Tuesday, January 24, 2012

"Potestatem obscuri lateris nescis"



He left his father after quite the lengthy conversation. They didn’t share/partake in open forum often so this had caught him off guard.

Ethan sat back, easing his muscular body into the welcoming, familiar leather chair in his office. He inherently understood that he’d have to take the time required to realize the measured words most assuredly needed to approach her.
It had become appropriate to procure the woman;
the un released manuscripts, before any further documentation of their existence could be known by the general public.
For Ethan this fact was inconsequential, it was his inner thoughts being exposed causing him to feel apprehension. Complex, layered, his persona couldn’t have been further removed from those around him- yet here before him lie pages upon pages of script in regard…

Garrison held suspicion that she shared in the dreams that plagued the Dire.
Ethan knew better.
Nightmares ripped apart her every days’ close.

He had been watching her for quite some time;
tell tale signs of sleep deprivation wearily told their story in her amber eyes.
From binocular vantage Ethan took witness to the dawn ritual of dancing on the white linen bed, jumping onto the floor in an obvious attempt to seize the day in her own, unique way.
Caused him to smirk, thinking she’d be just the type to do this sort of thing even if made aware of his presence. Ethan imagined her skin soft to the touch- hair flaxen, eyes dancing when told of emotion…
Long an observant of the nature in all that was her, he felt confident that he would, with ease, ascertain Sawyer’s motivation.
If there were truth to the innate knowledge, she’d know him by sight;
sense an immediate connection…
recognize him by pheromones emitted…

Ethan promptly cancelled his afternoon meetings via his secretary and sought out to remove the distance between he and the writer

With great bravado and swagger Ethan possessed the room from the opening of the door, so large was his character;
persona
His smirk the only ‘tell’ to those who knew him intimately, (though there were few to speak of) visibly reminded to choose wisely, carefully and he’d, in return, offer discretion and privacy duality that Ethan vested as importantly as it was for one to draw breath.

Sawyer turned to see him leaning against one of the many heavy oak tables in the establishment
He was of interest to her;
there in resonated a stirred truth deep beneath the façade presented to the world at large. From first glance his age, attractiveness meant little to nothing.
Sawyer thought ‘here is a man who captures and knows his strength… adheres to his own set of standard.’.
She whispered hello, causing Ethan to lean down to her level if merely to hear the breathy salutation.
Sawyer cared not, if you wanted to listen then do so;
No? Than preferably leave the words left unheard.

It only mattered if you held its context in prize.

Ethan felt an unexpected emotional pull immediately, though he’d not readily admit such.
He hadn’t come here with the intent of seduction or the need to become entangled in a web of budding love.
This was only to be a ‘chance’ meeting in order to decide if Saint Andrews posed any type of threat to the Dire.
He afforded her the latitude of standing inappropriately far too close to his person as he began small talk
rapidly turning into deviant banter.

Ethan couldn’t maintain the control that he sought;
Sawyer had a mind of her own that was pressing him for answers unwilling to surface
Finally, he chose to address the true reason he had placed himself in her company (in reference to her novels) “When you penned the stories…how did you know?”
“Could you be more direct?”
“I’m the man that you’ve been writing about honey.”
Sawyer smiled, graciously. It wasn’t as though she hadn’t heard this line spoken all for the want of being acknowledged and desired….
“Feeling that way is a wonderful compliment, thank you. When my writing connects with the reader I’m well pleased.”
Ethan knowingly grinned. Rather then render a useless diatribe about novels etc, he took hold of her hand into his and leveled his gaze to hers.
“I’m able to prove it.”
Sawyer suddenly felt a wave of trepidation take hold of her senses. First of all, her novels revolved around the legend of the werewolf and that of the man spearheading the pack (so to speak) was a love lost to her
Though she felt her life needed no narrative, it most certainly required an open invitation to the man who could hold title to the head of the Dire.

Now standing before her
Strong hand strategically pressing against the small of her back
was the open broad defiance laying claim that he was indeed this man.

Sawyer sighed heavily “I’m listening but be warned; I’m easily bored.”
Ethan closed his light blue eyes for a brief moment, opening them only to reveal a dramatic alteration in color.

Better to show by example than weaken with words.

Ethan bowed his head placing his unshaven face precariously close to hers,
sharing breath
He extended his canines to a much surprised Sawyer “Kiss me honey…”
She shook her head no.
Ethan placed his left hand on her shoulder and began to tug at the grey tightly fit tee shirt that she was wearing in order to expose her lightly freckled shoulder.
Sawyer provided the latitude, curious as to what he would do next

She needn’t wait

He clamped down hard, deep into her flesh drinking the blood up and into his eager mouth
Biting his tongue as well and dropping just enough into the open wound for her to begin to feel the rush of a thousand life times and deaths course through her heart; blood stream

Ethan’s truth was now her realization.
He had driven his point directly home.

In a hoarse, low voice, he offered her this “Tell me love, believe me now?”
She stammered out in a barely audible whisper “I…I…I wrote this…how is it that you are…here? Now?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I’m here to procure you, the knowledge that you possess and anything else that sparks my interest.”
“I dreamt the novels…I am not the woman that you believe me to be.”

Sawyer began backing away, fearful, suddenly of what this man could do to her.
Ethan would have none of it.
Saint Andrews had written herself invasively into his life, his mind- by these deeds alone she’d have to succumb to Ethan’s will.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is an excerpt from one of the later novels…that moment when you’re faced with what you presumed to know as truth only to discover that fact and fiction are usually entwined in the most unexpected of ways….
I hope that your week was exceptional, finding you well and in high spirits…

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

Sunday, January 15, 2012

"The King of the grand circle"



Darkness engulfs;
doesn't ease its way into your life
it enters with a simplicity that gently reminds;
vulnerability exists to the degree of latitude that is individually provided.
I owned the dusk.
There was something magical about the sky reaching down to the very tops of the trees to close the day that I found mesmerizing
My youth was spent running free...
The Stonehenge tree formation,
grown to gather near roaring fires
crowned me 'King of the grand circle'
Spectacular vision into the evening sky
where I held court
nightly
On the eve,
as we were walking slowly along, no agenda to be had
I turned, with sudden stroke of thought
took her hand into mine and led her out into the acreage
something churning
changing
aching for even more than I understood at the time
The vibrancy of the darkness wasn't lost on me
it fed
served a primal need not yet explored
though surely felt
with depth
its pressure building the closer the proximity between us
First with silent gestures, subtle...to guide;
urging her to follow...find her way through my perspective
It came to be that I dressed her...
serving the natural curves of her body
with material that pleasured my senses
bathed
fed
subsequently dominated with completeness
It stirred within her as well;
the longing awakened
I became father to her child
To overwhelm was to follow instinct
Midnight cloaked ulterior motives
I'd no sooner explain, preferring time to unfold;
reveal
She was brought to me by my father
this I heartily embraced as significant to fulfillment
no question as to purpose;
in my young mind
There came in the night
transition
I faced the obligatory need to procure capitulation in its purest form
my demeanor had been altered
permanently...
What I desired
I would posses.
I opened the door to my chambers,
ushered her in and away from the innocence of childhood
never a question of consent
she loved
adored
succumbed...
With winter came shorter days
and the loss of her
I waited years
seemed endless to me;
the trials
tribulation
unimaginable at times...
Couldn't fathom living without her
not any longer
after everything endured
She rushed back in;
questions abound regarding the darkness
memories that she couldn't escape
her life having spiraled;
as mine had done
I opened my arms in welcoming solace;
once again she took my hand and headed into the night
this time never to return to the mundane
normalcy simply not our path to follow
When the night came, as it must, we humbly re entered the world that we once called our own
I expressed my intent to reclaim what was my paternal birth rite...
with iron will if need be
She knew me as her one true light
came to me willingly
with the humility of a life lived aching for the father to her heart
first love...
I came to be her husband, she my beloved wife;
as it was always meant to be...
Vows taken
promise renewed...
"King of the grand circle" I reign over the dusk
keeping her heart vested with mine
shielding
father to her child...
From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

"Scribe est agere...ut incepit fidelis sic permanet" (To write is to act...as loyal as she began; so she remains.)


Life has scarred you...me...
we two for the realization of love, loss and the devastation of separation.
It is that I should lie down for you-
to be branded eternally as your darling of chaos;
your baby girl
And you
taking hold of both of our hearts;
fusing we two together with the greatest of wilful intent
"The Saint" "The Sinner" knowing church in the woodlands discovering lyrics amongst the murmur of leaves descending into free fall
my Queen to your Kingship of abandoned change
Finally home
feeling so in each and every embrace
Life has blessed we both with the inherent knowledge that we exist together
leaving bound eternally as our souls have always been;
beautifully blended.
I hope that your holidays were blessed and that the year to come is a splendid example of 'each day is a choice' . Thank you for all of the sweet e mails and well wishes.
Blessed be,
from my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

Monday, October 31, 2011

Becoming King



I listened on as they spoke; he with a low growl type voice, hers a mere whisper.
I wanted to look away, but judging by the exchanged intensity between them, this I felt required my full attention.
The barn was lit only with white candles from rafter to rafter, every bale of hay illuminated with mason jars glowing from the small, flickering flames.
It was beautiful.
He withdrew a small, folded, aged photograph from his jeans pocket and handed it to the woman.
By her expression I could see that she felt overwhelmed. It was a picture of a small girl being held by an older boy with great security.
I crossed my legs, leaned back against the wooden wall and listened intently.
The woman whispered “This is us yeah?”
He nodded. “In the beginning. Knew I loved you even then.”
“And now?”
“To a depth that I never imagined possible.”
She methodically wiped the tears from her face, he toyed with the strands of blond hair that had fallen from the French braid framing her face.
He lowered his gaze to her neckline…this must’ve caused her to become uncomfortable because she stepped back a step.
A smirk crossed his lips.
“You belong to me. How we come to this isn’t a question; it’s a probability. When have you ever denied me?”
She knew. She had always known him based on the photograph exchanged.
“Ethan…I’m afraid.”
“Obviously. You’re trembling.”
He tugged her closer forcing her to feel his massive chest.
She ran her hand across his worn shirt, memories flooding her senses.
From my vantage point I could feel the tension growing at an expediential rate. Ethan was slowing his breathing, measuring his words and more than that- he was seducing.
I wished he’d say her name, I felt as though if I could hear him utter it perhaps I’d discover more…carry this with me after tonight-
Write about it later?

He placed his hands around her neck.
She pleaded with her eyes for him to stop.
I wanted to cry out “No!” but I had to see…
Had to know what Ethan was about to do.
She never reached up to end the advance, instead, she gently raised her hand to his face and traced his lips with her finger tips.
He responded “Unbutton your blouse for me baby girl.”
She shook her head no.
I thought he’d squeeze; tighten his grip around her neck…
Ethan did no such thing…just leaned down and kissed her forehead.
“I need you to submit. You have to obey.”
She unbuttoned 3 of the top closures, unwilling to go further.
“I’m too afraid. I want you Ethan, I do, but I can’t seem to move, succumb.”
“Do you want me to tell it again?”
She nodded weakly, he postured himself to further intimidate, refusing to release his hold on her.
“I came for you first and foremost as your friend. I stood in front of you, in the beginning, as your protector. It was from birth. I came to protect you, care for you and later guide.
Its truth that I should’ve been more vocal, explain life to you. (his eyes searched hers in earnest) but you were to learn it from me alone and so it went. You lived for me; I for you. When the changes came, they came for me first. I merely followed what my father did, his father before him and so forth. Who and what I became, wasn’t intentional in the sense that I set out to be this type of man…
I had no idea what turmoil plagued your daily, what caused the nightmares…..
Sawyer, all that I knew is that it healed you and so I became.
Later, you were brought to me.
Psychologically I can only imagine the ramifications it placed upon the both of us.
We are here, as we are now because of this correct?”
Sawyer nodded in affirmation.

I placed my hand to my neck, wondering how that must’ve felt, for her…the trust between the pair must be immense.

“I think that I’d rather not know how it ends.”
“We’ve married. It’s not enough. You understood when we exchanged vows that it would not be enough.
Not between you and I.
There is only one way to seal ourselves together.”
“I have your name. It’s enough.”
“It would’ve been, were not for extenuating circumstances. Un do your blouse baby girl.”
Reluctantly she did as she was told.
Ethan released her neck, pulled his own black tee shirt up and over his head and casually tossed it aside onto the floor.
“Help me with my jeans.”
Sawyer nervously unbuttoned, unzipped his jeans. Ethan followed suit by removing hers, then his own. I thought, at this point, to look away.
I was knowingly intruding…
Yet I remained; intrigued by the oddity of it all…
I watched as Ethan’s blonde hair shimmered in the candle lit room, how is eyes danced with elation that he’d finally receive whatever it was that he sought; hungered for.
He motioned for Sawyer to let her hair down, she declined, he took it down for her. Amber eyes if you looked closely, Sawyers eyes danced in delight as well. The more dominance he wielded, the more intense the exchange…
Ethan took her by the shoulders and turned her around. “I’m going to make you topless.”
“It’s unnecessary for this.”
He grinned broadly.
“I know. It’s for my pleasure entirely.”
Ethan’s hand traced over the words inscribed onto her back. “These are my words…you can do this honey…for me, for us.”
He unhooked her brassiere, letting it fall. “I love that you did this for me…” Ethan traced the tattoo yet again.
By his facial expression, the foreign words held great meaning to him.

To be remembered daily in such a manner…
I thought how pleasurable that must be. Would anyone go to that length for me in my lifetime?

As he turned, I felt my stomach drop. It was as though he had gathered a glimpse of my hiding spot- Ethan had paused, seemingly looking directly at me.
I sat there, ridiculously frozen, paralyzed with fear.
He laughed!
He continued.
“Sawyer…no crying. No screams. Nothing, you got it?”
“Yes. But you go first.”
“Because you want to see if I’ll waffle.”
She smiled brilliantly. “Yes.”
Ethan reached over to one of the bales of hay, picked up and handed her an iron brand. I couldn’t see what type of brand it was, but I was certain.
She moved away from him, brand in hand and walked over to a small, coal fire graying with ash in an old steel drum. Sawyer placed it in until it was red, glowing and readied.
Ethan lowered his head, said nothing and waited patiently for her.
She approached him from behind and pressed the iron into the flesh of his right shoulder.
If he was in pain, Ethan never even winced. He stood stoically; charging the pain to cease and reinvent itself as sexual tension.
Never before had I witnessed such a terse look in a mans eyes before…

Ethan grabbed the iron from her hand and, through gritted teeth instructed Sawyer to lie down and afford him access.
She complied.

Surprised me a great deal having smelled the burnt flesh emitting from his shoulder that she must have known as well…

“I want you to hurt for me baby girl, as I’ve done the same for you…(she nodded yes) and now I have to ask of you…will you obey? Do you give yourself completely to me, no reservation, no trepidation?”
“You’re my king.”
Ethan kneeled between her legs and branded her with no hesitation.
I cringed. The inside of her thigh was crimson with his family’s crest now etched in.
Sawyer’s eyes welled up with tears but she only allowed them to stream down her cheeks.
He set the iron down carefully in a nearby pail to avoid starting a fire then afforded his full body weight to press down upon the already incapacitated woman.
Ethan wiped the tears from her face.
“I’m not sorry…this has to be completed. We are nothing like the others. I have to get you past your fears…do you submit?”
Sawyer waited for quite some time before answering the man. This obviously was a life altering decision…

In my mind I placed myself in her position.
Would I place my life into a mans hands? In this day and age?
Ethan was correct.
This pair was like no one that I knew.
Medieval if I had to place time to it…

Sawyer whispered her response. “I submit.”
They consummated their union with both veracity and passion.
I didn’t feel comfortable baring witnessing at this point, yet to look away…I just couldn’t.
I merely wanted to observe- copulation in its purest form.
She had capitulated and relinquished their life into his capable hands.

Ethan helped her dress, dressed himself and asked that she wait outside.
Sawyer promptly left, leaving me alone with the muscular man.

His blue eyes searched the open space as he began extinguishing each and every candle.
When he came to the last he turned in my direction and spoke aloud “I’ve loved Sawyer a life time. She was born for me as I her. There exist but one way for soul mates to merge; after a lifetime of denying ourselves it was up to me to bring her home. By branding her I replace life’s scars with the knowledge that she will always belong. Write about us if you will but know this: destiny has been scribed permanently here today. Her back tells the story, my shoulder, her thigh the beginning and our hearts ceasing to beat the end. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen for at least 50 years. May you find the love that we know.”
With that said Ethan, the mysterious man who had mesmerized my attention for what seemed to be hours blew the last flame into closure for the evening and left.

I would have never seen the pair again were it not for the novels that they began writing together.
Page after page I read the inferences to that fateful night.

While others felt deepened sadness upon the news of their death;
I felt elation with the realization that after 40 years they died peacefully in one another’s arms.

I’m grateful having lived a life with his words resonating…
While I didn’t follow their example, I did however enjoy growing up knowing that love of that magnitude not only existed, but persevered.

Their remains were laid to rest abroad, some non descript village where their ancestors had both originated from. It must have been a compromise…
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
Hoping that your week was a wonderful one and that you seize the moment.
Time is short, uncertain and magical- when we open our eyes and see it as we once did.

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Between August and September


Our last dance together; dying in one another’s arms… the realization that on the morrow we’d begin the day sharing the same name and nothing more…
How I wanted you to love me the way that I always knew was deserved
Not forthcoming
in all these years
Time wasted, given to settling for less than comfortable…
The towel never even reached the floor when it was thrown in, the red flag raised then lowered in an uneasy truce.

I’m apologetic for your pain
Not sorry for leaving where I was never wanted
taking the suitcase next to the door full of mistrust and disregard
threw it out in the trash on my way to the vehicle, no need for that type of baggage…not where I’m going…

Headed for somewhere between August and September, a place where home surrounds me and provides comfort
that I had left behind
for your empty promise of a better life
I recall roaming the hallway, leaning on the walls at 2 am wondering how I came to be here, how you could slumber through the mundane suffocation
of what became of us

I glanced at the letter… just one more time before turning onto the highway to be certain that I wasn’t dreaming
It was a letter that began this journey… a letter that brings me home.
One twist of my ring for luck and I’m on my way…

Never thought the pain would take over me this way, all I desired was to let die gracefully what had withered years upon years ago…

Somewhere between August and September I had lost her… I was distracted, blinded by the obvious
She was left undone
the Autumn deceived by omission
Try as I might to extend my truth…it had fallen upon the distance from here to there…

Wearily I drive, slumber eluding; the adrenalin rush propelling my body just one more mile
Incomplete to the core until *I’m found by what I lost*
I’m about to write across the sky to the world…giving into the relentless scenarios that eternally play in my mind.
I’m challenged back into existence
Racing the clock, the cars that seem to idle in front of the line
My God…I’m driving in line
to beget what rightfully is mine.
I smile, a cheese line to scurry through…music blaring, wind blitzing the windows daring me to press the peddle to exhilarate…shoot pass the other fools who waited too long to see today
for what it really is

By now, she’d lie in the tub, crying for what never was, bitter as hell by my estimation
A draw to the bad side of what could’ve been healed
to vengeance that holds no gain…
By November she’d romanticize the memory, cite that once again I managed a wrong when all along I knew that I was correct.
We all live our own truths; mine was immediate and in wait.
My choice simple; decide what I could and couldn’t live with.

Three states away, stopping for fuel only adding to the apprehension, causing me to ache for completion.
The voice on the gps taking my temperature every now and again, much to my annoyance. Wondering what her appearance is?
laughing at the thought, must confess that I will probably always wonder, would I recognize her at the store if I heard the voice? And if I did, would I cringe and let her know that I’ve no intention of ever recalculating…?

I think to call, either ahead of where I’m going or behind, changed my mind and set the phone down.
I want this to last,
Because this is the last time I will ever break away; what I now take, I keep for my own.
The news hit hard;
No one expected this sudden turn of events
But who really knew that this was so far past anything that I had thought would transpire?
All the realization that I held was a someday that hadn’t arrived…disappointed and left me to disbelieve

I lent my head out the car window to take notice of the late night sky, did the stars shine as brightly here?
Rumor had it that they very well did…
A blanket that she must be looking up to praying for my homecoming to be a safe one…
The gift on the passenger seat would lighten her eyes, though I hoped for tears of joy…
The least I could do for running through Hell’s gate with a bucket of spit, her hair up in a pony tail and a brilliant smile to reassure…
Always a fighter, always the shield between the storms and the slights; a constant in laughter and wonder
I felt liberated, nearly to tears that I could return home
Leave the sorrow long behind…
Refuge now hours away, lines blurring as I can no longer hold back the elation…
Nothing here is notable; though I’ve seen that it could be…just wasn’t what held my focus with such intent

I glanced up at the gps lady’s forecast, eta, and pressed on, hoping that she was incorrect…but rain poured, rushed down and shattered my desire to excel blinding me to the right, slow lane…

She’d tell you that we were the luckiest people on the planet, I’d remark that after a tornado producing storm just whooshed by me along with all of the strife, screaming and threats that it felt anything but lucky…

By now she’d know that I wasn’t looking back
My things really were gone
The papers were signed effortlessly…
I sat up, shifted my body. I’d not let the pain consume one more minute of my life…and this was my life right?
Mine.
I had plans, not selfish ones.
I was about to share, open it all and soar above mediocrity
Good is great, but great is fantastic and I demanded it all this time around…in a big way…nothing but the brass ring would do…

Had to laugh to myself by mile marker 509, she mentioned the brass ring twisted and wished upon brought the love of your life to you
She actually stood in a fountain, twirled
I could imagine, it was something that she’d do…absolutely, if just to make me laugh
Checked the mirror.
I appeared exhausted…knew she wouldn’t care
Wouldn’t notice
I had no courage left to me to dial the phone
Wanted to surprise, leave the moment to its own devices…

She’d love this car I thought, her dream automobile
Suddenly I was grateful for the choice I had made several years passed and decided that I’d toss the keys on her dining table…
Let her be the driver of her own destiny for awhile
If only to hear the subsequent squeal of delight
A little girl dancing in the living room; masquerading as a woman, my heart sewn onto her torn rock tee shirt
Couldn’t part with the memory; lose the ability to hold up to her senses just to bring her back…

When I drove down the street and took the turn, my stomach became angry with my last food choice…
No turning back now
Saw her immediately, throwing a football on the front lawn, not surprising that she busted into a sprint from first sight
Bear hugging and crying…always the fiercest
I felt myself wrapping my arms around forever to keep it safe from the outside world…

This was something that I’d died for a thousand times over
My heart broke and repaired as we remained in that moment for such a very long time…

Somewhere between August and September I received the worst news of my life
Devastated
Destroyed
lived years in purgatory because of the loss
To receive the second half of that letter… I can’t begin to express the weight lifted.

By now, she and her friends are drinking heavily, consoling for the pain and sorrow, blaming me
My name now a curse to be spat out

Somewhere between August and September she took my name as her own and brought me more happiness then I had ever dreamed was possible.
I’m not the most hated man in America any longer
She writes my story giggling
Always did think that my struggles were meant for her personal folly
Drives me crazy,
But I love her as well…

At times I wonder why/how we became saturated by misconception, unable to see past the sorrow…
She looked to a lifetime of wait; in constant battle, hoping for the one who would stand where others faded…because in her mind…I had relinquished…
Relinquished her into a spiraling darkness…
To have known me; all that I held, including herself in such a manner, then curiously discarded

Scared and maimed.

Between August and September I found that she had written me into erasure
self preservation that wouldn’t hold up to my memory- except I never was aware of the grasp that I crossed across her heart

We were both so incredibly wrong.
Misinformed, intentionally misguided, and sent out into the world missing a part of ourselves

We had to choose…
Harbor the wrong
Or make it right…

All of the memories flooded, night after night…initially.
She was frightened
I had no other choice but to shield.
We’d travel side by side, though in truth it was older to younger between us, always had been.

I thought about my past, how I had become sullen and lent to submission to avoid conflict.
Where had I run off to?
She was a leader who only followed me.
I was the King who had drowned…
Now that our court had reassembled there would be hell to pay

Not with a bucket of spit…

I suppose what I’d want you to walk away with is this;
Sometimes enough truly is enough
settling for less does mean you’ll receive less…
And unless you believe in taking that one last chance, you may lose the light that would finally guide you home.

Sequence of events.

Never a coincidence.

Worth boils down to self worth.

She didn’t give me that.

I simply had to realize that it couldn’t be taken away through the trials and tribulations.

Somewhere between August and September I went home,
finally.
Not a place, but a frame of mind.

In that frame, you’ll find she and I.
Long lasting, open communication, no time wasted.

Am I sorry that I launched above the familial to land here?

No.

Only wish I had done it sooner.


From my hand to yours,

Sawyer
Saint Andrews

Sunday, September 18, 2011

coelestinus (Celestial blue)


There are just some hurts that simply don’t dissipate; regardless the friends, the support that we place in our lives…
Watching someone lose their love, first undying emotion tears at each of us, having been there…
No hug, no words can wrap around a heart that has shattered into a million pieces, as much as we attempt to be the glue so eagerly sought after…
So this is for you; I know that you’re hurting, wondering why this has happened, who is to blame, why the world has suddenly turned its back on your current dreams; circumstance…
Wanted you to know that I love you with a depth that couldn’t be written, but surely must be restated often. that’s what we do
when one of our own falls onto the ground.
Love to tell you that dusting it off will work, bring you to the morrow in a better light; it isn’t always the case.
I used to pick up the phone, thinking that somehow she’d have the words to make it right.
She didn’t.
As I grew older, I realized that there is no answer, at times no reason.
Still, hearing that voice
Knowing that at least there is one person who held you since your first breath will always love with no condition…helps, even if it’s just a little, enough to remember that we hurt together.
Those hearts always remain as one.

For every door closed
a window swings open
so they say
But maybe I didn’t want to sit by the window…perhaps I just wanted to crawl out and sit on the roof and yell “why?”
We didn’t have cell phones to get the immediate response…
Just stars listening to us going crazy with unanswerable questions’
probably the one time in our lives where the question “What if?”
Lingers
and lingers on

True love returns, when our children are born
as nothing has the ability to compare, we are all consumed by providing our best
until our best turns out to be letting go
relinquishing what we spent a lifetime building

We’re sedated by the changes
altered forever with imagined or very real regret(s)
attempting to run to nowhere, find home where it had been lost to us
The constant redefining of our lives.

Mac A’ Bhaird always said that when you removed your shoes, placed your bare feet on the ground of your ancestors, that home would beckon. I would liken the experience to love. We always return home, whether it’s in another eyes, the hand that leads us back or when we find such commonality that no matter the latitude, we’re there

Time to remove the shoes
remember all of the souls who walked before
who fought their way back from trials/tribulations far more complex then broken dreams

The pain isn’t lessened by the severity
it’s the strength of conviction; the heart that measures the depth

Once in a blue moon true loves comes for us
lightning strikes
thunder rages

but I believe that if you hold the rod up high enough
just maybe,
perhaps
the link can find its way home again

Love you Blue...

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer
Saint Andrews

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Fenton


I couldn’t go home
even if I knew the way back, the map was long aged, the people there didn’t know me…
Still, you waved me across.
I wanted to run
Not look both ways, go with abandon…
I stood helplessly by as you crossed instead, fearless, coming for what you wanted.
Me.
You lie on the pavement, I stood frozen for an endless amount of time.
I watched as they swaddled you in wool blankets, speaking above your battered body
that you were, in all likelihood going to die.
Later I laughed hearing that you were going to brag about the gifts you received in the hospital…
*
Did we come this far to be left behind?
Are you standing in the storm just to relieve the numbness; the dull ache that binds you to the mundane?
*
We ran into the fields
Swaying with natures melodic tune
Attempting to escape nights inevitable capture…
I wanted to know if you’d die a thousand small deaths for the likes of me;
for my love
And you desired to quench your thirst with intoxicating drink
of me
I tanned well beneath the brilliance of your burning gaze;
blushed to crimson when you placed your hand over my tender heart
Still, I couldn’t return home
I had long forgotten where it was
*
I held onto the duality of what had become me
Always split into two
And all I ever wanted to know was why
Why I couldn’t just find normal
Leave being special behind
Always with friends, loved ones
Surrounded by the beam of bubbly attraction
There was a part that had fallen;
Held in reserve
For a better time
*
Even now
On a clear night
The stars illuminating the deep, dark blanket of the night sky
I think about you glancing upwards
Explaining what was what
Just to make me feel stupid
You could be mean
But if only to ruin my concentration to best me later…
I fell for it every time
My temper never was one to poke a stick at
Sure made you laugh a lot though….
No matter the day, no matter the night
You never let me pull away
I think you inherently understood that I belonged everywhere with you; lost to the rest of the world
*
I miss the crisp feeling of fields left unplowed
The pounding of our hearts from the pressure of a saunas extreme heat…
You broke
I broke
We fell apart because intensity burns,
Radiates and causes jealousy and confusion
We were far too close to the sun for others not to snatch us and throw us to their will
It was not
For
Well
*
Still, I wanted to feel home.
Its not a door with a mat.
If there was a key, I had traveled the world wide to find it
Left no stone unturned
Cried until there were no tears left
The ache that had given me life evolved into darkened sorrow.
By then,
I couldn’t return.
Who would recognize me now?
*
I think that we all want to be known; felt to the core of our souls
Heard
Even if by silent gesture
He was my guide
My king
My home
And I was left undefined
With no refuge
Until he chose to speak
“Built a castle;
A home and a missed by the mark type of life….since you left.”
*
The question on everyone’s mind was if we’d break free
Run for the fields; serve grace in Fenton
Flip the bird at anyone’s requests…
Die as we should’ve
After a life long lived the way our hearts had roared to us while the eagles sang their slow, sorrowful song…
Or
Live the duality of natures fury
Left never being known again
Merely remembered
In a “laying on the pavement, watching airplanes fly” type of way…
*
Still
The draw
Remains
I glanced back
Smiling, seeing you in a boat with chips, rowing, mocking the gathered
Someone whispered “Do you know him?”
I replied proudly “Yes”
“You’re lucky.”
I kept watching you, giggling.
It was never a question of knowing him, (that was easy)
It was being known by him.
And that was enough to bring me back home.
Finally.
*
The years fell away
As I ran across the airport,
Tripping in boots meant to impress
Managing only to cause you to burst into laughter
Angered me
Things broke
But it wasn’t us
Wasn’t my fault this time
Still
You smirked
“Doesn’t change baby girl”
No, home certainly doesn’t…

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews