MCDANIELS

Hi! Haven't written in awhile on here so here goes...
This is Declan McDaniels (an introduction)

I'm not what you'd consider a man who'd necessarily write on Sawyers blog.
However with a bit of prodding, or in truth quite a bit, as she tends to be tenacious...

Sawyer is younger than myself. There was a time when I felt that that would tender an issue for us, but it has been a blessing in disguise.

At least in my mind. Her children are quite wonderful, but the family required guidence. I was entirely happy to offer them this.
I believe that she needed this during the the novel writing phase.

Though I'm no' easy man to contend with, Sawyer does her best to reserve judgement.
She can be graceful when she chooses.
She's the promise of the collection, so I am more than pleased with the return on our relationship.
I brought her to Paris however to alleviate any tension resinating between her and Ethan.

I tell you truthfully that man has been relentless in his pursuit.
He doubted my resiliance to the advances.
If I am anything it is genuine.
I refuse to release what I have found, and believe you me, when redemption came to me in the form of her person
I took hold mightily.

Jack inquired as to why I'd relinquish my cavalier ways, as did several of my collegues...
What is left to be said?
When you pray for the woman, and she arrives, it is a completion. Period.

Paris is beautiful this time of year.
I was able to place my past in the past, as was she, although I have to say hers is a considerable more colorful than mine...

I ran across some older writings of hers, I was genuinely surprised when my name appeared so early on, and a list of my attributes,
I'm afraid that she had me remarkably spot on.

I'm a man of considerable means, though I'd prefer not to be remembered as such. What I'd like to be remembered for is the love that I held for my three children and my enduring love for Sawyer.
I was failing when I met her.

I had a blockage in the artery running through my left leg. I would've died if she hadn't forced me to go to Jack and have the required surgery.
She handcuffed me to the bed until his arrival.
That is the Saint though, yes?

We were never meant for do or die. We were meant for such a higher cause.
She fought me over my stance at first.
Didn't love me. Hell, she didn't even like me.
Said that my reputation troubled her.
It needn't have.

Reputations, our pasts, are just that. Past.
It's what you've accomplished and what you stand for in the present.
Someone remarked to her, prior ro meeting/finding me that this was a 'pipe dream'
I felt her heart break when she recounted that ridiculous conversation.
Who is anyone to judge anothers dreams?

Had I not prayed for her, would she be here now?

I believe in the sanctity of our union.
It's who I am.
I have no need for nay sayers, or men who would propose that they are even half the man that I am. (Ethan for one)

He spoke to her, told her that he held all of my qualities to his vest, mind you.
She understood that in doing so, he does not live in such a manner.
It has never been easy being Declan McDaniels.
When power encompasses your life you must steer steadily, there is no room for variances.

Sawyer asked me, on the day of our marriage, if she could die in my arms.
That is precisely the moment when I understood the depth of her conviction.
I cannot express to you what it feels to have that knowledge within your heart nightly when you lye there
Where you once had to drink yourself into slumber
you now fall gracefully

She rarely sleeps through the night
the scars, the memories plague her.
I hold her, I assure.
I could offer her no less.
I am her husband.

I pondered over what I should write on here. I mean to say who would desire to know of me beyond my immediate circle of friends?
Yet I do so, because Sawyer felt that it was important for her readers to know that I am indeed a real person.
Her manager thought that I was an arrogant s.o.b.
Well, he'd consider me as such when I fired him. There is only room for one man in her life and no other.

Well, I haven't much else to remark on, so I leave you with this:
Don't hedge your bets, play the waiting game.
Life is for living, not as a bystander.
She is the gift of life, and I embrace her.

Declan McDaniels

I did have a list. A fairly long one in fact. I was critisized for it a great deal.
I never wavered.
Why should I?
There can only be one, and he'd not faulter either.
He'd stand, and stand he did.
(with great relief)
Yes he wears a kilt, though mostly suits. And yes he is older than myself, but that works itself out quite well.
Don't ever entertain the thought that you shouldn't pursue your dreams when others would not.
It's never a failure if you attempt.

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

The Stay Man

His insecurities held him back.

The necessity of withdrawing from public attention seemed of the utmost importance now.

What else could he do?

To emerge within such public scrutiny had been deemed entirely inappropriate by his long standing friends and peers.

Yet the compulsion to do just that glared back at him from the mornings glance in the mirror.

He'd surely lose her if he did not extend.

But to extend meant to harness what he, simply put, could not.

Opinion had been swayed, ideas formed.

Nothing to do but stare at the phone and hope for the best.

Perhaps she'd return his call.

Possibly she held the same reservations and she too felt lost in the whirl wind of speculation.

He wasn't certain.

He simply wanted it to end.

The waiting was causing stasis to settle in, rather than what he had thought would- chaos.

Instead, his mind had faultered.

He dove into the pool, swimming laps at first, than slowing to a quiet underwater frog-like motion.

He didn't hear the mobile phone beckoning his attention while submerged, and when finally reaching the surface, he couldn't possibly dry his hands rapidly enough to answer, though he made the effort.

He didn't have to read the numbers, couldn't have even if he had tried, no glasses presently donned.

He dialed her number, fearful that she'd not respond.

The endless ringing burned his ear, but still, he did so wait.

It's all that he could do.

On the last go, she uttered "hello" his heart passed on its natural rythm causing him to have to suddenly catch his breath.

"Hi"

"How are you?"

"I'm alone"

"I am as well. I'm not sure what to say here"

"Neither am I. All that I know is that this isn't a home without you baby"

"Everyone knows"

"I know. I'm sorry, I didn't mean for things to become so far out of control"

"Well they are. I don't know what to do about this...why...how could let this happen? You said, well hell, you promised that you'd protect me from the outside world"

"I realize that. I'm the first to admit that it didn't work out the way that we had planned. I never wanted this for you, you have to know that"

"I can't even leave my home"

"You could. You could come to me."

"But that would mean..."

"I'm well aware of the consequences of this action, but to remain like this, well I can't exactly walk away from you at this point."

"If I come to you, it's as your wife. I didn't want to marry, I really felt like we should wait- should've been able to wait, but now with this happenning-"

"Understood. Let me send a car for you as soon as I dry off."

"Are you in the pool honey?"

"Yes, why?"

"I'm already here. I just needed to know if you were serious about marrying me"

"Who else did you think that I'd marry baby?"

She laughed "I don't know"

"Are you coming in?"

"Turn around"

He turned around to see her standing behind him, on the edge of the indoor pool.

"You look beautiful to me"

"Thank you"

"I've missed you terribly"

"Better have"

"Come"

She dove in and swam up into his yeilding arms. He held onto her feircely, never desiring to release her to the outside world again.

"I'm sorry baby girl, for everything"

"Thank you for that, but pearls would be nice"

"Done"

"You're my best friend, you know that don't you?"

"You're mine, so it works out well"

"We're in this forever"

"Yes we certainly are"

"Any regrets?"

"No, you?"

"Never a one."


Well that is just a thought before I fall into slumber for the night.
Have a blessed week,

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

Dive

Just a thought

You shouldn't have gone there;

should't have done that

I wasn't there to halt your actions, nor was I able to remain in your memory long enough to intervene in the thought process that seemingly took over your sensibilities...

It's such a shame

really

Because like you,

I knew the instant it happened.

I deperately attempted to look away, into the other direction

as you slammed into yet another wall.

Living day to day, no course set, will do that to you

I would suppose

We tug and war over the intangible

because no one is quite certain

we've all been harmed

in one way or another

though some continue to further this pursuit

it's not I

who would

They say that we are mirror images of one another

forces of nature bound by the laws of the internal

though one regards

as the other

disregards

I've been here before

It's not home

It's far from it

If you aren't the real thing

Then you really aren't good enough

there is no necessity in settling

no affection worthy of taking three steps backward

you either comprehend where true beauty radiates (from)

or you drown in the shallow

I dive into the depths

I stopped giving a damn...such a long time ago

I knew long before the others

that the strength that I possess meant that I could

even when you weren't near

I could still stand true to the melodic rythm that my heart pounded to

You shouldn't have gone

you should be here...

not one word would have halted me from running to you

to catch you

as you fell

There comes a time when you set it all aside

take a deep breath

and dive...

You just shouldn't have gone

waking up on that side

knowing that I would surely would wake

realizing...

That I too

am gone

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

To make you feel my love

Well it's been a crazy week, lots of rain and working! Happy to do it though.
Well, I've been working on a new project, it's going well, a little slower in pace however.
Guess I'm going to have to step up the pace...
Here's a little taste:

He looked over at his love, wearily.
He didn't want to face rejection on this particular day. He had thought long and hard about what he'd say, how he'd say it...
"What's wrong?"
He sulked "Nothing"
"It's written all over your face, just tell me"
"I need to take a walk, I love this cafe as much as you, but I really need some space"
"Are you angry with me?"
"No, why would you even think so?"
"Your demeanor is a little...well off"
"Just walk beside me baby"
"Sure, where are we going?"
"Why do you always need to know?"
"OKay I don't. Happy?"
"No, I wish you'd trust me with entirety"
"Where is this coming from? You know that I do, I was just asking"
"Well I'm not telling you, now come on beautiful"
The pair walked along the cobblestone. Paris was so incredibly breathtaking this time of year...
The nearby river was still swollen from the recent rains, the trees had begun releasing their leaves recklessly into the wind. She was delighted to be showered by them.
He took notice, hell he took notice of everything that she reacted to...
finally he reached the place where he had intended, the steps of the local Cathedral.
She stood there, stoicly, wondering why
"Are we going to church?"
"Nope"
"Going to tell me?"
"Nope"
She rolled her eyes...
"Okay then what's next?"
"We go in, leave your shoes on"
"Why?"
"Because that's what normal people do baby"
"Oh that."
He laughed, "Yeah, that"
They entered the dimly lit church, she immediately took great notice of all the candles smouldering, the flowers hanging seductively from every arch of each beam...
"What's all of this?"
"Come and find out"
He solemnly took hold of her tiny hand and led her up the altar where a lone cd player lye in wait. He bent down and pressed the botton marked 'play' and patiently waited for the song to begin its melodic journey.
"To make you feel my love" soared through the Cathedral...
Her eyes welled up with tears.
He knelt down on his right knee...
"You know how much I love you don't you?" his eyes searched hers for a reflected truth
"Yes"
"And you love me"
"I do, very much so"
"Will you give your life to me baby? There's nothing that I want more, or who anyone that I will ever want more than you...I found life when I began looking into your eyes."
"Are you asking-"
"I'm asking you if you'll become my wife"
"Yes"
He reached into his suit pocket and promptly produced a beautiful solitare diamond, and in taking her hand into his, nervously placed it on her finger.
"I don't want to wait. He's here"
"Who is here?"
"The priest. Father Sullivan"
"You mean...?"
"I do indeed. It's time for us to began living as one. He is to make this official, if you'll afford me this indulgence"
"I will"
(an hour later)
He raced out, with new wife in tow, happier than he'd ever been in his entire life.
He paused when they reached the penthouse door frame
"It all begins here for us...do you realize that?"
"Do I have to wear my shoes?"
He laughed, with sudden menacing pleasure in his voice
"Not where we're going baby girl"

Hope you enjoyed.
Have a breathtaking week!
From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

The Santonniere

Hello. It's been quite the busy week, filled with Holiday and joy, hoping that yours was filled with very much the same...

From the Santonniere:

They had been previously introduced on another occasion. What struck him the most was her ability to see directly to the quick

She was not his type, if he indeed had any...
Still, his thoughts raced back time and time again to ones of her...

He immediately noticed her from across the room, laughing at a rather impossible joke...
She had an uncanny ability to draw others into her banter
this was evident by the men surrounding her person, all intent on etching a word or two in the conversation

Nearly a mountain climb were she involved

She turned to see him, leaning on the bar stool.
Private party or no, he clung to his old ways with a decisive manner, unwilling to alter his actions on this night or any other

Her verbose actions ceased as she began to stare in his direction
awkwardly causing anyone within visual contact to, in turn, glare at him as well.
She gently bent down
removed her black high heels
and began to walk in his direction, stopping just short of his person.

With no remark she tenderly lay her shoes at his feet.
She grinned wickedly and proceeded to walk away from him, navigating the agitated and curious crowd to reach the patio door.

She stood, patiently waiting for a male to aknowledge her pressence and open the glass door for her.
She gingerly stepped outside, manuevered herself to the very edge of the shallow end of the inground pool.
There she stood...
Anticipating that he would follow...

And so he did.
He gathered one last sip of his whiskey
set the heavy, thick glass down and promptly forced his way through the bewildered guests,
casting them aside easily, as he was known to do.

The beautiful slender women took notice, feeling rather put off that he'd even bother to entertain such folly
with a woman who was clearly not a beautiful counterpart

Her uniqueness
troubled them so
Who was she to capture his attention?

He opened the door to the outdoor patio
walked directly over to the deep end and stood
he felt the weight of their stares
through the grand windows exposing the massive pool and stone floors...

He cared nothing for their opinion
why should he?
He had had enough of their mediocre 'fast lane' lives
it bored him to tears of frustration
He removed his shoes, socks, all the while looking over to her amber eyes
soft and yielding she inherently knew his soul without question
His suit jacket, crisp white shirt, belt and trousers all feel to the wayside.

He paused momentarily as if to silently request that her armani dress finds its way to the stone beneath her tiny feet
She reached behind; un zipped, glad to be rid of the tight, pretentious wardrobe that she had only worn because it was hanging on the hanger closest to the closet door.
She stood proudly in her satin black slip
the satin caressed her curves

He surely to took notice of the liberation
in only black boxers he dove into the deep, warm water and swam beneath the water without breath taken until he reached the shallow end

He stood, running his hands through his wet hair
held his hands out stretched for her to join him
she allowed herself to limberly fall into his waiting embrace
the slip, now soaked with the rushing water clung to her
she placed her hands into both of his and raised them over her head,
her blonde hair cascading down her arched back

"Hello"
"I'm surprised that you lost the suit"
"Mmm baby girl it's just a suit"
"Well you look as good this way, just now"
"Is that a fact?"
"It is"
"You look simply beautiful...what game are we playing my love?"
"No game. It's just hot out"
"Ah, is that all this is?"
He forcefully pushed their hands down, disengaged and wrapped his massive arms around her tiny waist "Swim with me"
Not really able to resist his strength of will she allowed him to carry her throughout the pool, all the while locking her into the heavy glare of his eyes...
"Perhaps you should come home with me..."
she laughed
"This is your home"
"Well..."
"You are underappreciated. Unloved because no one has ever seen your truth"
"Oh I'm loved, just not by you...yet"
"Think I will? Love you?"
"In time, yes, yes you will"
"And why should I do that?"
"Because you know me"
"We've only met twice"
"Mmm this is true, but look where that has brought us thus far"
"You're hard to resist, I'll grant you that"
"You haven't asked my name"
"No I haven't"
"Why is that?"
"It doesn't really matter"
"Why?"
"Because I can see who you are when I look into your eyes, feel your heart when you touch me"
"You're adorable"
"Ugh, like a puppy, how simply unflattering"
He laughed openly
"Definitely not like a lil puppy. More like a beautiful wild flower that has gone unnoticed...til now"
"Does that line actually work on women?"
"I don't know, is it working?"
"No"
"Hmmm, let me try again then. You placed your shoes down at my feet to offer compliance when you'd not offer it to anyone else correct?"
"Correct"
"You waited for me, out here to see if I'd match your desire to be overwhelmed, yes?"
"Yes"
"Well I'm here, you're in my arms, I'd say that its working plenty well enough so far"
"So far isn't for me. I'm deserving of so very much more"
"What do you want?"
"Everything. I want to understand everything that is you"
"Why?"
"You intrigue me"
"Ditto. So where do we go from here honey?"
"I would imagine that you should kiss me just now"
"Is that what you want?"
"To feel your lips pressed against mine? Yes, very much so"

He leaned down and placed his mouth to hers, affording the want to fully realize its fruition.
Rather than cease after several minutes, he continued...not truly ever wanting the moment to end.
He swirled their bodies to the silent melody of the passionate embrace, allowing the warm waters to intensify the sensation...
"Come into me honey"
"We couldn't get much closer"
"We could...if you allowed it...."

Well thats it for this week!
Enjoy your time

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

Back around...

So very much left unspoken between you and I

So much left undone

We lost ourselves long ago, to the past; the last go around

We ended much to soon

for you

for me

I cried when you left...you know?

You were a dream left unfulfilled- it's not something a man readily admits to himself

or others

my voice remains silent

perhaps it's better that way

for you



Even today as I wake, shower, looking into the mirror seeing a mere shell of the man that I once was

'vibrant' they'd remark

fools to not comprend the loss

of you



As I glance around my world today

many friends, a multitude of blessings surrounding my person-

all set forth to inspire me along the way...

this path of mine that I scripted, penned

all those years ago...



My brother brought me home

to heal a bit,

I'd suppose

The unconditional love of a family to remind me of the importance of living a life worthy

and for a time

I felt happy



But to open the door

turn the latch

knowing that you are simply not going to be there to rush into my arms

sinks my spirits



I just knew that we were going to work...I knew this. My heart proclaimed it so very loudly

I hadn't the patience to wait until the day that I'd make you mine completely

The day came and went

a date that should've held so much comfort, bliss

now is an anniversary of the forgotten



I spend the days wandering from place to place

seeing your face, your beautiful smile in the passing strangers

I shouldn't feel bitterness towards the lovers walking by hand in hand

yet I cannot yield to the joy



We had always returned home to be with one another...

This was something that I knew to be concrete

solid

broke apart by your words of goodbye

3 degrees of seperation brought us to dance

within the same circles

you captivated my essence from the very beginning



I gave you my world

only to see you leave it

once the better shone its light on you

his name resinates...you certainly repeated it enough

burned itself across the darkness of the room and onto my heart



There was a decisive moment...I have to painfully admit that I hadn't the insight to see it

although it matters not

I will sleep alone

memories only to keep me warm on this night

I write to shield myself from the sorrow engulfing me

it seemingly wraps its illusions around the tenderness of the once toughened soul that I used to possess

I despise what I've become;

the grand pretender, the liar

acting as though everything is right with the world...when it's perfectly wrong

Oh I've let you go... a million times in my mind

proclaiming that to my heart is quite another thing though...

I sleep for dreams, for relief...even if it's momentary

it's all that I have

Pitched your letters, your photos into the fire

thought burning the reminders would set me free

Its amusing really... the flames crackled, laughing in the face of a man torn between making one last appeal

or survive the pride that I desperately cling to

Out of necessity I left for a time

gaining no real perspective of steadying my stance

I've no focus

no turn to take

left behind as you propell forward

effortlessly...

so effortlessly.

You say that you're sorry, so very sorry, for becoming this new person standing before me now

how do I ever reconcile the fact that I brought you to this point of recognition?

Instead of speaking with me, you turned to him

I suppose he listened, well at least more than I

to what you felt was important

I am to wish you well, when all I truly feel is dissipointment in the changes

that we should've gone through together...

Yours was a precious heart stolen from my hands

I have to believe that you'll be back around

someday

perhaps...

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer
Saint Andrews

Dark promises

Hello!
This week I posted 2 blogs, the first is beneath this one.
I wrote them seperately as to not confuse the subject matter.
This one is a fair bit dark, but it's a true, and well worth repeating. I felt as though I'd share it to remind us all that we need to live our lives with integrity, with truth and within the light.
If you ever feel the need to leave this life, seek help. Don't romanticize death or follow anothers ideals, regardless of how stellar the plan seems at the time...

You probably wouldn't recall
remember him all that well
he was of the quiet sort actually
I met him in the basement of a long forgotten place
darkened, dampened by time
natures fury
he noticed the sadness in my eyes
the vacancy in his dark brown eyes drew me in with immediacy
he held his hands out to grasp mine
we clung to each other for months on end
discreetly unified in our mutual dark secret

Until one particular spring morning when he softly inquired as to whether or not
I should want to enter into death along side
not desiring to be alone
readily I agreed
we planned it out,
every sorted detail

He breeched the darkness of the shadows
once
to approach me in the light
taking me aggressively into his arms, kissing me lovingly
mightily
I didn't want it to ever end
I would suspect that he felt the very same way

The day came
I was to meet him in the afternoon
I held no fear
not especially
A phone call caused the lateness on my part
the missed opportunity

He couldn't wait
the bargain having failed him
yet one more significant dissipointment in his young life
he methodically placed the hardened noose around his neck
self tightening its grip
he kicked the ladder, utilizing all of the pent up frustration
all of the regret swallowed
from beneath him
and welcomed deaths release

It wasn't quick
or painless
he suffered falling into death as he had suffered in life

His mother discovered his lifeless body
swaying
part of her died alongside of him that day
her beloved son now ripped, torn from her heart
perhaps that is when I found release from the dark promise set forth

Years would pass before I'd see his face again
we were gathered in a pub when someone remarked at the appearence of a youth staring thru the window panes
I turned to see the familiar face
the hollow, vacant eyes
looking back into mine
I held my hand up to the glass
as he did the same
for a moment
until the glass shattered
disrupting the last connection that we'd ever know...

He came to let me go
rid me of the guilt that I myself could not
with each spring passing I think of what might have been
mindful of what had become of this life

If only he had held on to lifes promise
I haven't been late since
knowing the ramification of what minutes passed could mean

You probably wouldn't recall
or remember

-------------------------

She died in my arms tonight; held securely in the embrace of eternal love
Barely could I even glance down unimpended to study the beauty of her face...not with the tears of sorrow blinding my field of vision.
I felt proud to provide this moment for her;
it was the dream that she held since childhood
When she'd pretend slumber so her father would carry
would hold
I've been her father (figure) not for as long as I'd like, but there are no complaints here. I provided the love that had alluded.
She willingly, eagerly, welcomed me into her life...
What a remarkable life it was! She had lived, truly.
I guided, I taught her to not only hear, but to listen.
To not only love, but to recieve love.
In this, she excelled...
We embarked on our short life together with the honesty of a first love, with the intensity you'd expect from lovers denied
we never afforded time to discourage
or to waylay one single minute
Though older than she, I led with bravado. If this were all that I'd ever know of her, then embrace the essence of her heart with all that is I, I more than fought for.

Her bodies stillness bleeds through my hands as a siv yields to its poured ingredients
make no mistake; my hands hold no dream lost

Should you remark that I realize foolishness in this endevour
than a fool I surely am
Yet I followed the path where it led, grateful for having done so
She filled my life with such joy, brought me back to life- even now as she lye passed in my arms going into the life next
I am to bury her in the gardens
The very Gardens where I made her my wife
She died belonging. Isn't that, in the end what we all strive for?
Dream of?
She was my dream come true...
As I walk through the gardens, still though I miss her, I hold onto no regrets...

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews