Aeterna Eternus

From here, the angels have a better view.

Hate to think that if I sunk any lower I'd require a sign?

A red flag waving in the winds of change?

What I've come to realize is that I cannot be myself.

Me, as it turns out is rejected.

No, not by my my best friends, obviously they get the darkness, the obscurity of the humor that I randomly dole out...

Acceptance, it seems, is a random ideal...

I wanted him to believe in me, because, quite frankly, 'me' is rather a unique brand of special that I've longed for to resinate as normal...

He couldn't know that the truth was always standing front and center.

He went on to attempt to prove me wrong, incorrect to his personal wisdom.

Still, privately, I knew all along that I had what it took to propell us both into the realm where we could both excel...

I miss him.

The way he was before life crept in and took us away from who we were

together.

He destroyed so many pages of manuscript of the story of us, on this day in particular.

This was a day of celebration that turned its lines into an undone mess of a life told.

Still I knew that I was right to find the path that would lead the chapter to reach its natural conclusion.

My mind doesn't work the way he'd like it to

in stating that, I also realize what makes me great is also my greatest demise.

I have lost years, no memory of what plagues me at night...
And so I write.

Living in the world that I create where I can be myself and soar to a latitude where no one can stop me

I wanted to tell him that we'd always be who we were

that being enough

even pacing ourselves walking down a one way street.

He came to rush in where others would've dismissed.

I loved him through all of the doubts, wanting him to see that through others he could trust.

None of it mattered.

He remained that I was one in a million, shining brighter than the daily sun;

saying quite a bit

considering we reside in Texas

where the heat slays those who cannot bear assimilation.

I sat square in the middle

praying for time

praying that the sides would not cave in...

++++++++++++

I wanted to believe.

I did.

But as unique as I am, as I live my life, she spoke of things that held no virtue to me, my world and what I held as truth.

I loved her heart, her mind.

Let's face it- the woman can and does pull off feats that no one I know is able to do.

I wanted proof however.

I am a man of many, many talents, and while I do see that creative minds flow differently than the ordinary

how is it that I should love a woman who seemingly speak un truths as though passing the gravy?

I believe in happy endings, though for myself I haven't known any...

she was always tangled up in this that and the other

I destroyed a friendship based on what I viewed as tangible.

I wanted the stories to hold truth, verification however was nearly impossible.

What I didn't realize was her life long friends knew all along.

They had been there.

Witnessed what I needed.

I watched as she fell, bent over sobbing in the greatest of sorrow, for while her heart is an endless catch all

it also breaks so much more severely than a woman that I'd see myself loving.

I desired to be that safe place where she could land, still couldn't wrap my brain around how her life unfolded so incredibly odd...

I blamed her.

Most people that I meet are transitional.

Period.

I harmed her. Didn't realize that she held belief in such high esteem, but than again there was alot I had no idea about.

When love did finally find her, she really took to it in a remarkable way, leaving any thoughts of she and I far behind her...

I can't say that I felt disappointment, we were never meant for more...

She did pull away under the threat that I'd simply forgo the dream

harm her worse

worse, something that she apparently held familiarity with.

+++++++++

He did whatever it took to win.

Played, initially games on the off chance that I might be the one.

While I understood, I wanted no part of it. I was driven. I knew all along what I wanted, subsequently receiving it.

Quite frankly what I desired was much older, more weathered by the life that had bore its scars on my phyche...

While I wasn't exactly certain why I should take survival on at this point as a viable avenue when no one seemingly cared

no, gave a real shit about

pardon the language

at times the ledge beckons

even when it shouldn't

I would've hoped that he'd pull me back...

he did.

Still I ask: how do I ask for help that seemingly isn't coming?

+++++++++

She runs

runs even when in the grip of exhaustion

I attempt to remind her of the dream we share

But it's not my place.

I question the man in her life. Where is he in all of this?

Why does he continually falter, or does he?

Not quite certain as to how I'd do things differently if given the opportunity...

second chances aren't really my biggest asset.

I have a full life, not wanting to jeopardize that simply because she is flailing beneath the pressure...

Yet I wanted to be the friend that she required.

Defiantly I cried foul, if not to make the justification easier...

Certainly she was not empty with no recourse

+++++++++
Here I go...

That is what I said

shed the very last tear over what had transpired- not between he and I mind you, although he had hurt me as well.

One component remained.

The dream.

The truth is a two sided coin.

What we choose to believe

and what is

reality

Reality is however a choice that we make by self choice or in my case self preservation...

+++++++++

I sat next to her, her love.

Saw myself in him, but he was so much more...loved her with the intensity that she required, loved her with the depth which served me with great comprehension of her particular needs.

He believed.

She needed that.

And as I sat there, deeply in love with another, I realized what she had been saying all along.

"Friendship is unconditional" as weird as she is, she loves me as is.

And I love her.

++++++

He made this life possible. He gave to me, finally what I had been asking for.

Love that led to no apologies.

Amazing.

And, about time...

Involved in a futile argument that seems to have become epic by its own standards, I want you all to know that it's not worth it. People around you base their disposition in regard to your person on your reaction.

I fought for awhile, but it took its toll. Really it's about who you are, and for me, I place people in my life that are worthy of my time, unconditional love and trust.

On another note, Valarie my bff, lol, has received her dream. I pray that it is all that she wants it to be and most deserved goes to her and her sons- kudos to you all!

Also to DLS, I want you to know that you're rare.

People like you come once in a lifetime, something that I recognize and adore...

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer Saint Andrews

Taking all of my air

I breathed him in from the first kiss, sensual as it was

lingering on my lips ever so long

I wanted to tell him that the tears flooding the wells of my eyes were that of fear;

fear of loving someone so incredibly so

that I would've easily lost myself to the moment

I pulled back

saying nothing at all

drowning in the silence

that hung desperately onto the frustration of knowing no true security;

bearing on the cusp of a new

unbridled relationship

We carried unspoken thoughts on shoulders

of who knew better

for that time

and

moment

no one wanting to lose

walk away feeling cheated by time vested

He wanted to rush to California

try his luck

While I wanted to dive into the coast of the East

where I felt at home...

I chased shadows,

you embraced them

the darkness creeping in daily

Tears became fallen memories

ones that I couldn't resolve if I had wanted to...

You let go so easily

stealing what remained in my heart...

I hit the wall

rocks jarred loose fell on top of me

ironically never knocking any sense in me

simply leaving a mess in its wake

It meant nothing at all

as it turned

to be

It was to be you and I forever

Forever lost as I feel the pit of my stomach clutch my senses yet again

standing here

in this heat, pumping gas

on my way out

out of your life forever

Funny how forever turns on a dime

when the circumstances dissolve into nothingness

cept my wings aren't unfolding with laughter

feeling death

in short increments

and wishing that I could break and just fall apart

cease

Ease through the cracks in the pavement beneath the wheels of the vehicle of life

to disappear

where I can't be seen in this manner

forsaking all other's wishing me well

I want to grab your hand and pull you here with me

Still I drive

hoping that everything that I've learned up until now

will lift me through to the other side

of this void

He calls,

voice weary of the inevitable awkward conversation

of

goodbyes

I only desire an apology that I will never hear

He merely wants an invitation for his return

The words don't reflect

seemingly deflect what we should be saying

Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Life was so much easier when I fell in love with E. John lyricist...

and you had Farrah's poster hanging over your bed

Words.

That's what brought us together from the first....remember?

I finished, you polished all the lyrics to our song...

Where did we go?

When did we draw the lines of war?

You affected my reality

in a way that I could not settle

down

Down is just where I find myself

looking up for any kind of help

but that sort

is empathetic to destruction

I'm right here

praying that you'll turn me around

one more call

and I've promised myself that I'll never answer again...

still

I hope that you will...

Tears fall freely

I could never imagine that you'd let me get this far

away

from you

where's the happy ending that you promised?

Sign my name across your heart plays on

as I walk away, again

over and over in my mind

the right way

utilizing the correct verbiage

Realizing that it no longer matters

not really

But it feels better to replay it

the way it should've been

the phone rings

I miss the call

as he slides the drink in my direction, understanding that I may require a distraction to heal

I can't find slumber without you

fighting the facts

that you aren't going to rush back in

when it's obvious that you should be doing just that

We go on deceiving our new lives

as though we have the right

to

when we're lying to everyone around us

He doesn't care

thinking that I'll be here forever

though

I won't

Make it plain

simple

come back...

He wrote a song

it didn't sparkle

but it did touch

and I did remember...

I rolled over and knew that it was my time to leave...

perhaps meet him half way?

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

I wonder if I got it right far too late...
As if busting down that door and rushing through wasn't bartered with haste
riddled by insurmountable obstacles,
that even I
in my grandiose illusion thought to procure

I spoke to a close friend as the glass fell freely from my hands grasp at the sight of him
Prevenient Grace
staring directly into my eyes

I wondered just what had taken him so long to take flight
find his way to the here
the present

Time was all we had
back in the days of dreams

My heart sank;
fell alongside that shattered glass
cutting my leg as it went into pieces
at my feet

Hold on
I thought as I glanced your way
know what I do
embrace the remembrance

It's all we have

Don't let this all be in vain
pierce the moment with words of scribed devotion
sway
tumble out of your comfort zone

Find your way back
As I have
To the truth that brings us all to recognition;
mirroring an honesty that in its entirety awakens the senses
providing purpose
with the skill of years passed us

Prayers realized retain the ultimate price tag
as we vest
rock them in the cradle of our loving arms
tenderly nursing them into our reality
weary from the raging days in pasts that have left us battle torn and scarred for the worse

I recall thinking that you took long enough
and I openly speculated why
if I should find death early now will your love rest my restlessness
ease the pain
that plagued my life
kept me up
each and every night
wishing
hoping
that tonight
would find me
returning the glance that would change my life forever?

Those minutes
frozen in time
held hours spent
anticipating for you to cross the room
remarking that the glass had broken
and that you knew who I was

Not by name
but by soul's shout
quiet as that seemingly would be
in a crowded room
"Whatever it takes" you whispered in a low, steady murmur

The steady decline of surrounding jovial revelers
left you and I to stand alone
a little set back by circumstance
not exactly certain as to what to do next

Supposing that we didn't anticipate this meeting to happen
after all of the time expired
belief diminishing with trials/tribulations

Yet here we were

He reversed the closed off sign
unfroze his heart
melted
right then and there
took my hand into his
and chose to tug
running from all familiar

If not to feel
one last time
in his extended life's experiences
I offered no protest

No matter to opinion
I ran with latitude
to a new place
to exist
succumb to what stood before me
now

We posed no words
seemed to be of no use anyway
told them all that we had to go

In intoxication,
doubt they cared
or noticed for that matter
until we forgot to return

Truth was we jumped on our own path

Forging what we could
with what we had
and
what we lacked
figured it would all come to us in time

I smiled to myself, grief falling from my eyes
as it did
all of those years ago
at that chance meeting
we had us quite a few years
until you were taken away

Last of my chances
spent
not squandered
at the least I had that

Glancing at your name etched into cold, smooth stone
grateful for the warmth of sharing
that very same surname
I felt blessed
while feeling that some prayers are oh so brief
how unfair
still lucky was I

To recognize it
when it came my way...

I felt loved.
I lived
died with you
forever wasn't long enough
so it seems

Well we'll be together again
someday
I suppose

I set a glass down
on the dirt
walked away
wishing that I could relive the moments
in their entirety
all over again...

Lucky was I
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Nobody asked me;

it was of no requirement...

Substance is what it is, our own agendas drive each individual to the means to an end

with little or no consequence to those surrounding

I fall down

with no one to lift me back up

watching my life pass me by

all frozen in minuscule time droplets

an insomniac awaiting slumber

that simply is not going to show its arrival

Can't remember the last time that I truly laughed aloud in revel

just being me

no judgements

I consume

never tasting

knowing texture

realizing the flavor

but who listens to one's outcry?

Did I disappoint?

disregard?

Wasn't I the one who stood when all else faltered?

You're always correct

chalk full of authority

the knowing

the temple of righteousness

when you have no semblance of the line that has become incredibly blurred

There are no white horses left remaining in the stable

not for me

not this time

I made way

offered passage

but wasn't good enough

too much time passed

Should've known that I couldn't

when I wanted to

Lost in chance

introspective when I should've shouted

spoke up

sound is wasted on the deaf who posses the ability to hear

even with signs abound

no one sees

Can't bridge over water still

Captured by what I dreamt

the dead line screaming it all to a halt

caught between the right and wrong

unable to turn this around

I turned to bear witness

once

You didn't know how to stop the train from barreling down the tracks...

Casual collateral

was I

Don't waste your time

By the time you find me

I'll have already forgotten the dreams once had

I won't recognize

you...

You'll find the one

who knows the song

playing in your head

It's just not me

Not my symphony

You'll remain that man in the pew behind me

circling around

feeling defeated

never realizing that I just may have the answer(s)

3:30 am

I'll see you there

wondering why you don't dance in the rain

find your way back

to the dreams that held us together

The common denominator

that brought us there

in that particular moment...

Wasn't I convincing enough?

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

Declan

Derived from the promise of loves truth
cherished with uncompromising depth;
born into a family willing to expand...if not just one more time...
Not an exception;
exceptional from that moment on

Extraordinary friend, capable of bearing faults
shouldering sorrow with ease and compassion

contagious laughter
infectious smile

The gift of knowing when it's time
when it's not...

Defined by vested boundaries, ones that expound the drive
for the better
honesty
virtuous love for life
consistent zest and exhilaration - utilizing a non stasis approach

Why not?
Should it breech the darkness
pressing light into the corners
infusing help
when others would shirk the responsibility of their fellow man

Most feel fear
where he sees challenge

Tasting to savor
never to gorge

Wonder reflects the eyes of sea blue
making the moment of reflection that much sweeter

Harmony when the path is littered with conflict
Refuge from an otherwise emotionally consuming world

Meant to live to touch lives;
offer the latitude of faith

Providence
provides the best descriptive word, if I had to find a singular title

Loyal, relentless friendship, a brother when times get tough
no matter the direction...

Just darlings of chaos; storm busters chasing the elusive dreams of the morrow
stopping to stand only to lend a hand
along the way

He closes the story not yet completely told with eloquence and wit
thoughtful respect

Thank you for being yourself and loving me
as is

-Happi day of remembrance
wishing you the love of the world and all of the good things that it has to offer
Serenity when the cast is blue
Peace when you meet your life's partner

Before the Saint came
Declan loved Theresa
and to that end, anything is possible...

Blessed days to all,

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer
Saint Andrews

"Omnia mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis."

And I should know such cold as to draw in winters breath at a time when summer broaches the horizon

The season of telling existence

Would the world bow weeping at a tale sobering and tangled?

For the years lapsed,

rebuilding offered the only respite

I could be a million miles abandoned and feel the pang of sunlight in absence

Endless days of perseverance in witness to contempt's' breech of truth

Scarred for the passive apologetic(s) who would capture the right in lieu of honest hardship

Facades are arson to justification

Reaction, afterall is symptomatic of origin

Spoil the battle weary and bloodied

Negate glorification of those drowning in veiled squander

Reciprocation of loves endurance is the preventative measure;

ingredient to avoid latter blame

And I should know such a glorious story told

of passion riddled with anguish to better fold in a blind enemy

than vest a friend less respect...

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

Adeo ne hominem immutare ex amor, ut non cognoscas eundem esse

Pennington to Sawyer upon leaving the Heathers...

Excerpt from novel two, in the Pater Nostras Series "93 Kilometers to the Better"

"To the better" Are we? I believe so. You alone brought we two into the Dire providing me with so very much more than I had ever hoped to achieve unilaterally, much of it at incredible personal cost. All I might offer you at this point is my truth: I am your end; that I love you further than even I am presently able to see. What is done now is for the both of us, what is needed.

Be compliant for the time being as I will be the man expected to be.

Is it possible that a man can be so changed by love that you could not recognize him to be the same?

Should I look away as I read your novels and disregard the similarities between myself and Delcan McDaniels?

Watching you and witnessing the darkness casting over your eyes of light amber I find clues how it is that I might gain the knowledge to unlock the keys to all that is kept from the worlds view.

You fight impossible battles to realize wins that are relevant in some deep seeded way that I know nothing of...

Such is the complexity of our relationship eh?

Pending thoughts plaguing we two; what the future may hold for the immortal, navigating our way through breaths exhaled

inhaling the air of the unknown amongst those who'd never comprehend what type of world we exist in on this day.

As I glance at worn photos settling in my wallet of you, you and I, I can't seemingly recollect just how much time has past.

Our lives contaminated by internal, unseen forces are but ours alone to shoulder in this life time and I'm left with the wonder of how we came to be here.

Austin seems a distant planet upon my return from Scotland, is it not the same for you?

I take moments in the day merely to retrieve what was daily routine...

If not to gather a glimpse of that which became a familiarity, comfort to myself.

I held no concern of the inevitable, which has become a vice, nightly so.

I've resolved to simply close weary eyes and post you quiet notes of graceful thoughts...

Such as that cafe that you consistently speak of; desire to place your glass down and "normalize" the day broaching. You've spoken, in broad terms of displacement; feeling the break of self worth and ostracizing...

I never fully understood

until I faced her with accusations much in similarity to those faced by you in your darkest day.

No one desires to be singled out for imagined infractions of the soul.

I ache for you honey, with evening that closes I find no comfort in the darkness that approaches.

Be well in all that you do, remind yourself that you are not alone in this that engulfs us on the present, on the morrow.

We are riding the wave of promise, let that tide you over for the time spent apart.

My God did that sound as lame as it did inscribing it?

I place pen to paper in trepidation knowing full well that as a writer/scribe you read me as text traveling on a tangent unknown to this novice.

I return to you soon; somewhat broken down by the distance, it is my fervent hope that you vest our love and hold it to steal the pain when I am unable to be there in place.

From my hand to yours,

love not completely told,

Ethan

When you're away

it feels as though each thing surrounding my being is lessened in color; vibrancy, though

your constant berating has, admittedly taken a considerable toll upon my spirit. While it is truth that guidance is very much a part of what I require, it is also a bitter pill to swallow.

As our lives unfold I begin to trust,

something that does not come easily to me.

You ask why it is that I am repetitive in experience and choice.

The response isn't in reference to behavior modification, it is merely state of mind, a mind lost deep in thought-

residing in country of another

I see you Ethan, as the better days of my life long. Desires of which I have plenty, have become secondary to dealing with the demands of the day present.

I fall, get up and begin again falling silent onto deaf ears. That is what happens when no one readily hears the cries of the small child in ones soul.

I could not decide to live as a mortal only to find yourself and I waking on the morn as immortal.

We chose a destiny, yet it beckoned.

I'm beginning to hold the belief that it was Garrison and his family who chose we, not some fluke in my research of the Garrison effect.

I'm well aware of life's toll taken on you, your circumstances have become graven with the ash of the Heathers.

Nights drag themselves out endlessly as I ponder needlessly when I should be productive in further research, writing.

You reference Declan as though I should take pause in effect; this I cannot do for you...

He became relevant when no light deemed itself worthy of shining upon my face.

A needed reprieve when providence took an absence, a pardon for being caught between the here and the morrow.

Know solace in that I won't falter though thoughts, as yours, plague me of doubt.

I'm far too young to not seek success; cross lines that only those who would stand when the winds of Heathers swirl...

Into your arms I do so fall,

from my hand to yours,

Sawyer

After a non convincing week full more of trepidation rather than capitulation I'm looking forward to a week of work that fulfills.

Don't live in regret, find your way and make a path where there was none before.

Don't speak ill of others if you haven't heard the song that plays in the background of their lives.

Life is short, the word 'can't' is a shovel.

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

John and I are going to release an unedited version of the novel "93 Kilometers to the Better" to a select few, signed for those who have been collecting. Thank you for the interest!

Running with the Saints

You wouldn't know me from a face in the crowd...

unrecognizable even to myself these days

Sunsets close the days as they come

and come frequently they so do

more and more

or so it seems

I'm accused of wandering in thought

when I should be clear and present

the only vacation that I take

in the times

that I live in

I'm summed up in the bottom of this glass;

smooth

burning as I glide down

ice left melting

diluting the remains

daring you to drink

just one more time

Cut my anchor

awhile back

much to everyones disdain

life is what we make it

I made mine from a crumpled pirates map

Felt the need to seek

unclaimed treasures

yet to be found

by the likes of someone such as myself

Islands provide sanctuaire

to my relief

no regrets

change is wild; free

storms are better witnessed from afar

Front door is painted red

much like Irish of old

to better find my way home

Stumbling through this side of unknown...

fearless

curiousity my sail

wonder to see you standing there waiting

for me

Always knew that you had a vested interest

you merely smiled handing me the keys to the door

opening a new chapter

to re write

edit

and make our own

Hard to ever know what precisely to do

Other than this tired old map

to guide

compass the way through

Coming home can be as difficult as leaving

for scrappers

who fight for daily wheels beneath their feet

the road beckoning

burning rubber, miles when I can

It's all a whirl

blurring vision of sights that I should take the moment to see

no time though

busy at finding what I can, where I can...

I feel for the boundries

if only to jump the fences, break the cages

heard the call

some time ago

warned that I couldn't

took it as a dare

Soared

no other way to fly

high

to the limits

of why nots

laughing at the faces

turned in awe

"I could do that...thought to awhile back. Just didn't have the time to spare"

It takes friends, a small crowd growing into a gathering

to propell dreams

into the morrow

Closed down for the nay sayers

heading out

stopping in luckenbach, stretching my wings

with the other Saints

where they dare to be unique

no excuses

Building one stone at a time

a home that will sustain

insulated

durable with times erosion

Heading home

welcome mat

announcing that my feet are welcome

not judged by the runnning the race

"He who wins the fight is he who wants it more"

She wanted it more, simply didn't want the fight.

So, I'm hanging up the boxing gloves and doing what's worthy.

Time wasted is forever lost...

I wanted to thank John Brodrick, you really helped me out this week. Donald, Doug and Sam couldn't have managed without you all. Bert, I didn't forget how you stepped up- thx.
Feel good about what you're doing. Try and remember that as you judge others, so to are you judged yourself, and you just may find yourself in similiar circumstances.
Learn compassion, and don't take a fight on that is driven by emotion only.
Have a great week!

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

(Malak)