Prose of the dark man

I took her on under the guise of friend.

I thought it best, as did the others not to alert her as to who I really was. Already defensive and hyper vigilant, Heather was unable to trust willingly. There seemed to be little choice. Decieve and quite possibly have her wall up her emotions completely (upon discovery) or be honest and know refusal from the go.

So I decieved. She didn't really seem to afford me much latitude in either case, something that I was unaccustomed to. Women tend to lean on me, fall for my charm, inheritantly trust.

Heather was different. Her walls, built to protect her heart I had assumed, were insurmountable.

Later, I was to discover it wasn't the case. She chose to protect others, not herself.

I had thought that perhaps this might be a plausable explanation, but it was quickly dismissed; my intellect refused to allow it.

I spoke to her of residing in my home for a time, I thought in doing so she'd enjoy some peace, a relative reprieve from the stresses of the external.

I held high hopes that by utilizing the isolation I could ascertain, and diagnose the problem, the darkness engulfing her.

The first few days Heather remained withdrawn, quiet. I spoke of my life, travels, family. Anything that I thought would bring her into conversation I made the attempt.

She merely nodded, smiled once in awhile. One thing noticed however, was the constant eye contact. Heather never wavered. Never.

We shared meals, watched a movie or two. She rarely uttered a word. By her closest friends I found that she was previously talkative, outgoing and carefree.

This

this was not the woman sitting on the couch across from me smiling sweetly.

When I gently inquired about her last relationship she glanced downward

remarking very quielty that he had desired another

but upon reflection, and bearing witness to the new love she had known relief.

Heather held no wish to be what she was not, or for that matter change who she was.

I felt elated that she would share what little information she did.

That particular evening I woke to a slight noise, only to bump into Heather directly across from my room. Her natural beauty swept me away. Her hair was damp, strewn on to her freckled shoulders.

I suddenly found myself abandoning the ethics that I had sworn to uphold.

Passion, in all of its intensity had drawn me past what I would have ever dreamt that it would.

I said nothing, I touched her waist, applied a bit of pressure. I had to let go. Let her get back to bed...

Had to place the memory of that white satin gown clinging to her body behind me.

I lie in bed wide awake...

Nights later we ran into one another again, only on this occassion I chose to linger.

I wanted her.

I wanted her badly. I also wanted to heal her heart.

The man in me simply wanted to take her for my own. What was happening between the two of us was surpassing reason.

Friday she woke screaming...I rushed into the guest bedroom, sat on the bed beside her and held her with all of my might...

she trembled, weeping softly. I asked her what had transpired and in desperation she admitted that she had been suffering from the severity of night terrors. The dark man had been continually haunting her.

I did what you'd expect. I explained that it wasn't real, that I was there for her, etc.

She pointed over my shoulder

He stood, arms crossed. Black shirt, piercing eyes of blue.

"Why hello Doc. I see we have something in common..."

This week has been full, alot of work so many revelations that brought me pause.

Looking forward to coming back to Dallas soon.

Enjoy your week,

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

The 48 fall

We met on the deck of a relatively large cruising ship. She was bundled, nearly buried in several wool blankets. I smiled at her, thinking what we do sometimes to save a buck.

She nodded, understanding completely. I was a bit taken back when she politely offered to share the blankets with me-meaning that we'd have to spend a considerable amount of time on our 48 hour trip holding onto one another.

I may of hesitated, but quite frankly my resolve was lost in its entirety when I silently ascertained that I'd be with one hell of a natural beauty.

There are certainly worse ways to travel I thought.

The wind tried its damndest to dampen our spirits, but she just seemed to wave it off with a smile.

I waited for some time to pass before introducing myself, looking back, I had my arm around her long before we knew each other's names.

"I'm Jack."

"American, me too."

"Your name?"

She giggled. "Tommy"

"You're joking right?"

"No."

On through the night we spoke, this girl amazed me in conversation. Finally, when the stars began to shine brightly she fell asleep in my lap, I leaned against the railing- wondering how dumb luck had landed me here, in this moment.

Day two we shared crackers and a bottle of wine that she had snuck onto the ship. It actually tasted brilliant, hunger will do that to you, I supposed.

Fall on the seas has a bitter quality, yet somehow I felt considerably warmer holding onto this prescious cargo...

Tommy shared of herself her life story, bitter sweet in nature, though clearly she had risen above its torture. I found that I too, disclosed the most intamate of secrets.

I felt utterly compelled to do so, not knowing where this would lead-not caring either.

That day we walked around the ship, surveying the rough seas, people watching- speculating in a rather humorous nature. Amusing that she could place diologue in others as we stood at a distance entertaining one another.

Truthfully, I never wanted it to end. Sensing that the night was about to close in on us, and realizing that we'd have but this last evening to remain in such close proximaty I leaned into her to share a kiss.

Tommy pulled back "Surely you don't want to do this."

"No, I really do."

She grinned broadly "Then you'll promise to meet me the year next?"

"How can I possibly promise something like that?"

"I don't want a bad goodbye."

"I'm not going to hurt you Tommy."

"I'm already missing you and you haven't left the ship yet."

"If we agree to meet here next year, then you agree to marry me, right here on this bow- got it?"

She laughed at the absurdity but nodded in agreement and instead of knowing my kiss I found her kissing my lips.

Now let me say this. There are times when you simply just know what you know.

I felt that kiss across my body. I knew love from that moment on. I held onto her for the remainder of our time together, never wanting to ever see this to its natural conclusion.

I woke the next day to her having already disembarked and a letter left stuck in my jeans.

"Dear Jack.

That sounds dreadful. Let me start over.

Jack. What a time we had. What a gift to have met you, know your mind, feel your heart and hear your laughter. Of course I will be your wife, if not in our dreams. Who wouldn't dream of this?

Our 48 held more for me then the last of the 5 years that I have known. I will dream of seeing you every night, your strength guiding me as I falter, as I'm sure that I will. You are unique and in the possession of a beautiful soul. I'm not certain as to how anyone could fall in love so quickly, but I knew when you looked into my eyes that it was so.

I will return the year next, I hold promises that I make dear.

If I don't see you, well, then I will remember you in the kindest of order. You'll be the continual story of 'what if' what might have been.

Safe travels, great warmth in the cold, coolness to your skin when the sunbears down with unrelenting heat. Blessed love to your heart if we see each other never again.

Like a child to Christmas, I will believe, if not for the year.

In anticipation,

Tommy"

I smiled through my deepened sadness. Not really a romantic, more a pragmatic man I did not share in her belief. I thought well, this is it. Love found, love lost. I told myself that it didn't matter. It was just a long fall- falling in love, the season, the moment...the ship. It wasn't real.

(One year later)

I went. I booked the very same voyage. I purchased a ring...just in case. No, I didn't really believe that she'd be there, but to be brutally honest- my year had been one of pure misery. I missed her desperately. I honestly felt that I needed a therapist to relinquish the memory impressed upon me of her, of my Tommy.

My heart sank when she was no where to be found and believe you me, I searched.

I grabbed a blanket to warm me as I opened a beer and began drinking my sadness away. A man approached me, his face familiar to me, though I couldn't quite place it.

I glanced up, said hello.

He sat down beside me, a deep sense of worry and pain clouded his eyes.

"She's dying."

I didn't want to hear this. I turned away. Perhaps this man was crazy...

"Did you hear me? She's dying. Tommy couldn't get on the ship because her heart is failing at such a rapid rate that she'd not of made it. We're 48 hours away from her. I can't tell you what to do, or even ask, but her dying wish was to die in the arms of love. I'm her father, this I can surely provide, but my feeling is that she would prefer it be you Jack."

"I don't know what to say. We hardly knew each other."

"Perhaps, but that is a ring box sticking protruding from your pocket is it not?"

I clutched my shirt pocket in embaressment. "Yeah."

"Love has a do many a thing. From experience, most of it unconditional and unselfish-assuming it's real love. Was it real for you?"

"Yes."

"Then let her know that before she's gone to us forever."

48 hours later I found myself at the hospice, holding onto Tommy. I placed the ring on her finger, spoke the words through my tears, and loved her with the last breath that she'd ever take. I wanted to die right along beside her, this is my truth.

All of my dreams, hopes, died with her that fall day.

Subsequently her father and I would scatter her ashes in the sea, both claiming the mist as the reason our faces were soaked with water.

That was 10 years ago. I've since found love again, married. I have a son now, Tommy. He's 2 years old. Probably the most beautiful boy in the world.

I take the trip to Italy once a year, in memory of her, my lost love-though each year it becomes more of a joy, less hurt.

I'm able to see her in all the beauty that surrounds me, my family.

When I find myself saddened, brought down by lifes complexities I am gently reminded that within 48 hours a lifetime can occur

everything can and will change with a blink of an eye.

I have to close this for now. Time to tuck Tommy in.

Funny, he always seems to require so many blankets...

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

Her tell

There were times when I'd sit and watch her write for hours upon hours, wondering when, if ever

she'd take pause

if not to simply live a little bit

yet she continued

I gently inquired

as to why

uncertain the answer wouldn't devastate

knowing that unlike most

she'd reveal

It harmed

I fell

because it wasn't a story

it was a tell

her tell

Of the love that she longed for

years of longing

for the everything that I could not provide

not monatarily mind you

time

time that I refused

promises that had been left unfulfilled

I read

after she had fallen asleep

next to the computer

slaying words

things that I never wanted to believe

of myself

I read

elated to hear the words

that had eluded me for what seemed to be eternity

I had decidedly given up

ceased praying for what heaven denied me

knowingly

for I felt un deserved

of a love such as hers

I happened upon the prose

in one incredible moment

I felt transformed

she had found me

at last

I was left with the search

which took me from Germany

to the US

worth the travel

the time

I met her

purely by chance

amazed, I promised myself that I'd never let her go

Now I wasn't certain as to how I'd keep this promise

but

I didn't come here to lose

I came to provide my time

my promise

Elated

to have been found

she tearfully cried

confided that she had felt lost...

torn apart by duty,responsibilty

and a wanderlust for life

I spoke of my home

wondering if she too

longed for the warmth of hearth

exhilarated

when she afforded me this gift to her

saddened

hearing her goodbyes

to all that she knew

By the warmth of the fires blaze

she began to write

it's who she is afterall

the words filled me with joy

she loved

me

******

This week was incredibly tough, taxing. The work this week swamped and though I love it, at times it feels that there isn't enough time in the day to accomplish the copious amount of tasks.

I'm looking forward to its completion, subsequent release.

I wanted to thank the latest responses flooding through the mail, always a welcome surprise.

Well once again, I must return to the work that I hold in such adoration.

Hope you enjoyed the prose. I always like the bitter sweet...

Bless your week and those that you hold dear.

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

Shepherd

A thousand kinds of hurt

watching you cry

weep

held my stay

til I could bear no more

Despite what they say

what I had known (that day, when I had placed my hand onto your heart)

the truth that I had openly dismissed

simply didn't match my intent

honestly

I've no regrets

leaving you behind

though a deep sadness burdens

weighs upon my shoulders

how could it not?

I loved your heart;

the smile that radiated beauty from within

I reluctantly had to admit

that I could never provide what you required most from me

you fought back

as I knew that you would

'tis your nature

warrior that you are

never a quitter made

from the cloth of the Irish

Your voice held the strength of a lion

all of the while

your heart shattered in my hands

A thousand kinds of hurt

knowing those tears were for me

One day you'll happen upon it

a better man

a loving, true heart

one who will steal you away

from this haunting past of yours

Paper machette hearts aren't for you

words with no action

remain meaningless

that which would serve no purpose

eventually falls away

privately, I expedited the process,

desiring to spare your heart any further grief

You never knew

how difficult it was

to remain in the shadows

helping

when I myself loved you

wanting

desiring

all along

Yet I knew

realized

that this was not my life

it was yours

and because of the love that I held in stay

the hurt that I had inflicted

I stood

turned around

and directed you through circumstance

To he

the Shepherd

and it is in he

that you shall be truly free

forgetting all that was us

He'll take your hand,

you his name

I will know a thousand kinds of hurt

in this however

I can live

knowing that you are loved

in a way

that I could not.

Be incredible, live your life to its fullest. Know what you know

and celebrate loved ones.

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

Prevenient Grace

On a personal note, thank you Scott for all of your time and efforts on my behalf, and of course the novel, without you we wouldn't be here, at this place and time.


For the others who have spared no time or expense in extending themselves, I thank you.


And for the one who dropped the ball, well, I don't know exactly what to say, other than I wish you hadn't. Even though this is a tremendous amount of work, you would've discovered its worth, work in this genre is a blessing, no matter the trial.





So here we go...





She knew exhaustion, writing prose that she truly believed in, at first.


When he came into the picture, 'he' being the man that she held the utmost trust in, her self view altered.


Quite frankly he did her a diservice with his disbelief.


She wavered


where she would've never before


Prior to him


she held strong onto the dream





She didn't believe that I would read her prose


that I would see


happen upon it


as so many others would


before me





I found out later, in a long list of men, that they too had approached her


speaking the ultimate un truth:


"I am Declan"


when they could not be


or even close





I have been in search of Prevenient Grace


It was I who kneeled praying for it


as did she





While I played the piano,


seeking solace


I realized that her prayers mirrored my own


that he had hurt her tremendously


that she was lost


I witnessed this in her eyes


reflecting an urgency that I hadn't seen


for such a long time





The last time that she came here


she sat in fron of me,


here


on this very bench


placed her hands upon mine


as I played


just to feel the music


that she herself could not create





She cried you know?


From the purity of the moment


so much like her


to feel everything



It's all subjective to her


what holds no meaning for others


in this she finds grace


always





I was unpleasently surprised


at the lack of enthuisiasim


in her quest


perhaps she didn't realize that I was him


not then





What began with such verocity


intent


became waylaid


riddled with pain


if only he would have admitted his deception


she'd know


to look up


and see


me





I brought her back here


just a few days ago


under the guise of work


always work with her


she lives vicaiously through the novels as you well know


requested that she remain under my care





She softly inquired why?


I remarked that while I completely understood the vulnerability that currently held her in a drowning state


that I would not tolerate it any longer


I'm a father figure


she


responds only to strength


this


I knew


all to well of her





The first day she felt apprehension


wandering my home


attempting to appear busy


however the second day


she relented and asked "What do you want?"


I took her hand into mine


walked her to the door


and simply stated


"For you to choose"





She immediately understood


and chose to return inside


There isn't a dare that she'd deny


her nature would never allow for it


this I banked


as my trump card





I asked her to contact him


let him know


that he'd be no more


no more words


no more hurt


above all else, no longer in her life





Though they had ended things politely long ago


she needed to complete the closure


but for me


it was different


I wanted him to know what I had done


who I was


and what would happen from this day on





He should be made aware


because his dream was about to end


mine to begin


so many had attempted to hold onto her


as she floated


I however lead


this is my truth


ambition is not something that she lacks





Quite the contrary


for all that she had done


up until this point


had been for Prevenient Grace


not for fame


or monetary gain





I'd suppose that no one had taken the time to read the latin


or speak to her in belief





So perhaps she began


pulling away





In any case


I had a decision to make


And like any good father figure


I did so


to heal her bruised soul


I asked the right questions


taught her what she needed to know


led her to the place where she is now





The prose changed


dramatically


impressive really


to not only see the words


but to feel them





She's been sequestered


by 'copious capitulation' as she lovingly refers to it as


to Dallas


where she remains


until her strength returns





Prevenient Grace comes to us all


if only we believe


and I believe


in her


and


I





Declan McDaniels








Special gratitude for Rick, your kind words were heartfelt, appreciated and adored,


thank you.





Frmo my hand to yours,





Sawyer


Saint Andrews

Blue eyes dancing

I bore witness to true love

the truest love

from a man who would openly tell you

that he does not love superficially

only delves into

your heart

His daughter rushed into his arms

after having been away

for a time

and time is so brief in childhood

as we all are keenly aware

His blue eyes danced

Sparkled with untold joy

love

the depth that only a parent knows for his child

his head tossed back with laughter

news of her day

tales of her violin lesson

lightened his heart

As I looked on

I thought ah, so he loves with depth

how amazing

and how fortunate

for those that he truly loves

in his life

his friends

those he mentors

There were words of anger spoken across a table

ones that I chose not to respond to

yet he did

he reached across the wooden barrier

ignoring the others who would ruin the moment

between friends

and extended his strong hand

He asked of me

What would you like to say Sawyer?

my response was in latin, for his ears only

because he was well aware of the secret behind the hair falling down to my shoulders

"Alis volat propris selum proferre, alis grave nil"

I barely whispered

In response he offered this:

John made a promise to you, keep my hand in yours and hear this Sawyer:

"Haec ego multis scribo sedtibi sal is enin magnum alter alteri sumus. Truth? I am learned, but I will lead you your life long, if you'd afford me this role."

I understood his meaning, nodded to John for his input, a promise fulfilled, grateful.

Addressed the man before me

Keeping hold of his hand, mind you

I will follow,

if not to know your brilliance

to find my own

more than this

to die in your arms

when the time comes

Where else would I fall

but into the arms of the man whose eyes

dance so freely?

who brings me home

in every moment

every bout of laughter

every embrace of shared pain

tears that are wiped and felt deeply in both of our hearts and lifted by the mornings light?

I witnessed those blue eyes

tearing up

welling with emotion

when he stunningly

appeared

top hat

tux

and announced

that today was the last day

that I should realize curious anxiety

Let's put this to rest

the question that stands between us

I want you to know that everyday

I will be in it

and you will be here

for me

And so I ran

through the water

through the street

and onto hollowed ground

vowing to love with honor

What a privaledge

each and every morning

to bare witness

to those baby blues

the sweet, sweet love that they silently speak

Our children

they see this everyday

as well

There will come a time

long after they have grown and moved away

when we pass

hopefully I before him

when I will fall into his arms one last time

go to my rest

the summerlands

with the love of family

and the memory

of the eyes that saw through everything that is me

directly into my heart

and loved me

in spite

of any flaws

or misgivings...

His daughter will marry

love and be loved by a man extraodinary

because the bar had been set so high

by a man

so remarkable

Have a wonderful, blessed week

enjoy the sentiments

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

Dundee

Had a great weekend with a croc wrestler

yes

and it was amazing

fascinating

running across the water in cowboy boots

singing about wee people

laughing at one another

as friends often do

who could ask for a better guide

to Dallas?

He in his indy hat

broad grin

myself with wine in hand

fabulous

to say the least

ran through the streets

arguing about Armani

and the maybach

to drive us to and

fro

Observed as the man crouched on the pillar

turned in color

to suit our mood

lit squares on our right

bold displays of simplicity on our left

a life seen through his eyes

is one of splendor

Rushing home to eat brownies and drink wine on ice

beneath the moon

candle light to warm

trees swaying across the cabana

still can see his blue eyes dancing

Found myself with friends

having nothing to say

thoughts of the croc man

racing across

clouding

Wonderful

to wrestle

with your mind

wrangle the possibilities

No one seems to smile

as much as he

incredible mind

incredible life

shared

if not for just a brief time...

Not many recieve an invitation

of a lifetime

such as this

left the phone

didn't want anything to disrupt the time

Memories

placed on postcards

to relay the joy

tell the story

relegate the imagery to excerpts

Glad to be home

grateful for the laughter

the peace

the exploration

and realizing that I'm about as lucky

as one person can possibly be

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews