coelestinus (Celestial blue)

There are just some hurts that simply don’t dissipate; regardless the friends, the support that we place in our lives…
Watching someone lose their love, first undying emotion tears at each of us, having been there…
No hug, no words can wrap around a heart that has shattered into a million pieces, as much as we attempt to be the glue so eagerly sought after…
So this is for you; I know that you’re hurting, wondering why this has happened, who is to blame, why the world has suddenly turned its back on your current dreams; circumstance…
Wanted you to know that I love you with a depth that couldn’t be written, but surely must be restated often. that’s what we do
when one of our own falls onto the ground.
Love to tell you that dusting it off will work, bring you to the morrow in a better light; it isn’t always the case.
I used to pick up the phone, thinking that somehow she’d have the words to make it right.
She didn’t.
As I grew older, I realized that there is no answer, at times no reason.
Still, hearing that voice
Knowing that at least there is one person who held you since your first breath will always love with no condition…helps, even if it’s just a little, enough to remember that we hurt together.
Those hearts always remain as one.

For every door closed
a window swings open
so they say
But maybe I didn’t want to sit by the window…perhaps I just wanted to crawl out and sit on the roof and yell “why?”
We didn’t have cell phones to get the immediate response…
Just stars listening to us going crazy with unanswerable questions’
probably the one time in our lives where the question “What if?”
Lingers
and lingers on

True love returns, when our children are born
as nothing has the ability to compare, we are all consumed by providing our best
until our best turns out to be letting go
relinquishing what we spent a lifetime building

We’re sedated by the changes
altered forever with imagined or very real regret(s)
attempting to run to nowhere, find home where it had been lost to us
The constant redefining of our lives.

Mac A’ Bhaird always said that when you removed your shoes, placed your bare feet on the ground of your ancestors, that home would beckon. I would liken the experience to love. We always return home, whether it’s in another eyes, the hand that leads us back or when we find such commonality that no matter the latitude, we’re there

Time to remove the shoes
remember all of the souls who walked before
who fought their way back from trials/tribulations far more complex then broken dreams

The pain isn’t lessened by the severity
it’s the strength of conviction; the heart that measures the depth

Once in a blue moon true loves comes for us
lightning strikes
thunder rages

but I believe that if you hold the rod up high enough
just maybe,
perhaps
the link can find its way home again

Love you Blue...

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer
Saint Andrews

Fenton

I couldn’t go home
even if I knew the way back, the map was long aged, the people there didn’t know me…
Still, you waved me across.
I wanted to run
Not look both ways, go with abandon…
I stood helplessly by as you crossed instead, fearless, coming for what you wanted.
Me.
You lie on the pavement, I stood frozen for an endless amount of time.
I watched as they swaddled you in wool blankets, speaking above your battered body
that you were, in all likelihood going to die.
Later I laughed hearing that you were going to brag about the gifts you received in the hospital…
*
Did we come this far to be left behind?
Are you standing in the storm just to relieve the numbness; the dull ache that binds you to the mundane?
*
We ran into the fields
Swaying with natures melodic tune
Attempting to escape nights inevitable capture…
I wanted to know if you’d die a thousand small deaths for the likes of me;
for my love
And you desired to quench your thirst with intoxicating drink
of me
I tanned well beneath the brilliance of your burning gaze;
blushed to crimson when you placed your hand over my tender heart
Still, I couldn’t return home
I had long forgotten where it was
*
I held onto the duality of what had become me
Always split into two
And all I ever wanted to know was why
Why I couldn’t just find normal
Leave being special behind
Always with friends, loved ones
Surrounded by the beam of bubbly attraction
There was a part that had fallen;
Held in reserve
For a better time
*
Even now
On a clear night
The stars illuminating the deep, dark blanket of the night sky
I think about you glancing upwards
Explaining what was what
Just to make me feel stupid
You could be mean
But if only to ruin my concentration to best me later…
I fell for it every time
My temper never was one to poke a stick at
Sure made you laugh a lot though….
No matter the day, no matter the night
You never let me pull away
I think you inherently understood that I belonged everywhere with you; lost to the rest of the world
*
I miss the crisp feeling of fields left unplowed
The pounding of our hearts from the pressure of a saunas extreme heat…
You broke
I broke
We fell apart because intensity burns,
Radiates and causes jealousy and confusion
We were far too close to the sun for others not to snatch us and throw us to their will
It was not
For
Well
*
Still, I wanted to feel home.
Its not a door with a mat.
If there was a key, I had traveled the world wide to find it
Left no stone unturned
Cried until there were no tears left
The ache that had given me life evolved into darkened sorrow.
By then,
I couldn’t return.
Who would recognize me now?
*
I think that we all want to be known; felt to the core of our souls
Heard
Even if by silent gesture
He was my guide
My king
My home
And I was left undefined
With no refuge
Until he chose to speak
“Built a castle;
A home and a missed by the mark type of life….since you left.”
*
The question on everyone’s mind was if we’d break free
Run for the fields; serve grace in Fenton
Flip the bird at anyone’s requests…
Die as we should’ve
After a life long lived the way our hearts had roared to us while the eagles sang their slow, sorrowful song…
Or
Live the duality of natures fury
Left never being known again
Merely remembered
In a “laying on the pavement, watching airplanes fly” type of way…
*
Still
The draw
Remains
I glanced back
Smiling, seeing you in a boat with chips, rowing, mocking the gathered
Someone whispered “Do you know him?”
I replied proudly “Yes”
“You’re lucky.”
I kept watching you, giggling.
It was never a question of knowing him, (that was easy)
It was being known by him.
And that was enough to bring me back home.
Finally.
*
The years fell away
As I ran across the airport,
Tripping in boots meant to impress
Managing only to cause you to burst into laughter
Angered me
Things broke
But it wasn’t us
Wasn’t my fault this time
Still
You smirked
“Doesn’t change baby girl”
No, home certainly doesn’t…

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

Remember me well

I remember the feel of you...

Your touch.

It burned my skin, even in the harsh depths of winters barrenness.

Etched into memory

wouldn't let go if I tried.

I went back

once

or twice

I couldn't feel

So I tried again

I finally found you there;

waiting

unilaterally comprehending what no one else held the capacity to

forcing it all to rush back in

flooding

Good to place your feet back into the fury of the oceans turbulence

good to feel

with understanding

You were a stone cold thief

I was a willing partner

nothing was off limits

everything was up to learn

designed to either build character

or destroy

refuge enters in different guises

close our eyes or no'

we'll see

the sound piercing

the senses reeling...

Between the first

and the last

Both remember the recent

the ancient

and pull from the middle of content

Deeply amazed that memories drove me to this

and were recognized.

Brilliant I thought

that one man

one

would read

consume

the volume of work

and know its origin

A flashlight in the dark.

When you write,

pen to hand

hand to heart

heart in thought

you convey

but for those who've lived it

we remain

He emerged from the darkness;

came to live a good, decent life

in mind

some action perhaps nobly misunderstood

Perched high above us all

in the great white north

his eyes twinkle in delight

To have been remembered;

elaborated

inked into immortality

April 16th...

Sinning where the Saints gather

Haven't we become the smoke of a fire long set?

Fact of fiction.

Where the road divided

I took the sense

and ran

simple right?

What I wanted to know

was why?

How?

And then it came to me;

in the arena

as we co exist

we find a way...

serenity

chaos

drama

calm...

whatever it takes

the withdrawl is made

Memories

result

We form

we live

eventually, if we're lucky

we comprehend

we live out fulfilled.

He asked of me

(in a jovial manner) how is it that you thought I, of all people, could forget?

And the relevance returned.

All of this mattered.

Pen to hand

hand to paper

ink to dictation

words into written, shared, memory.

We're each others past,

friends

and the bridge to our present.

As I fall into the last

I'm at peace.

Memories brought me here

both good and bad

I'm me

because you were you.

From the first to the last

remember me well...

This has been a good week. I hope the same occurred for you and yours.

Some days can be utterly futile, but they are, in the end time that is given to us sparingly.

Enjoy and love

hug fiercely

drive with the windows down once in awhile...

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

Darling of chaos

For love and everything after Rome
say the eternal sinner to the captured saint
The sanctuary of quest now fulfilled

He lifted her up into his arms and whispered hoarsely "Marry me...love me for everything that we can and will be together, honor me by taking my name."
Tears of elation escaped her eyes of amber
knowing that she'd leave this life dying in the arms of the one who had unselfishly saved her life
loved her with no condition

He is of the brave
this she knew as truth from the beginning
holding audience enough for one
He asked how he was to know of her?
relequishing not a thing;
fighting the insecurities vested, pressing through the heavy storms that raged
sheilding her from the hurt of the world

In rome he took her to Prevenient Grace,
his darling of chaos...
Dancing in the fountain of wishes
her spirit soared
his strength gave her the promise to see to the morrow

There was no where she could hide from way he made her feel
he'd catch her running in any case
laughing
quite alright to lose the race to a man worthy of the win
but he knew that
he'd been a nomad his life long
curtains drawn
he hung his head in sorrow
begged the midnight air for just
one
more
chance

and she walked in

They exchanged names
after having lost themselves to the raging world outside

Taking her for a truck ride
down an old dirt road
in her pretty lil dress
until she saw
through his eyes
and he
through hers

Be who you are
nothing more

and she smiled brilliantly
to his radiance

This is who I am proclaimed he
she loved him to the core of his soul
summing up the seal that she'd pledge to him
he ringed her finger
pledging a life free from debris

For love and everything after a holiday in Rome
my darling of chaos
to us
to the morrow...

Aeterna Eternus

From here, the angels have a better view.

Hate to think that if I sunk any lower I'd require a sign?

A red flag waving in the winds of change?

What I've come to realize is that I cannot be myself.

Me, as it turns out is rejected.

No, not by my my best friends, obviously they get the darkness, the obscurity of the humor that I randomly dole out...

Acceptance, it seems, is a random ideal...

I wanted him to believe in me, because, quite frankly, 'me' is rather a unique brand of special that I've longed for to resinate as normal...

He couldn't know that the truth was always standing front and center.

He went on to attempt to prove me wrong, incorrect to his personal wisdom.

Still, privately, I knew all along that I had what it took to propell us both into the realm where we could both excel...

I miss him.

The way he was before life crept in and took us away from who we were

together.

He destroyed so many pages of manuscript of the story of us, on this day in particular.

This was a day of celebration that turned its lines into an undone mess of a life told.

Still I knew that I was right to find the path that would lead the chapter to reach its natural conclusion.

My mind doesn't work the way he'd like it to

in stating that, I also realize what makes me great is also my greatest demise.

I have lost years, no memory of what plagues me at night...
And so I write.

Living in the world that I create where I can be myself and soar to a latitude where no one can stop me

I wanted to tell him that we'd always be who we were

that being enough

even pacing ourselves walking down a one way street.

He came to rush in where others would've dismissed.

I loved him through all of the doubts, wanting him to see that through others he could trust.

None of it mattered.

He remained that I was one in a million, shining brighter than the daily sun;

saying quite a bit

considering we reside in Texas

where the heat slays those who cannot bear assimilation.

I sat square in the middle

praying for time

praying that the sides would not cave in...

++++++++++++

I wanted to believe.

I did.

But as unique as I am, as I live my life, she spoke of things that held no virtue to me, my world and what I held as truth.

I loved her heart, her mind.

Let's face it- the woman can and does pull off feats that no one I know is able to do.

I wanted proof however.

I am a man of many, many talents, and while I do see that creative minds flow differently than the ordinary

how is it that I should love a woman who seemingly speak un truths as though passing the gravy?

I believe in happy endings, though for myself I haven't known any...

she was always tangled up in this that and the other

I destroyed a friendship based on what I viewed as tangible.

I wanted the stories to hold truth, verification however was nearly impossible.

What I didn't realize was her life long friends knew all along.

They had been there.

Witnessed what I needed.

I watched as she fell, bent over sobbing in the greatest of sorrow, for while her heart is an endless catch all

it also breaks so much more severely than a woman that I'd see myself loving.

I desired to be that safe place where she could land, still couldn't wrap my brain around how her life unfolded so incredibly odd...

I blamed her.

Most people that I meet are transitional.

Period.

I harmed her. Didn't realize that she held belief in such high esteem, but than again there was alot I had no idea about.

When love did finally find her, she really took to it in a remarkable way, leaving any thoughts of she and I far behind her...

I can't say that I felt disappointment, we were never meant for more...

She did pull away under the threat that I'd simply forgo the dream

harm her worse

worse, something that she apparently held familiarity with.

+++++++++

He did whatever it took to win.

Played, initially games on the off chance that I might be the one.

While I understood, I wanted no part of it. I was driven. I knew all along what I wanted, subsequently receiving it.

Quite frankly what I desired was much older, more weathered by the life that had bore its scars on my phyche...

While I wasn't exactly certain why I should take survival on at this point as a viable avenue when no one seemingly cared

no, gave a real shit about

pardon the language

at times the ledge beckons

even when it shouldn't

I would've hoped that he'd pull me back...

he did.

Still I ask: how do I ask for help that seemingly isn't coming?

+++++++++

She runs

runs even when in the grip of exhaustion

I attempt to remind her of the dream we share

But it's not my place.

I question the man in her life. Where is he in all of this?

Why does he continually falter, or does he?

Not quite certain as to how I'd do things differently if given the opportunity...

second chances aren't really my biggest asset.

I have a full life, not wanting to jeopardize that simply because she is flailing beneath the pressure...

Yet I wanted to be the friend that she required.

Defiantly I cried foul, if not to make the justification easier...

Certainly she was not empty with no recourse

+++++++++
Here I go...

That is what I said

shed the very last tear over what had transpired- not between he and I mind you, although he had hurt me as well.

One component remained.

The dream.

The truth is a two sided coin.

What we choose to believe

and what is

reality

Reality is however a choice that we make by self choice or in my case self preservation...

+++++++++

I sat next to her, her love.

Saw myself in him, but he was so much more...loved her with the intensity that she required, loved her with the depth which served me with great comprehension of her particular needs.

He believed.

She needed that.

And as I sat there, deeply in love with another, I realized what she had been saying all along.

"Friendship is unconditional" as weird as she is, she loves me as is.

And I love her.

++++++

He made this life possible. He gave to me, finally what I had been asking for.

Love that led to no apologies.

Amazing.

And, about time...

Involved in a futile argument that seems to have become epic by its own standards, I want you all to know that it's not worth it. People around you base their disposition in regard to your person on your reaction.

I fought for awhile, but it took its toll. Really it's about who you are, and for me, I place people in my life that are worthy of my time, unconditional love and trust.

On another note, Valarie my bff, lol, has received her dream. I pray that it is all that she wants it to be and most deserved goes to her and her sons- kudos to you all!

Also to DLS, I want you to know that you're rare.

People like you come once in a lifetime, something that I recognize and adore...

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer Saint Andrews

Taking all of my air

I breathed him in from the first kiss, sensual as it was

lingering on my lips ever so long

I wanted to tell him that the tears flooding the wells of my eyes were that of fear;

fear of loving someone so incredibly so

that I would've easily lost myself to the moment

I pulled back

saying nothing at all

drowning in the silence

that hung desperately onto the frustration of knowing no true security;

bearing on the cusp of a new

unbridled relationship

We carried unspoken thoughts on shoulders

of who knew better

for that time

and

moment

no one wanting to lose

walk away feeling cheated by time vested

He wanted to rush to California

try his luck

While I wanted to dive into the coast of the East

where I felt at home...

I chased shadows,

you embraced them

the darkness creeping in daily

Tears became fallen memories

ones that I couldn't resolve if I had wanted to...

You let go so easily

stealing what remained in my heart...

I hit the wall

rocks jarred loose fell on top of me

ironically never knocking any sense in me

simply leaving a mess in its wake

It meant nothing at all

as it turned

to be

It was to be you and I forever

Forever lost as I feel the pit of my stomach clutch my senses yet again

standing here

in this heat, pumping gas

on my way out

out of your life forever

Funny how forever turns on a dime

when the circumstances dissolve into nothingness

cept my wings aren't unfolding with laughter

feeling death

in short increments

and wishing that I could break and just fall apart

cease

Ease through the cracks in the pavement beneath the wheels of the vehicle of life

to disappear

where I can't be seen in this manner

forsaking all other's wishing me well

I want to grab your hand and pull you here with me

Still I drive

hoping that everything that I've learned up until now

will lift me through to the other side

of this void

He calls,

voice weary of the inevitable awkward conversation

of

goodbyes

I only desire an apology that I will never hear

He merely wants an invitation for his return

The words don't reflect

seemingly deflect what we should be saying

Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Life was so much easier when I fell in love with E. John lyricist...

and you had Farrah's poster hanging over your bed

Words.

That's what brought us together from the first....remember?

I finished, you polished all the lyrics to our song...

Where did we go?

When did we draw the lines of war?

You affected my reality

in a way that I could not settle

down

Down is just where I find myself

looking up for any kind of help

but that sort

is empathetic to destruction

I'm right here

praying that you'll turn me around

one more call

and I've promised myself that I'll never answer again...

still

I hope that you will...

Tears fall freely

I could never imagine that you'd let me get this far

away

from you

where's the happy ending that you promised?

Sign my name across your heart plays on

as I walk away, again

over and over in my mind

the right way

utilizing the correct verbiage

Realizing that it no longer matters

not really

But it feels better to replay it

the way it should've been

the phone rings

I miss the call

as he slides the drink in my direction, understanding that I may require a distraction to heal

I can't find slumber without you

fighting the facts

that you aren't going to rush back in

when it's obvious that you should be doing just that

We go on deceiving our new lives

as though we have the right

to

when we're lying to everyone around us

He doesn't care

thinking that I'll be here forever

though

I won't

Make it plain

simple

come back...

He wrote a song

it didn't sparkle

but it did touch

and I did remember...

I rolled over and knew that it was my time to leave...

perhaps meet him half way?

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

I wonder if I got it right far too late...
As if busting down that door and rushing through wasn't bartered with haste
riddled by insurmountable obstacles,
that even I
in my grandiose illusion thought to procure

I spoke to a close friend as the glass fell freely from my hands grasp at the sight of him
Prevenient Grace
staring directly into my eyes

I wondered just what had taken him so long to take flight
find his way to the here
the present

Time was all we had
back in the days of dreams

My heart sank;
fell alongside that shattered glass
cutting my leg as it went into pieces
at my feet

Hold on
I thought as I glanced your way
know what I do
embrace the remembrance

It's all we have

Don't let this all be in vain
pierce the moment with words of scribed devotion
sway
tumble out of your comfort zone

Find your way back
As I have
To the truth that brings us all to recognition;
mirroring an honesty that in its entirety awakens the senses
providing purpose
with the skill of years passed us

Prayers realized retain the ultimate price tag
as we vest
rock them in the cradle of our loving arms
tenderly nursing them into our reality
weary from the raging days in pasts that have left us battle torn and scarred for the worse

I recall thinking that you took long enough
and I openly speculated why
if I should find death early now will your love rest my restlessness
ease the pain
that plagued my life
kept me up
each and every night
wishing
hoping
that tonight
would find me
returning the glance that would change my life forever?

Those minutes
frozen in time
held hours spent
anticipating for you to cross the room
remarking that the glass had broken
and that you knew who I was

Not by name
but by soul's shout
quiet as that seemingly would be
in a crowded room
"Whatever it takes" you whispered in a low, steady murmur

The steady decline of surrounding jovial revelers
left you and I to stand alone
a little set back by circumstance
not exactly certain as to what to do next

Supposing that we didn't anticipate this meeting to happen
after all of the time expired
belief diminishing with trials/tribulations

Yet here we were

He reversed the closed off sign
unfroze his heart
melted
right then and there
took my hand into his
and chose to tug
running from all familiar

If not to feel
one last time
in his extended life's experiences
I offered no protest

No matter to opinion
I ran with latitude
to a new place
to exist
succumb to what stood before me
now

We posed no words
seemed to be of no use anyway
told them all that we had to go

In intoxication,
doubt they cared
or noticed for that matter
until we forgot to return

Truth was we jumped on our own path

Forging what we could
with what we had
and
what we lacked
figured it would all come to us in time

I smiled to myself, grief falling from my eyes
as it did
all of those years ago
at that chance meeting
we had us quite a few years
until you were taken away

Last of my chances
spent
not squandered
at the least I had that

Glancing at your name etched into cold, smooth stone
grateful for the warmth of sharing
that very same surname
I felt blessed
while feeling that some prayers are oh so brief
how unfair
still lucky was I

To recognize it
when it came my way...

I felt loved.
I lived
died with you
forever wasn't long enough
so it seems

Well we'll be together again
someday
I suppose

I set a glass down
on the dirt
walked away
wishing that I could relive the moments
in their entirety
all over again...

Lucky was I
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Nobody asked me;

it was of no requirement...

Substance is what it is, our own agendas drive each individual to the means to an end

with little or no consequence to those surrounding

I fall down

with no one to lift me back up

watching my life pass me by

all frozen in minuscule time droplets

an insomniac awaiting slumber

that simply is not going to show its arrival

Can't remember the last time that I truly laughed aloud in revel

just being me

no judgements

I consume

never tasting

knowing texture

realizing the flavor

but who listens to one's outcry?

Did I disappoint?

disregard?

Wasn't I the one who stood when all else faltered?

You're always correct

chalk full of authority

the knowing

the temple of righteousness

when you have no semblance of the line that has become incredibly blurred

There are no white horses left remaining in the stable

not for me

not this time

I made way

offered passage

but wasn't good enough

too much time passed

Should've known that I couldn't

when I wanted to

Lost in chance

introspective when I should've shouted

spoke up

sound is wasted on the deaf who posses the ability to hear

even with signs abound

no one sees

Can't bridge over water still

Captured by what I dreamt

the dead line screaming it all to a halt

caught between the right and wrong

unable to turn this around

I turned to bear witness

once

You didn't know how to stop the train from barreling down the tracks...

Casual collateral

was I

Don't waste your time

By the time you find me

I'll have already forgotten the dreams once had

I won't recognize

you...

You'll find the one

who knows the song

playing in your head

It's just not me

Not my symphony

You'll remain that man in the pew behind me

circling around

feeling defeated

never realizing that I just may have the answer(s)

3:30 am

I'll see you there

wondering why you don't dance in the rain

find your way back

to the dreams that held us together

The common denominator

that brought us there

in that particular moment...

Wasn't I convincing enough?

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews