Becoming King

I listened on as they spoke; he with a low growl type voice, hers a mere whisper.
I wanted to look away, but judging by the exchanged intensity between them, this I felt required my full attention.
The barn was lit only with white candles from rafter to rafter, every bale of hay illuminated with mason jars glowing from the small, flickering flames.
It was beautiful.
He withdrew a small, folded, aged photograph from his jeans pocket and handed it to the woman.
By her expression I could see that she felt overwhelmed. It was a picture of a small girl being held by an older boy with great security.
I crossed my legs, leaned back against the wooden wall and listened intently.
The woman whispered “This is us yeah?”
He nodded. “In the beginning. Knew I loved you even then.”
“And now?”
“To a depth that I never imagined possible.”
She methodically wiped the tears from her face, he toyed with the strands of blond hair that had fallen from the French braid framing her face.
He lowered his gaze to her neckline…this must’ve caused her to become uncomfortable because she stepped back a step.
A smirk crossed his lips.
“You belong to me. How we come to this isn’t a question; it’s a probability. When have you ever denied me?”
She knew. She had always known him based on the photograph exchanged.
“Ethan…I’m afraid.”
“Obviously. You’re trembling.”
He tugged her closer forcing her to feel his massive chest.
She ran her hand across his worn shirt, memories flooding her senses.
From my vantage point I could feel the tension growing at an expediential rate. Ethan was slowing his breathing, measuring his words and more than that- he was seducing.
I wished he’d say her name, I felt as though if I could hear him utter it perhaps I’d discover more…carry this with me after tonight-
Write about it later?

He placed his hands around her neck.
She pleaded with her eyes for him to stop.
I wanted to cry out “No!” but I had to see…
Had to know what Ethan was about to do.
She never reached up to end the advance, instead, she gently raised her hand to his face and traced his lips with her finger tips.
He responded “Unbutton your blouse for me baby girl.”
She shook her head no.
I thought he’d squeeze; tighten his grip around her neck…
Ethan did no such thing…just leaned down and kissed her forehead.
“I need you to submit. You have to obey.”
She unbuttoned 3 of the top closures, unwilling to go further.
“I’m too afraid. I want you Ethan, I do, but I can’t seem to move, succumb.”
“Do you want me to tell it again?”
She nodded weakly, he postured himself to further intimidate, refusing to release his hold on her.
“I came for you first and foremost as your friend. I stood in front of you, in the beginning, as your protector. It was from birth. I came to protect you, care for you and later guide.
Its truth that I should’ve been more vocal, explain life to you. (his eyes searched hers in earnest) but you were to learn it from me alone and so it went. You lived for me; I for you. When the changes came, they came for me first. I merely followed what my father did, his father before him and so forth. Who and what I became, wasn’t intentional in the sense that I set out to be this type of man…
I had no idea what turmoil plagued your daily, what caused the nightmares…..
Sawyer, all that I knew is that it healed you and so I became.
Later, you were brought to me.
Psychologically I can only imagine the ramifications it placed upon the both of us.
We are here, as we are now because of this correct?”
Sawyer nodded in affirmation.

I placed my hand to my neck, wondering how that must’ve felt, for her…the trust between the pair must be immense.

“I think that I’d rather not know how it ends.”
“We’ve married. It’s not enough. You understood when we exchanged vows that it would not be enough.
Not between you and I.
There is only one way to seal ourselves together.”
“I have your name. It’s enough.”
“It would’ve been, were not for extenuating circumstances. Un do your blouse baby girl.”
Reluctantly she did as she was told.
Ethan released her neck, pulled his own black tee shirt up and over his head and casually tossed it aside onto the floor.
“Help me with my jeans.”
Sawyer nervously unbuttoned, unzipped his jeans. Ethan followed suit by removing hers, then his own. I thought, at this point, to look away.
I was knowingly intruding…
Yet I remained; intrigued by the oddity of it all…
I watched as Ethan’s blonde hair shimmered in the candle lit room, how is eyes danced with elation that he’d finally receive whatever it was that he sought; hungered for.
He motioned for Sawyer to let her hair down, she declined, he took it down for her. Amber eyes if you looked closely, Sawyers eyes danced in delight as well. The more dominance he wielded, the more intense the exchange…
Ethan took her by the shoulders and turned her around. “I’m going to make you topless.”
“It’s unnecessary for this.”
He grinned broadly.
“I know. It’s for my pleasure entirely.”
Ethan’s hand traced over the words inscribed onto her back. “These are my words…you can do this honey…for me, for us.”
He unhooked her brassiere, letting it fall. “I love that you did this for me…” Ethan traced the tattoo yet again.
By his facial expression, the foreign words held great meaning to him.

To be remembered daily in such a manner…
I thought how pleasurable that must be. Would anyone go to that length for me in my lifetime?

As he turned, I felt my stomach drop. It was as though he had gathered a glimpse of my hiding spot- Ethan had paused, seemingly looking directly at me.
I sat there, ridiculously frozen, paralyzed with fear.
He laughed!
He continued.
“Sawyer…no crying. No screams. Nothing, you got it?”
“Yes. But you go first.”
“Because you want to see if I’ll waffle.”
She smiled brilliantly. “Yes.”
Ethan reached over to one of the bales of hay, picked up and handed her an iron brand. I couldn’t see what type of brand it was, but I was certain.
She moved away from him, brand in hand and walked over to a small, coal fire graying with ash in an old steel drum. Sawyer placed it in until it was red, glowing and readied.
Ethan lowered his head, said nothing and waited patiently for her.
She approached him from behind and pressed the iron into the flesh of his right shoulder.
If he was in pain, Ethan never even winced. He stood stoically; charging the pain to cease and reinvent itself as sexual tension.
Never before had I witnessed such a terse look in a mans eyes before…

Ethan grabbed the iron from her hand and, through gritted teeth instructed Sawyer to lie down and afford him access.
She complied.

Surprised me a great deal having smelled the burnt flesh emitting from his shoulder that she must have known as well…

“I want you to hurt for me baby girl, as I’ve done the same for you…(she nodded yes) and now I have to ask of you…will you obey? Do you give yourself completely to me, no reservation, no trepidation?”
“You’re my king.”
Ethan kneeled between her legs and branded her with no hesitation.
I cringed. The inside of her thigh was crimson with his family’s crest now etched in.
Sawyer’s eyes welled up with tears but she only allowed them to stream down her cheeks.
He set the iron down carefully in a nearby pail to avoid starting a fire then afforded his full body weight to press down upon the already incapacitated woman.
Ethan wiped the tears from her face.
“I’m not sorry…this has to be completed. We are nothing like the others. I have to get you past your fears…do you submit?”
Sawyer waited for quite some time before answering the man. This obviously was a life altering decision…

In my mind I placed myself in her position.
Would I place my life into a mans hands? In this day and age?
Ethan was correct.
This pair was like no one that I knew.
Medieval if I had to place time to it…

Sawyer whispered her response. “I submit.”
They consummated their union with both veracity and passion.
I didn’t feel comfortable baring witnessing at this point, yet to look away…I just couldn’t.
I merely wanted to observe- copulation in its purest form.
She had capitulated and relinquished their life into his capable hands.

Ethan helped her dress, dressed himself and asked that she wait outside.
Sawyer promptly left, leaving me alone with the muscular man.

His blue eyes searched the open space as he began extinguishing each and every candle.
When he came to the last he turned in my direction and spoke aloud “I’ve loved Sawyer a life time. She was born for me as I her. There exist but one way for soul mates to merge; after a lifetime of denying ourselves it was up to me to bring her home. By branding her I replace life’s scars with the knowledge that she will always belong. Write about us if you will but know this: destiny has been scribed permanently here today. Her back tells the story, my shoulder, her thigh the beginning and our hearts ceasing to beat the end. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen for at least 50 years. May you find the love that we know.”
With that said Ethan, the mysterious man who had mesmerized my attention for what seemed to be hours blew the last flame into closure for the evening and left.

I would have never seen the pair again were it not for the novels that they began writing together.
Page after page I read the inferences to that fateful night.

While others felt deepened sadness upon the news of their death;
I felt elation with the realization that after 40 years they died peacefully in one another’s arms.

I’m grateful having lived a life with his words resonating…
While I didn’t follow their example, I did however enjoy growing up knowing that love of that magnitude not only existed, but persevered.

Their remains were laid to rest abroad, some non descript village where their ancestors had both originated from. It must have been a compromise…
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
Hoping that your week was a wonderful one and that you seize the moment.
Time is short, uncertain and magical- when we open our eyes and see it as we once did.

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

Between August and September

Our last dance together; dying in one another’s arms… the realization that on the morrow we’d begin the day sharing the same name and nothing more…
How I wanted you to love me the way that I always knew was deserved
Not forthcoming
in all these years
Time wasted, given to settling for less than comfortable…
The towel never even reached the floor when it was thrown in, the red flag raised then lowered in an uneasy truce.

I’m apologetic for your pain
Not sorry for leaving where I was never wanted
taking the suitcase next to the door full of mistrust and disregard
threw it out in the trash on my way to the vehicle, no need for that type of baggage…not where I’m going…

Headed for somewhere between August and September, a place where home surrounds me and provides comfort
that I had left behind
for your empty promise of a better life
I recall roaming the hallway, leaning on the walls at 2 am wondering how I came to be here, how you could slumber through the mundane suffocation
of what became of us

I glanced at the letter… just one more time before turning onto the highway to be certain that I wasn’t dreaming
It was a letter that began this journey… a letter that brings me home.
One twist of my ring for luck and I’m on my way…

Never thought the pain would take over me this way, all I desired was to let die gracefully what had withered years upon years ago…

Somewhere between August and September I had lost her… I was distracted, blinded by the obvious
She was left undone
the Autumn deceived by omission
Try as I might to extend my truth…it had fallen upon the distance from here to there…

Wearily I drive, slumber eluding; the adrenalin rush propelling my body just one more mile
Incomplete to the core until *I’m found by what I lost*
I’m about to write across the sky to the world…giving into the relentless scenarios that eternally play in my mind.
I’m challenged back into existence
Racing the clock, the cars that seem to idle in front of the line
My God…I’m driving in line
to beget what rightfully is mine.
I smile, a cheese line to scurry through…music blaring, wind blitzing the windows daring me to press the peddle to exhilarate…shoot pass the other fools who waited too long to see today
for what it really is

By now, she’d lie in the tub, crying for what never was, bitter as hell by my estimation
A draw to the bad side of what could’ve been healed
to vengeance that holds no gain…
By November she’d romanticize the memory, cite that once again I managed a wrong when all along I knew that I was correct.
We all live our own truths; mine was immediate and in wait.
My choice simple; decide what I could and couldn’t live with.

Three states away, stopping for fuel only adding to the apprehension, causing me to ache for completion.
The voice on the gps taking my temperature every now and again, much to my annoyance. Wondering what her appearance is?
laughing at the thought, must confess that I will probably always wonder, would I recognize her at the store if I heard the voice? And if I did, would I cringe and let her know that I’ve no intention of ever recalculating…?

I think to call, either ahead of where I’m going or behind, changed my mind and set the phone down.
I want this to last,
Because this is the last time I will ever break away; what I now take, I keep for my own.
The news hit hard;
No one expected this sudden turn of events
But who really knew that this was so far past anything that I had thought would transpire?
All the realization that I held was a someday that hadn’t arrived…disappointed and left me to disbelieve

I lent my head out the car window to take notice of the late night sky, did the stars shine as brightly here?
Rumor had it that they very well did…
A blanket that she must be looking up to praying for my homecoming to be a safe one…
The gift on the passenger seat would lighten her eyes, though I hoped for tears of joy…
The least I could do for running through Hell’s gate with a bucket of spit, her hair up in a pony tail and a brilliant smile to reassure…
Always a fighter, always the shield between the storms and the slights; a constant in laughter and wonder
I felt liberated, nearly to tears that I could return home
Leave the sorrow long behind…
Refuge now hours away, lines blurring as I can no longer hold back the elation…
Nothing here is notable; though I’ve seen that it could be…just wasn’t what held my focus with such intent

I glanced up at the gps lady’s forecast, eta, and pressed on, hoping that she was incorrect…but rain poured, rushed down and shattered my desire to excel blinding me to the right, slow lane…

She’d tell you that we were the luckiest people on the planet, I’d remark that after a tornado producing storm just whooshed by me along with all of the strife, screaming and threats that it felt anything but lucky…

By now she’d know that I wasn’t looking back
My things really were gone
The papers were signed effortlessly…
I sat up, shifted my body. I’d not let the pain consume one more minute of my life…and this was my life right?
Mine.
I had plans, not selfish ones.
I was about to share, open it all and soar above mediocrity
Good is great, but great is fantastic and I demanded it all this time around…in a big way…nothing but the brass ring would do…

Had to laugh to myself by mile marker 509, she mentioned the brass ring twisted and wished upon brought the love of your life to you
She actually stood in a fountain, twirled
I could imagine, it was something that she’d do…absolutely, if just to make me laugh
Checked the mirror.
I appeared exhausted…knew she wouldn’t care
Wouldn’t notice
I had no courage left to me to dial the phone
Wanted to surprise, leave the moment to its own devices…

She’d love this car I thought, her dream automobile
Suddenly I was grateful for the choice I had made several years passed and decided that I’d toss the keys on her dining table…
Let her be the driver of her own destiny for awhile
If only to hear the subsequent squeal of delight
A little girl dancing in the living room; masquerading as a woman, my heart sewn onto her torn rock tee shirt
Couldn’t part with the memory; lose the ability to hold up to her senses just to bring her back…

When I drove down the street and took the turn, my stomach became angry with my last food choice…
No turning back now
Saw her immediately, throwing a football on the front lawn, not surprising that she busted into a sprint from first sight
Bear hugging and crying…always the fiercest
I felt myself wrapping my arms around forever to keep it safe from the outside world…

This was something that I’d died for a thousand times over
My heart broke and repaired as we remained in that moment for such a very long time…

Somewhere between August and September I received the worst news of my life
Devastated
Destroyed
lived years in purgatory because of the loss
To receive the second half of that letter… I can’t begin to express the weight lifted.

By now, she and her friends are drinking heavily, consoling for the pain and sorrow, blaming me
My name now a curse to be spat out

Somewhere between August and September she took my name as her own and brought me more happiness then I had ever dreamed was possible.
I’m not the most hated man in America any longer
She writes my story giggling
Always did think that my struggles were meant for her personal folly
Drives me crazy,
But I love her as well…

At times I wonder why/how we became saturated by misconception, unable to see past the sorrow…
She looked to a lifetime of wait; in constant battle, hoping for the one who would stand where others faded…because in her mind…I had relinquished…
Relinquished her into a spiraling darkness…
To have known me; all that I held, including herself in such a manner, then curiously discarded

Scared and maimed.

Between August and September I found that she had written me into erasure
self preservation that wouldn’t hold up to my memory- except I never was aware of the grasp that I crossed across her heart

We were both so incredibly wrong.
Misinformed, intentionally misguided, and sent out into the world missing a part of ourselves

We had to choose…
Harbor the wrong
Or make it right…

All of the memories flooded, night after night…initially.
She was frightened
I had no other choice but to shield.
We’d travel side by side, though in truth it was older to younger between us, always had been.

I thought about my past, how I had become sullen and lent to submission to avoid conflict.
Where had I run off to?
She was a leader who only followed me.
I was the King who had drowned…
Now that our court had reassembled there would be hell to pay

Not with a bucket of spit…

I suppose what I’d want you to walk away with is this;
Sometimes enough truly is enough
settling for less does mean you’ll receive less…
And unless you believe in taking that one last chance, you may lose the light that would finally guide you home.

Sequence of events.

Never a coincidence.

Worth boils down to self worth.

She didn’t give me that.

I simply had to realize that it couldn’t be taken away through the trials and tribulations.

Somewhere between August and September I went home,
finally.
Not a place, but a frame of mind.

In that frame, you’ll find she and I.
Long lasting, open communication, no time wasted.

Am I sorry that I launched above the familial to land here?

No.

Only wish I had done it sooner.


From my hand to yours,

Sawyer
Saint Andrews

coelestinus (Celestial blue)

There are just some hurts that simply don’t dissipate; regardless the friends, the support that we place in our lives…
Watching someone lose their love, first undying emotion tears at each of us, having been there…
No hug, no words can wrap around a heart that has shattered into a million pieces, as much as we attempt to be the glue so eagerly sought after…
So this is for you; I know that you’re hurting, wondering why this has happened, who is to blame, why the world has suddenly turned its back on your current dreams; circumstance…
Wanted you to know that I love you with a depth that couldn’t be written, but surely must be restated often. that’s what we do
when one of our own falls onto the ground.
Love to tell you that dusting it off will work, bring you to the morrow in a better light; it isn’t always the case.
I used to pick up the phone, thinking that somehow she’d have the words to make it right.
She didn’t.
As I grew older, I realized that there is no answer, at times no reason.
Still, hearing that voice
Knowing that at least there is one person who held you since your first breath will always love with no condition…helps, even if it’s just a little, enough to remember that we hurt together.
Those hearts always remain as one.

For every door closed
a window swings open
so they say
But maybe I didn’t want to sit by the window…perhaps I just wanted to crawl out and sit on the roof and yell “why?”
We didn’t have cell phones to get the immediate response…
Just stars listening to us going crazy with unanswerable questions’
probably the one time in our lives where the question “What if?”
Lingers
and lingers on

True love returns, when our children are born
as nothing has the ability to compare, we are all consumed by providing our best
until our best turns out to be letting go
relinquishing what we spent a lifetime building

We’re sedated by the changes
altered forever with imagined or very real regret(s)
attempting to run to nowhere, find home where it had been lost to us
The constant redefining of our lives.

Mac A’ Bhaird always said that when you removed your shoes, placed your bare feet on the ground of your ancestors, that home would beckon. I would liken the experience to love. We always return home, whether it’s in another eyes, the hand that leads us back or when we find such commonality that no matter the latitude, we’re there

Time to remove the shoes
remember all of the souls who walked before
who fought their way back from trials/tribulations far more complex then broken dreams

The pain isn’t lessened by the severity
it’s the strength of conviction; the heart that measures the depth

Once in a blue moon true loves comes for us
lightning strikes
thunder rages

but I believe that if you hold the rod up high enough
just maybe,
perhaps
the link can find its way home again

Love you Blue...

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer
Saint Andrews

Fenton

I couldn’t go home
even if I knew the way back, the map was long aged, the people there didn’t know me…
Still, you waved me across.
I wanted to run
Not look both ways, go with abandon…
I stood helplessly by as you crossed instead, fearless, coming for what you wanted.
Me.
You lie on the pavement, I stood frozen for an endless amount of time.
I watched as they swaddled you in wool blankets, speaking above your battered body
that you were, in all likelihood going to die.
Later I laughed hearing that you were going to brag about the gifts you received in the hospital…
*
Did we come this far to be left behind?
Are you standing in the storm just to relieve the numbness; the dull ache that binds you to the mundane?
*
We ran into the fields
Swaying with natures melodic tune
Attempting to escape nights inevitable capture…
I wanted to know if you’d die a thousand small deaths for the likes of me;
for my love
And you desired to quench your thirst with intoxicating drink
of me
I tanned well beneath the brilliance of your burning gaze;
blushed to crimson when you placed your hand over my tender heart
Still, I couldn’t return home
I had long forgotten where it was
*
I held onto the duality of what had become me
Always split into two
And all I ever wanted to know was why
Why I couldn’t just find normal
Leave being special behind
Always with friends, loved ones
Surrounded by the beam of bubbly attraction
There was a part that had fallen;
Held in reserve
For a better time
*
Even now
On a clear night
The stars illuminating the deep, dark blanket of the night sky
I think about you glancing upwards
Explaining what was what
Just to make me feel stupid
You could be mean
But if only to ruin my concentration to best me later…
I fell for it every time
My temper never was one to poke a stick at
Sure made you laugh a lot though….
No matter the day, no matter the night
You never let me pull away
I think you inherently understood that I belonged everywhere with you; lost to the rest of the world
*
I miss the crisp feeling of fields left unplowed
The pounding of our hearts from the pressure of a saunas extreme heat…
You broke
I broke
We fell apart because intensity burns,
Radiates and causes jealousy and confusion
We were far too close to the sun for others not to snatch us and throw us to their will
It was not
For
Well
*
Still, I wanted to feel home.
Its not a door with a mat.
If there was a key, I had traveled the world wide to find it
Left no stone unturned
Cried until there were no tears left
The ache that had given me life evolved into darkened sorrow.
By then,
I couldn’t return.
Who would recognize me now?
*
I think that we all want to be known; felt to the core of our souls
Heard
Even if by silent gesture
He was my guide
My king
My home
And I was left undefined
With no refuge
Until he chose to speak
“Built a castle;
A home and a missed by the mark type of life….since you left.”
*
The question on everyone’s mind was if we’d break free
Run for the fields; serve grace in Fenton
Flip the bird at anyone’s requests…
Die as we should’ve
After a life long lived the way our hearts had roared to us while the eagles sang their slow, sorrowful song…
Or
Live the duality of natures fury
Left never being known again
Merely remembered
In a “laying on the pavement, watching airplanes fly” type of way…
*
Still
The draw
Remains
I glanced back
Smiling, seeing you in a boat with chips, rowing, mocking the gathered
Someone whispered “Do you know him?”
I replied proudly “Yes”
“You’re lucky.”
I kept watching you, giggling.
It was never a question of knowing him, (that was easy)
It was being known by him.
And that was enough to bring me back home.
Finally.
*
The years fell away
As I ran across the airport,
Tripping in boots meant to impress
Managing only to cause you to burst into laughter
Angered me
Things broke
But it wasn’t us
Wasn’t my fault this time
Still
You smirked
“Doesn’t change baby girl”
No, home certainly doesn’t…

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

Remember me well

I remember the feel of you...

Your touch.

It burned my skin, even in the harsh depths of winters barrenness.

Etched into memory

wouldn't let go if I tried.

I went back

once

or twice

I couldn't feel

So I tried again

I finally found you there;

waiting

unilaterally comprehending what no one else held the capacity to

forcing it all to rush back in

flooding

Good to place your feet back into the fury of the oceans turbulence

good to feel

with understanding

You were a stone cold thief

I was a willing partner

nothing was off limits

everything was up to learn

designed to either build character

or destroy

refuge enters in different guises

close our eyes or no'

we'll see

the sound piercing

the senses reeling...

Between the first

and the last

Both remember the recent

the ancient

and pull from the middle of content

Deeply amazed that memories drove me to this

and were recognized.

Brilliant I thought

that one man

one

would read

consume

the volume of work

and know its origin

A flashlight in the dark.

When you write,

pen to hand

hand to heart

heart in thought

you convey

but for those who've lived it

we remain

He emerged from the darkness;

came to live a good, decent life

in mind

some action perhaps nobly misunderstood

Perched high above us all

in the great white north

his eyes twinkle in delight

To have been remembered;

elaborated

inked into immortality

April 16th...

Sinning where the Saints gather

Haven't we become the smoke of a fire long set?

Fact of fiction.

Where the road divided

I took the sense

and ran

simple right?

What I wanted to know

was why?

How?

And then it came to me;

in the arena

as we co exist

we find a way...

serenity

chaos

drama

calm...

whatever it takes

the withdrawl is made

Memories

result

We form

we live

eventually, if we're lucky

we comprehend

we live out fulfilled.

He asked of me

(in a jovial manner) how is it that you thought I, of all people, could forget?

And the relevance returned.

All of this mattered.

Pen to hand

hand to paper

ink to dictation

words into written, shared, memory.

We're each others past,

friends

and the bridge to our present.

As I fall into the last

I'm at peace.

Memories brought me here

both good and bad

I'm me

because you were you.

From the first to the last

remember me well...

This has been a good week. I hope the same occurred for you and yours.

Some days can be utterly futile, but they are, in the end time that is given to us sparingly.

Enjoy and love

hug fiercely

drive with the windows down once in awhile...

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

Darling of chaos

For love and everything after Rome
say the eternal sinner to the captured saint
The sanctuary of quest now fulfilled

He lifted her up into his arms and whispered hoarsely "Marry me...love me for everything that we can and will be together, honor me by taking my name."
Tears of elation escaped her eyes of amber
knowing that she'd leave this life dying in the arms of the one who had unselfishly saved her life
loved her with no condition

He is of the brave
this she knew as truth from the beginning
holding audience enough for one
He asked how he was to know of her?
relequishing not a thing;
fighting the insecurities vested, pressing through the heavy storms that raged
sheilding her from the hurt of the world

In rome he took her to Prevenient Grace,
his darling of chaos...
Dancing in the fountain of wishes
her spirit soared
his strength gave her the promise to see to the morrow

There was no where she could hide from way he made her feel
he'd catch her running in any case
laughing
quite alright to lose the race to a man worthy of the win
but he knew that
he'd been a nomad his life long
curtains drawn
he hung his head in sorrow
begged the midnight air for just
one
more
chance

and she walked in

They exchanged names
after having lost themselves to the raging world outside

Taking her for a truck ride
down an old dirt road
in her pretty lil dress
until she saw
through his eyes
and he
through hers

Be who you are
nothing more

and she smiled brilliantly
to his radiance

This is who I am proclaimed he
she loved him to the core of his soul
summing up the seal that she'd pledge to him
he ringed her finger
pledging a life free from debris

For love and everything after a holiday in Rome
my darling of chaos
to us
to the morrow...

Aeterna Eternus

From here, the angels have a better view.

Hate to think that if I sunk any lower I'd require a sign?

A red flag waving in the winds of change?

What I've come to realize is that I cannot be myself.

Me, as it turns out is rejected.

No, not by my my best friends, obviously they get the darkness, the obscurity of the humor that I randomly dole out...

Acceptance, it seems, is a random ideal...

I wanted him to believe in me, because, quite frankly, 'me' is rather a unique brand of special that I've longed for to resinate as normal...

He couldn't know that the truth was always standing front and center.

He went on to attempt to prove me wrong, incorrect to his personal wisdom.

Still, privately, I knew all along that I had what it took to propell us both into the realm where we could both excel...

I miss him.

The way he was before life crept in and took us away from who we were

together.

He destroyed so many pages of manuscript of the story of us, on this day in particular.

This was a day of celebration that turned its lines into an undone mess of a life told.

Still I knew that I was right to find the path that would lead the chapter to reach its natural conclusion.

My mind doesn't work the way he'd like it to

in stating that, I also realize what makes me great is also my greatest demise.

I have lost years, no memory of what plagues me at night...
And so I write.

Living in the world that I create where I can be myself and soar to a latitude where no one can stop me

I wanted to tell him that we'd always be who we were

that being enough

even pacing ourselves walking down a one way street.

He came to rush in where others would've dismissed.

I loved him through all of the doubts, wanting him to see that through others he could trust.

None of it mattered.

He remained that I was one in a million, shining brighter than the daily sun;

saying quite a bit

considering we reside in Texas

where the heat slays those who cannot bear assimilation.

I sat square in the middle

praying for time

praying that the sides would not cave in...

++++++++++++

I wanted to believe.

I did.

But as unique as I am, as I live my life, she spoke of things that held no virtue to me, my world and what I held as truth.

I loved her heart, her mind.

Let's face it- the woman can and does pull off feats that no one I know is able to do.

I wanted proof however.

I am a man of many, many talents, and while I do see that creative minds flow differently than the ordinary

how is it that I should love a woman who seemingly speak un truths as though passing the gravy?

I believe in happy endings, though for myself I haven't known any...

she was always tangled up in this that and the other

I destroyed a friendship based on what I viewed as tangible.

I wanted the stories to hold truth, verification however was nearly impossible.

What I didn't realize was her life long friends knew all along.

They had been there.

Witnessed what I needed.

I watched as she fell, bent over sobbing in the greatest of sorrow, for while her heart is an endless catch all

it also breaks so much more severely than a woman that I'd see myself loving.

I desired to be that safe place where she could land, still couldn't wrap my brain around how her life unfolded so incredibly odd...

I blamed her.

Most people that I meet are transitional.

Period.

I harmed her. Didn't realize that she held belief in such high esteem, but than again there was alot I had no idea about.

When love did finally find her, she really took to it in a remarkable way, leaving any thoughts of she and I far behind her...

I can't say that I felt disappointment, we were never meant for more...

She did pull away under the threat that I'd simply forgo the dream

harm her worse

worse, something that she apparently held familiarity with.

+++++++++

He did whatever it took to win.

Played, initially games on the off chance that I might be the one.

While I understood, I wanted no part of it. I was driven. I knew all along what I wanted, subsequently receiving it.

Quite frankly what I desired was much older, more weathered by the life that had bore its scars on my phyche...

While I wasn't exactly certain why I should take survival on at this point as a viable avenue when no one seemingly cared

no, gave a real shit about

pardon the language

at times the ledge beckons

even when it shouldn't

I would've hoped that he'd pull me back...

he did.

Still I ask: how do I ask for help that seemingly isn't coming?

+++++++++

She runs

runs even when in the grip of exhaustion

I attempt to remind her of the dream we share

But it's not my place.

I question the man in her life. Where is he in all of this?

Why does he continually falter, or does he?

Not quite certain as to how I'd do things differently if given the opportunity...

second chances aren't really my biggest asset.

I have a full life, not wanting to jeopardize that simply because she is flailing beneath the pressure...

Yet I wanted to be the friend that she required.

Defiantly I cried foul, if not to make the justification easier...

Certainly she was not empty with no recourse

+++++++++
Here I go...

That is what I said

shed the very last tear over what had transpired- not between he and I mind you, although he had hurt me as well.

One component remained.

The dream.

The truth is a two sided coin.

What we choose to believe

and what is

reality

Reality is however a choice that we make by self choice or in my case self preservation...

+++++++++

I sat next to her, her love.

Saw myself in him, but he was so much more...loved her with the intensity that she required, loved her with the depth which served me with great comprehension of her particular needs.

He believed.

She needed that.

And as I sat there, deeply in love with another, I realized what she had been saying all along.

"Friendship is unconditional" as weird as she is, she loves me as is.

And I love her.

++++++

He made this life possible. He gave to me, finally what I had been asking for.

Love that led to no apologies.

Amazing.

And, about time...

Involved in a futile argument that seems to have become epic by its own standards, I want you all to know that it's not worth it. People around you base their disposition in regard to your person on your reaction.

I fought for awhile, but it took its toll. Really it's about who you are, and for me, I place people in my life that are worthy of my time, unconditional love and trust.

On another note, Valarie my bff, lol, has received her dream. I pray that it is all that she wants it to be and most deserved goes to her and her sons- kudos to you all!

Also to DLS, I want you to know that you're rare.

People like you come once in a lifetime, something that I recognize and adore...

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer Saint Andrews

Taking all of my air

I breathed him in from the first kiss, sensual as it was

lingering on my lips ever so long

I wanted to tell him that the tears flooding the wells of my eyes were that of fear;

fear of loving someone so incredibly so

that I would've easily lost myself to the moment

I pulled back

saying nothing at all

drowning in the silence

that hung desperately onto the frustration of knowing no true security;

bearing on the cusp of a new

unbridled relationship

We carried unspoken thoughts on shoulders

of who knew better

for that time

and

moment

no one wanting to lose

walk away feeling cheated by time vested

He wanted to rush to California

try his luck

While I wanted to dive into the coast of the East

where I felt at home...

I chased shadows,

you embraced them

the darkness creeping in daily

Tears became fallen memories

ones that I couldn't resolve if I had wanted to...

You let go so easily

stealing what remained in my heart...

I hit the wall

rocks jarred loose fell on top of me

ironically never knocking any sense in me

simply leaving a mess in its wake

It meant nothing at all

as it turned

to be

It was to be you and I forever

Forever lost as I feel the pit of my stomach clutch my senses yet again

standing here

in this heat, pumping gas

on my way out

out of your life forever

Funny how forever turns on a dime

when the circumstances dissolve into nothingness

cept my wings aren't unfolding with laughter

feeling death

in short increments

and wishing that I could break and just fall apart

cease

Ease through the cracks in the pavement beneath the wheels of the vehicle of life

to disappear

where I can't be seen in this manner

forsaking all other's wishing me well

I want to grab your hand and pull you here with me

Still I drive

hoping that everything that I've learned up until now

will lift me through to the other side

of this void

He calls,

voice weary of the inevitable awkward conversation

of

goodbyes

I only desire an apology that I will never hear

He merely wants an invitation for his return

The words don't reflect

seemingly deflect what we should be saying

Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Life was so much easier when I fell in love with E. John lyricist...

and you had Farrah's poster hanging over your bed

Words.

That's what brought us together from the first....remember?

I finished, you polished all the lyrics to our song...

Where did we go?

When did we draw the lines of war?

You affected my reality

in a way that I could not settle

down

Down is just where I find myself

looking up for any kind of help

but that sort

is empathetic to destruction

I'm right here

praying that you'll turn me around

one more call

and I've promised myself that I'll never answer again...

still

I hope that you will...

Tears fall freely

I could never imagine that you'd let me get this far

away

from you

where's the happy ending that you promised?

Sign my name across your heart plays on

as I walk away, again

over and over in my mind

the right way

utilizing the correct verbiage

Realizing that it no longer matters

not really

But it feels better to replay it

the way it should've been

the phone rings

I miss the call

as he slides the drink in my direction, understanding that I may require a distraction to heal

I can't find slumber without you

fighting the facts

that you aren't going to rush back in

when it's obvious that you should be doing just that

We go on deceiving our new lives

as though we have the right

to

when we're lying to everyone around us

He doesn't care

thinking that I'll be here forever

though

I won't

Make it plain

simple

come back...

He wrote a song

it didn't sparkle

but it did touch

and I did remember...

I rolled over and knew that it was my time to leave...

perhaps meet him half way?

From my hand to yours,
Sawyer
Saint Andrews

I wonder if I got it right far too late...
As if busting down that door and rushing through wasn't bartered with haste
riddled by insurmountable obstacles,
that even I
in my grandiose illusion thought to procure

I spoke to a close friend as the glass fell freely from my hands grasp at the sight of him
Prevenient Grace
staring directly into my eyes

I wondered just what had taken him so long to take flight
find his way to the here
the present

Time was all we had
back in the days of dreams

My heart sank;
fell alongside that shattered glass
cutting my leg as it went into pieces
at my feet

Hold on
I thought as I glanced your way
know what I do
embrace the remembrance

It's all we have

Don't let this all be in vain
pierce the moment with words of scribed devotion
sway
tumble out of your comfort zone

Find your way back
As I have
To the truth that brings us all to recognition;
mirroring an honesty that in its entirety awakens the senses
providing purpose
with the skill of years passed us

Prayers realized retain the ultimate price tag
as we vest
rock them in the cradle of our loving arms
tenderly nursing them into our reality
weary from the raging days in pasts that have left us battle torn and scarred for the worse

I recall thinking that you took long enough
and I openly speculated why
if I should find death early now will your love rest my restlessness
ease the pain
that plagued my life
kept me up
each and every night
wishing
hoping
that tonight
would find me
returning the glance that would change my life forever?

Those minutes
frozen in time
held hours spent
anticipating for you to cross the room
remarking that the glass had broken
and that you knew who I was

Not by name
but by soul's shout
quiet as that seemingly would be
in a crowded room
"Whatever it takes" you whispered in a low, steady murmur

The steady decline of surrounding jovial revelers
left you and I to stand alone
a little set back by circumstance
not exactly certain as to what to do next

Supposing that we didn't anticipate this meeting to happen
after all of the time expired
belief diminishing with trials/tribulations

Yet here we were

He reversed the closed off sign
unfroze his heart
melted
right then and there
took my hand into his
and chose to tug
running from all familiar

If not to feel
one last time
in his extended life's experiences
I offered no protest

No matter to opinion
I ran with latitude
to a new place
to exist
succumb to what stood before me
now

We posed no words
seemed to be of no use anyway
told them all that we had to go

In intoxication,
doubt they cared
or noticed for that matter
until we forgot to return

Truth was we jumped on our own path

Forging what we could
with what we had
and
what we lacked
figured it would all come to us in time

I smiled to myself, grief falling from my eyes
as it did
all of those years ago
at that chance meeting
we had us quite a few years
until you were taken away

Last of my chances
spent
not squandered
at the least I had that

Glancing at your name etched into cold, smooth stone
grateful for the warmth of sharing
that very same surname
I felt blessed
while feeling that some prayers are oh so brief
how unfair
still lucky was I

To recognize it
when it came my way...

I felt loved.
I lived
died with you
forever wasn't long enough
so it seems

Well we'll be together again
someday
I suppose

I set a glass down
on the dirt
walked away
wishing that I could relive the moments
in their entirety
all over again...

Lucky was I
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Nobody asked me;

it was of no requirement...

Substance is what it is, our own agendas drive each individual to the means to an end

with little or no consequence to those surrounding

I fall down

with no one to lift me back up

watching my life pass me by

all frozen in minuscule time droplets

an insomniac awaiting slumber

that simply is not going to show its arrival

Can't remember the last time that I truly laughed aloud in revel

just being me

no judgements

I consume

never tasting

knowing texture

realizing the flavor

but who listens to one's outcry?

Did I disappoint?

disregard?

Wasn't I the one who stood when all else faltered?

You're always correct

chalk full of authority

the knowing

the temple of righteousness

when you have no semblance of the line that has become incredibly blurred

There are no white horses left remaining in the stable

not for me

not this time

I made way

offered passage

but wasn't good enough

too much time passed

Should've known that I couldn't

when I wanted to

Lost in chance

introspective when I should've shouted

spoke up

sound is wasted on the deaf who posses the ability to hear

even with signs abound

no one sees

Can't bridge over water still

Captured by what I dreamt

the dead line screaming it all to a halt

caught between the right and wrong

unable to turn this around

I turned to bear witness

once

You didn't know how to stop the train from barreling down the tracks...

Casual collateral

was I

Don't waste your time

By the time you find me

I'll have already forgotten the dreams once had

I won't recognize

you...

You'll find the one

who knows the song

playing in your head

It's just not me

Not my symphony

You'll remain that man in the pew behind me

circling around

feeling defeated

never realizing that I just may have the answer(s)

3:30 am

I'll see you there

wondering why you don't dance in the rain

find your way back

to the dreams that held us together

The common denominator

that brought us there

in that particular moment...

Wasn't I convincing enough?

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

Declan

Derived from the promise of loves truth
cherished with uncompromising depth;
born into a family willing to expand...if not just one more time...
Not an exception;
exceptional from that moment on

Extraordinary friend, capable of bearing faults
shouldering sorrow with ease and compassion

contagious laughter
infectious smile

The gift of knowing when it's time
when it's not...

Defined by vested boundaries, ones that expound the drive
for the better
honesty
virtuous love for life
consistent zest and exhilaration - utilizing a non stasis approach

Why not?
Should it breech the darkness
pressing light into the corners
infusing help
when others would shirk the responsibility of their fellow man

Most feel fear
where he sees challenge

Tasting to savor
never to gorge

Wonder reflects the eyes of sea blue
making the moment of reflection that much sweeter

Harmony when the path is littered with conflict
Refuge from an otherwise emotionally consuming world

Meant to live to touch lives;
offer the latitude of faith

Providence
provides the best descriptive word, if I had to find a singular title

Loyal, relentless friendship, a brother when times get tough
no matter the direction...

Just darlings of chaos; storm busters chasing the elusive dreams of the morrow
stopping to stand only to lend a hand
along the way

He closes the story not yet completely told with eloquence and wit
thoughtful respect

Thank you for being yourself and loving me
as is

-Happi day of remembrance
wishing you the love of the world and all of the good things that it has to offer
Serenity when the cast is blue
Peace when you meet your life's partner

Before the Saint came
Declan loved Theresa
and to that end, anything is possible...

Blessed days to all,

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer
Saint Andrews

"Omnia mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis."

And I should know such cold as to draw in winters breath at a time when summer broaches the horizon

The season of telling existence

Would the world bow weeping at a tale sobering and tangled?

For the years lapsed,

rebuilding offered the only respite

I could be a million miles abandoned and feel the pang of sunlight in absence

Endless days of perseverance in witness to contempt's' breech of truth

Scarred for the passive apologetic(s) who would capture the right in lieu of honest hardship

Facades are arson to justification

Reaction, afterall is symptomatic of origin

Spoil the battle weary and bloodied

Negate glorification of those drowning in veiled squander

Reciprocation of loves endurance is the preventative measure;

ingredient to avoid latter blame

And I should know such a glorious story told

of passion riddled with anguish to better fold in a blind enemy

than vest a friend less respect...

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

Adeo ne hominem immutare ex amor, ut non cognoscas eundem esse

Pennington to Sawyer upon leaving the Heathers...

Excerpt from novel two, in the Pater Nostras Series "93 Kilometers to the Better"

"To the better" Are we? I believe so. You alone brought we two into the Dire providing me with so very much more than I had ever hoped to achieve unilaterally, much of it at incredible personal cost. All I might offer you at this point is my truth: I am your end; that I love you further than even I am presently able to see. What is done now is for the both of us, what is needed.

Be compliant for the time being as I will be the man expected to be.

Is it possible that a man can be so changed by love that you could not recognize him to be the same?

Should I look away as I read your novels and disregard the similarities between myself and Delcan McDaniels?

Watching you and witnessing the darkness casting over your eyes of light amber I find clues how it is that I might gain the knowledge to unlock the keys to all that is kept from the worlds view.

You fight impossible battles to realize wins that are relevant in some deep seeded way that I know nothing of...

Such is the complexity of our relationship eh?

Pending thoughts plaguing we two; what the future may hold for the immortal, navigating our way through breaths exhaled

inhaling the air of the unknown amongst those who'd never comprehend what type of world we exist in on this day.

As I glance at worn photos settling in my wallet of you, you and I, I can't seemingly recollect just how much time has past.

Our lives contaminated by internal, unseen forces are but ours alone to shoulder in this life time and I'm left with the wonder of how we came to be here.

Austin seems a distant planet upon my return from Scotland, is it not the same for you?

I take moments in the day merely to retrieve what was daily routine...

If not to gather a glimpse of that which became a familiarity, comfort to myself.

I held no concern of the inevitable, which has become a vice, nightly so.

I've resolved to simply close weary eyes and post you quiet notes of graceful thoughts...

Such as that cafe that you consistently speak of; desire to place your glass down and "normalize" the day broaching. You've spoken, in broad terms of displacement; feeling the break of self worth and ostracizing...

I never fully understood

until I faced her with accusations much in similarity to those faced by you in your darkest day.

No one desires to be singled out for imagined infractions of the soul.

I ache for you honey, with evening that closes I find no comfort in the darkness that approaches.

Be well in all that you do, remind yourself that you are not alone in this that engulfs us on the present, on the morrow.

We are riding the wave of promise, let that tide you over for the time spent apart.

My God did that sound as lame as it did inscribing it?

I place pen to paper in trepidation knowing full well that as a writer/scribe you read me as text traveling on a tangent unknown to this novice.

I return to you soon; somewhat broken down by the distance, it is my fervent hope that you vest our love and hold it to steal the pain when I am unable to be there in place.

From my hand to yours,

love not completely told,

Ethan

When you're away

it feels as though each thing surrounding my being is lessened in color; vibrancy, though

your constant berating has, admittedly taken a considerable toll upon my spirit. While it is truth that guidance is very much a part of what I require, it is also a bitter pill to swallow.

As our lives unfold I begin to trust,

something that does not come easily to me.

You ask why it is that I am repetitive in experience and choice.

The response isn't in reference to behavior modification, it is merely state of mind, a mind lost deep in thought-

residing in country of another

I see you Ethan, as the better days of my life long. Desires of which I have plenty, have become secondary to dealing with the demands of the day present.

I fall, get up and begin again falling silent onto deaf ears. That is what happens when no one readily hears the cries of the small child in ones soul.

I could not decide to live as a mortal only to find yourself and I waking on the morn as immortal.

We chose a destiny, yet it beckoned.

I'm beginning to hold the belief that it was Garrison and his family who chose we, not some fluke in my research of the Garrison effect.

I'm well aware of life's toll taken on you, your circumstances have become graven with the ash of the Heathers.

Nights drag themselves out endlessly as I ponder needlessly when I should be productive in further research, writing.

You reference Declan as though I should take pause in effect; this I cannot do for you...

He became relevant when no light deemed itself worthy of shining upon my face.

A needed reprieve when providence took an absence, a pardon for being caught between the here and the morrow.

Know solace in that I won't falter though thoughts, as yours, plague me of doubt.

I'm far too young to not seek success; cross lines that only those who would stand when the winds of Heathers swirl...

Into your arms I do so fall,

from my hand to yours,

Sawyer

After a non convincing week full more of trepidation rather than capitulation I'm looking forward to a week of work that fulfills.

Don't live in regret, find your way and make a path where there was none before.

Don't speak ill of others if you haven't heard the song that plays in the background of their lives.

Life is short, the word 'can't' is a shovel.

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

John and I are going to release an unedited version of the novel "93 Kilometers to the Better" to a select few, signed for those who have been collecting. Thank you for the interest!

Running with the Saints

You wouldn't know me from a face in the crowd...

unrecognizable even to myself these days

Sunsets close the days as they come

and come frequently they so do

more and more

or so it seems

I'm accused of wandering in thought

when I should be clear and present

the only vacation that I take

in the times

that I live in

I'm summed up in the bottom of this glass;

smooth

burning as I glide down

ice left melting

diluting the remains

daring you to drink

just one more time

Cut my anchor

awhile back

much to everyones disdain

life is what we make it

I made mine from a crumpled pirates map

Felt the need to seek

unclaimed treasures

yet to be found

by the likes of someone such as myself

Islands provide sanctuaire

to my relief

no regrets

change is wild; free

storms are better witnessed from afar

Front door is painted red

much like Irish of old

to better find my way home

Stumbling through this side of unknown...

fearless

curiousity my sail

wonder to see you standing there waiting

for me

Always knew that you had a vested interest

you merely smiled handing me the keys to the door

opening a new chapter

to re write

edit

and make our own

Hard to ever know what precisely to do

Other than this tired old map

to guide

compass the way through

Coming home can be as difficult as leaving

for scrappers

who fight for daily wheels beneath their feet

the road beckoning

burning rubber, miles when I can

It's all a whirl

blurring vision of sights that I should take the moment to see

no time though

busy at finding what I can, where I can...

I feel for the boundries

if only to jump the fences, break the cages

heard the call

some time ago

warned that I couldn't

took it as a dare

Soared

no other way to fly

high

to the limits

of why nots

laughing at the faces

turned in awe

"I could do that...thought to awhile back. Just didn't have the time to spare"

It takes friends, a small crowd growing into a gathering

to propell dreams

into the morrow

Closed down for the nay sayers

heading out

stopping in luckenbach, stretching my wings

with the other Saints

where they dare to be unique

no excuses

Building one stone at a time

a home that will sustain

insulated

durable with times erosion

Heading home

welcome mat

announcing that my feet are welcome

not judged by the runnning the race

"He who wins the fight is he who wants it more"

She wanted it more, simply didn't want the fight.

So, I'm hanging up the boxing gloves and doing what's worthy.

Time wasted is forever lost...

I wanted to thank John Brodrick, you really helped me out this week. Donald, Doug and Sam couldn't have managed without you all. Bert, I didn't forget how you stepped up- thx.
Feel good about what you're doing. Try and remember that as you judge others, so to are you judged yourself, and you just may find yourself in similiar circumstances.
Learn compassion, and don't take a fight on that is driven by emotion only.
Have a great week!

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews

(Malak)

porcelain pirates

And by request, this is for you my dear friend...

He was a Saturday night that stormed into my life...

Looking across the room the first thing that I noticed about him was his stance; strong, determined.

Lance to my Guinevere, his gaze finally meeting mine in an appreciative manner.

We meandered around one another for quite sometime, although in retrospect I've no idea why, he certainly wasn't timid in the least.

Eyes of the deepest sea took me by surprise, the fact that he never wavered didn't serve to intimidate me;

merely seduced

as it was intended...

From the first, we fit together like an old pair of favorite jeans.

Those initial weeks that brought us together were so wonderful; loves first strike ever so powerful.

I suppose that I should have revealed the broken promises that bore upon my shoulders,

I chose not to

feeling that loves tenderness would somehow heal me

A traveling man

he'd not be mine on the daily

the distance brought me disdain, this I kept vested

Didn't desire to stir things up

Until I could bear it no more...

I missed him...

I longed for his touch

so much so that imaginary scenarios began playing; weaving its resounding insecurities over, over again

until I was convinced

that he was not true in heart...

I met his family

lovely

they embraced me

mine

when I should have been reassured

I only heard treason

Not what I had wanted

planned

but I threw punches into the air

Punches he felt

in the gut

the gut that was telling him to back up

leave the words in the air to kindly dissipate

He wasn't a boxer

didn't want to be in the ring

not with a woman who'd profess to be his souls best friend

confidant

I'd cry

a million tears

that drown him into guilt

to stay

if not for just a tad bit longer...

I had a lost and found box

hidden under my bed

believed that he'd find it

know what to do with it

unfold the papers that held my inner most thoughts

collect them

read

and edit

for the purpose of alleviating the pain

Should've recognize that he didn't find roller coasters chalk full of excitement;

they were for children

and childhood he had left far behind him

it was time that he planted seeds of his own

procuring a future

I'd catch his dismay as I looked into his saddened eyes over the rim of the self medicating beverage kept neatly in my glass

messy really, in truth-

after 2 or 3...

self deception crept in a few hours past

when he'd simply have laughter flowing, carefree, secure in who he was

I felt myself slipping

away

I wanted to scream "why are you doing this to me?"

"I need you to make me feel your love"

It would be a time

before I understood that it was merely because I could not hear

see

what was right in front of me

communistic destiny

he tried to map out

for he and I

I refused to leave;

yet required his stay

no compromise in sight

my heels dug into the sand

funny thing about sand... constantly moving along with the wind...

destabilizing all that is built upon it

I wanted a home

while denying him the security of friendship

the lasting emotion needed to create, solidify

I remember seeing his face light up

as a boy would

hearing others voices on the phone

calling to remark

this, that, the other

I couldn't understand

comprehend

that his life was, in actuality complete

before I

that he had in fact

saved room

just

for me

I raised the stakes

arguing in the middle of our time

I saw it slipping away

couldn't reach out to hold him inside...

I wanted the bellow to cause the rush back

instead I felt wrath

childish, impishness attractive at first

came as straws on the back of a camel...

His back was breaking

because

I

wanted

to

be

right

love remains the same

I'd rephrase

a million times to the once

that I meant it whole heartily

what I said with my actions,

well,

was leave me to be

who I had become

porcelain

beautiful in so many ways,

delicate

easily broken

yet durable

if you followed instruction

Not so for a man

blazing his own trails

rambling

because he is a masterful pirate

with a heart of gold...

I loved him you know?

I struggled

until doubt darkened my senses

lashing out

turning dreams into mere memories

beneath my feet

He wanted to marry me...

I never understood what that meant to a man like him...

He had his ship sailing

knew what ports where compatibility embraced

he didn't bleed

wounds hadn't scarred

a joy to know

befriend

I crushed

seeing the worst

when the curtain didn't reveal; when I couldn't see across the miles

I needed to know

grasp

lies

when the truth didn't provide the race of proof

that no one could fulfill

the void

that I had dug

left wide open

to bear

as the burden

to attract the knight to spare me self examination...

His love fell through my hands

I spread my fingers

while professing that I'd never let go

of the strong hands

that wanted to place his life in

I conjured hurricanes

shattered mirrors

blinding my eyes

to his tears

shed in disbelief

I rewrote history

his

story

to make a villain

out of the hero

who loved me so mightily

accusations of infidelity

rushed judgements to my closest friends

to validate

when I should've simply asked

I slandered

I wanted one more time

one more

first

He left

knowing that I'd never change

I'd find another cause

another row

to do battle

to win

suicide blond tendencies

he'd remark

hated when he was right...

On the inside I'm torn between

knowing that I've lost the one truth in my life

by admitting

or

running along the sand

believing that he lied

broke his word...

Pictures deleted

memories washed away for another time

another man

who would believe in me

when I'm not certain that I can believe in myself

again

I wish that I could tell him that I'm sorry

sorry that I ran away

left

what could've been

so perfect

so beautiful

I'm not your love

yours any longer

I shoved you away

fought when I had nothing but burden weighing

couldn't admit that this isn't a fairytale

and he and I

aren't a story

to read

smile

at the end

close the book

sleep comfortably

I buried my king

loved

lied to

betrayed

no, this was a tale...

better to be told in the rain

less you see the tears streaming down my face....

I lost who I was

bearings tangled

Providence

is not mine

to hold...

I hurt him, holding on to what I thought he should be

not who he really is

and who he really is

is a man

who loved me with abandon

Until

I

abandoned

him...

As he walked away

for the last time

he exhaled

the breath that we once shared

disappearing into his tomorrows...

Perhaps

perhaps he was right all along...

what good did it do me to cross over the line and paint a picture of negativity

when it cost me

Everything...

Lance to my Guinevere, doomed from the beginning of the tale

because in my kingdom

the King will never be enough...

the battle will never be won

the walls

too high

the ransom

a far too large price to be paid...

........................................................*......................................................

Heartbreak is the worst feeling. Here's hoping that your days are filled with joy and kindness.

We all make mistakes, as long as we learn from them- well, as hard it can be, we do get better, succeed where we never believed possible.

Nothing is unattainable

as long as belief doesn't waver...

For the record, because I become swamped with e mails/responses believing that everything I write is a personal record to my daily- know that as people share their stories, in finding some compelling I tell their story.

I believe firmly that we share the ability to learn a great deal from one another, and hopefully we recognize the frailty in human nature, forgive, cherish the people that we've known in our lives.

Even the bad provides us with a unique window in our responsiveness to their actions or lack there of...

Enjoy the week,

look forward to seeing Dallas again (shortly)

From my hand to yours,

Sawyer

Saint Andrews