Aeterna Eternus

From here, the angels have a better view.

Hate to think that if I sunk any lower I'd require a sign?

A red flag waving in the winds of change?

What I've come to realize is that I cannot be myself.

Me, as it turns out is rejected.

No, not by my my best friends, obviously they get the darkness, the obscurity of the humor that I randomly dole out...

Acceptance, it seems, is a random ideal...

I wanted him to believe in me, because, quite frankly, 'me' is rather a unique brand of special that I've longed for to resinate as normal...

He couldn't know that the truth was always standing front and center.

He went on to attempt to prove me wrong, incorrect to his personal wisdom.

Still, privately, I knew all along that I had what it took to propell us both into the realm where we could both excel...

I miss him.

The way he was before life crept in and took us away from who we were

together.

He destroyed so many pages of manuscript of the story of us, on this day in particular.

This was a day of celebration that turned its lines into an undone mess of a life told.

Still I knew that I was right to find the path that would lead the chapter to reach its natural conclusion.

My mind doesn't work the way he'd like it to

in stating that, I also realize what makes me great is also my greatest demise.

I have lost years, no memory of what plagues me at night...
And so I write.

Living in the world that I create where I can be myself and soar to a latitude where no one can stop me

I wanted to tell him that we'd always be who we were

that being enough

even pacing ourselves walking down a one way street.

He came to rush in where others would've dismissed.

I loved him through all of the doubts, wanting him to see that through others he could trust.

None of it mattered.

He remained that I was one in a million, shining brighter than the daily sun;

saying quite a bit

considering we reside in Texas

where the heat slays those who cannot bear assimilation.

I sat square in the middle

praying for time

praying that the sides would not cave in...

++++++++++++

I wanted to believe.

I did.

But as unique as I am, as I live my life, she spoke of things that held no virtue to me, my world and what I held as truth.

I loved her heart, her mind.

Let's face it- the woman can and does pull off feats that no one I know is able to do.

I wanted proof however.

I am a man of many, many talents, and while I do see that creative minds flow differently than the ordinary

how is it that I should love a woman who seemingly speak un truths as though passing the gravy?

I believe in happy endings, though for myself I haven't known any...

she was always tangled up in this that and the other

I destroyed a friendship based on what I viewed as tangible.

I wanted the stories to hold truth, verification however was nearly impossible.

What I didn't realize was her life long friends knew all along.

They had been there.

Witnessed what I needed.

I watched as she fell, bent over sobbing in the greatest of sorrow, for while her heart is an endless catch all

it also breaks so much more severely than a woman that I'd see myself loving.

I desired to be that safe place where she could land, still couldn't wrap my brain around how her life unfolded so incredibly odd...

I blamed her.

Most people that I meet are transitional.

Period.

I harmed her. Didn't realize that she held belief in such high esteem, but than again there was alot I had no idea about.

When love did finally find her, she really took to it in a remarkable way, leaving any thoughts of she and I far behind her...

I can't say that I felt disappointment, we were never meant for more...

She did pull away under the threat that I'd simply forgo the dream

harm her worse

worse, something that she apparently held familiarity with.

+++++++++

He did whatever it took to win.

Played, initially games on the off chance that I might be the one.

While I understood, I wanted no part of it. I was driven. I knew all along what I wanted, subsequently receiving it.

Quite frankly what I desired was much older, more weathered by the life that had bore its scars on my phyche...

While I wasn't exactly certain why I should take survival on at this point as a viable avenue when no one seemingly cared

no, gave a real shit about

pardon the language

at times the ledge beckons

even when it shouldn't

I would've hoped that he'd pull me back...

he did.

Still I ask: how do I ask for help that seemingly isn't coming?

+++++++++

She runs

runs even when in the grip of exhaustion

I attempt to remind her of the dream we share

But it's not my place.

I question the man in her life. Where is he in all of this?

Why does he continually falter, or does he?

Not quite certain as to how I'd do things differently if given the opportunity...

second chances aren't really my biggest asset.

I have a full life, not wanting to jeopardize that simply because she is flailing beneath the pressure...

Yet I wanted to be the friend that she required.

Defiantly I cried foul, if not to make the justification easier...

Certainly she was not empty with no recourse

+++++++++
Here I go...

That is what I said

shed the very last tear over what had transpired- not between he and I mind you, although he had hurt me as well.

One component remained.

The dream.

The truth is a two sided coin.

What we choose to believe

and what is

reality

Reality is however a choice that we make by self choice or in my case self preservation...

+++++++++

I sat next to her, her love.

Saw myself in him, but he was so much more...loved her with the intensity that she required, loved her with the depth which served me with great comprehension of her particular needs.

He believed.

She needed that.

And as I sat there, deeply in love with another, I realized what she had been saying all along.

"Friendship is unconditional" as weird as she is, she loves me as is.

And I love her.

++++++

He made this life possible. He gave to me, finally what I had been asking for.

Love that led to no apologies.

Amazing.

And, about time...

Involved in a futile argument that seems to have become epic by its own standards, I want you all to know that it's not worth it. People around you base their disposition in regard to your person on your reaction.

I fought for awhile, but it took its toll. Really it's about who you are, and for me, I place people in my life that are worthy of my time, unconditional love and trust.

On another note, Valarie my bff, lol, has received her dream. I pray that it is all that she wants it to be and most deserved goes to her and her sons- kudos to you all!

Also to DLS, I want you to know that you're rare.

People like you come once in a lifetime, something that I recognize and adore...

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer Saint Andrews