though in truth it was older to younger between us, always had been.
I thought about my past, how I had become sullen and lent to submission to avoid conflict.
Where had I run off to?
She was a leader who only followed me.
I was the King who had drowned…
Now that our court had reassembled there would be hell to pay
Not with a bucket of spit…
I suppose what I’d want you to walk away with is this;
Sometimes enough truly is enough
settling for less does mean you’ll receive less…
And unless you believe in taking that one last chance, you may lose the light that would finally guide you home.
Sequence of events.
Never a coincidence.
Worth boils down to self worth.
She didn’t give me that.
I simply had to realize that it couldn’t be taken away through the trials and tribulations.
Somewhere between August and September I went home,
finally.
Not a place, but a frame of mind.
In that frame, you’ll find she and I.
Long lasting, open communication, no time wasted.
Am I sorry that I launched above the familial to land here?
No.
Only wish I had done it sooner.
From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews
